


Life's Dream

by Aelia1980



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Jared, Bottom Jensen, Character Death, Hurt Jared, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non AU, Permanent Injury, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 52,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29824524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelia1980/pseuds/Aelia1980
Summary: A car accident changes Jared's and Jensen's lives forever. In the aftermath, Jared has to learn that dreams are reality and reality are dreams while Jensen has to make heartbreaking decisions to make his own dreams come true.
Relationships: Genevieve Cortese/Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles/Danneel Harris, Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	1. Jared’s POV

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t know Jared, Jensen or anyone else mentioned in this story. This is a work of fiction, written for “entertainment” and certainly not to hurt mentioned characters. I just borrowed their names, jobs, a bit of their background and invented so much more. Nothing mentioned in this fiction ever happened.
> 
> A/N: Another of my old fics, originally posted on my LJ probably about a decade ago. I've always really liked this fic, because I've this liking for slightly supernatural stuff and a healthy dose of angst and hurt/comfort. Enjoy! Chapter Two will be posted asap.

#  **JARED**

##  **December 2009**

"Merry Christmas, Jen.“

"Merry Christmas, Jay.”

We hug tightly and hold each other close as we say goodbye. I don’t know why, but this hug feels different than all the other countless times that we’ve held each other in the past five years. Having Jensen so close to me, arms wrapped around each other, his familiar, pleasant smell in my nose and his steady heartbeat against my chest, gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in my belly. It’s intense, feels like much more than friendship and reminds me of when I kissed Sandy or Genevieve for the first time. Looking at Jensen like I’ve never seen him before, I deliberately admire his beautiful long eyelashes, each and every one of his freckles, the crow’s feet framing his eyes. Glancing into Jensen’s eyes suddenly seems like glancing into the ocean, into a wondrous depth. Like looking into a mirror, I see my own emotions reflected there: realization, panic, doubt, venture but most of all, love.

Smiling at my best friend, I wonder when friendship turned into love but just can´t tell; maybe this was already foretold when chance brought us together so many years ago. Before I can even think about the consequences, what it would mean for me, for Jensen, for us, our families and our fiancees, my lips touch his. First carefully, then, once I can’t feel resistance, brisk, my lips play with Jensen’s, my tongue gently forcing its way into the warm hole of my friend’s mouth, meeting Jensen’s tongue at last, feeling it curiously, performing a sensual dance.

Sighs and whimpers escape both our throats, fortifying the impression of sharing the most erotic kiss ever and once I feel Jensen’s fingers greedily running down my spine, coming to rest on my ass, my cock twitches happily in my pants. It feels as though the kiss takes a lifetime but our lips part too soon.

With a look that says more than a thousand words, that speaks volumes about love and desire, about things we have probably known for much longer but never wanted to admit, I leave Jensen’s place with a little wave and a sad smile, getting into the cab that waits outside to take me to the airport.

Still lost in thought and overwhelmed by my feelings, I don't notice that the driver runs a red light, speeding across the intersection. Neither do I notice the massive truck, whose driver obviously doesn't bother to hit the breaks, crashing into the driver's side of the cab. It feels as if the cab is being grabbed by a giant and tossed around in the air. It comes crashing down onto the road, sliding over the asphalt before it eventually comes to a halt, crashing into a lamppost. From then on everything goes blank.

##  **December 2009**

**Four days later**

The first thing I can feel as I regain consciousness is a throbbing, continuous headache that nearly takes my breath away. Lids feeling unbelievably heavy, opening my eyes is more difficult than I ever believed possible and they merely flutter weakly before they close again.

Instead, my other senses try to seize my surroundings. I hear a steady, fair beep, smell a light scent of disinfectant, feel a cool cloth under my left arm and a warm hand holding mine, gentle fingertips stroking over my fingers and the back of my hand. It feels good and I hope this touch will never end. The other arm is nothing but stabbing pain, making me take in a sharp, hurting breath. I concentrate deeply on myself and realize that my whole body is stiff and sore, more or less every inch of it in pain.

I try to swallow but can’t as a tube is running down my throat, helping me breathe. It’s a scary thought but before I can panic I’m overpowered by exhaustion and fall asleep again.

**

Eventually I wake up. I can’t tell if it’s been a few minutes, hours or days, but I feel better. The pain in my head has faded slightly and my limbs don’t feel that heavy and sore anymore. I carefully try to open my eyes and this time, I succeed. The first thing I see is the white painted ceiling, a brightly shining neon lamp fastened on it. My eyes, the only parts of my body I can easily move, first look right, then left, falling upon a very exhausted but oh so familiar face. My best friend’s face. Eyes fixed at a spot on the opposite wall he seems very thoughtful but as soon as I move my hand a tiny bit, Jensen reacts. He turns his head and as his green eyes come to rest on my face, his tired features are illuminated with his most beautiful smile.

“Hey Jared," he says, squeezing my hand gently, "welcome back.”

I want to answer but suddenly notice the uncomfortably scratching tube in my throat. It’s no good to fight against it and there’s no reason to panic, deep down I know that it just helps me to stay alive, but I can’t help it, slowly feeling like I’m suffocating. Gasping, fighting against the foreign object in my throat, the monitors start beeping faster, turning Jensen’s relieved face into a mask of sheer terror.

Hospital staff comes rushing into the room, shouting excitedly and checking vitals hurriedly. A young blonde woman introduces herself as Dr. Stevens and tells me to calm down, to take a deep breath and cough. Then thankfully the tube is gone and even though I cough and my throat feels dry like the Sahara desert, it is pure bliss to be able to breathe on my own again. Gently, the nurse holds an ice-cube against my dry lips, moistening the chapped flesh before she carefully pushes it into my mouth. The slowly melting, cool liquid feels wonderfully refreshing in my dried throat and I swallow greedily, hoping for more. She gives Jensen some instructions as she hands him the bowl with the cubes before she follows the doctor and leaves Jensen and me alone again. “What happened?” I croak. My voice sounds so harsh and broken that I hardly recognize it myself.

“There was a terrible car accident, Jay," Jensen explains, his face a mask of pain and grief. "You were in a cab on your way to the airport, don’t you remember? A truck hit you. The driver died instantly..." Jensen exhales loudly. "It’s a miracle you survived with barely any injuries. You must have had some guardian angels," Jensen sniffs.

I feel anything but lucky once I listen to my hurting body and repress a bitchy comment as Jensen’s words slowly sink in... The cab driver died instantly... I can’t remember the man’s face nor the ride but suddenly, I feel nauseous.... God, I could have died... Too overwhelmed with the news, I struggle to express my feelings and try to distract myself by getting more information. “When?” I ask weakly.

“Four days ago, Jay. You have a heavy concussion, that’s why you were unconscious for so long. The most serious injury was your ruptured spleen that had to be removed. Apart from that, a broken arm and bruises."

“Wow… so I suppose I was really lucky.” It slowly sinks in and suddenly I feel bad whining about my pain when the poor cab driver who died, certainly would have loved to have the pain in exchange for his life. Looking at Jensen, I notice that it’s not only me who is shocked by the events. He looks horrible and I wonder if he slept at all during the last couple of days. His cheeks and jaw are covered with a scrubby beard and his whole posture speaks of strain and worry. I wonder how long he’s already been sitting at my bed, holding my hand so gently and patiently, and a wave of gratitude spills over me. What a great best friend I have! “Jen? When was the last time you slept? You look like… shit.”

“Thanks for nothing,” he bitches though he smiles weakly. “Can’t tell." He shrugs. "On and off for a couple of hours.”

“Have you been here the whole time?” I ask, looking at my friend intensely.

“Yeah,” Jensen answers, blushing slightly. “Just wanted to be sure you’re going to be alright and well... not alone once you woke up.”

I’m dumbstruck, just can’t believe that Jensen sacrificed so much for me, his precious free time, his beloved sleep. “Wow…Jen. I don’t know what to say," I stammer.

He brushes my attempt to thank him away with a hectic gesture of his hand. “Never mind, it’s okay. You’d have done the same for me.”

Of course I would have. Jensen’s my best buddy, one of the people who is the closest to my heart and I’d never leave him alone in a situation like that. I don’t tell him though, just give him a genuine smile and I’m sure, he knows it anyway, knows that there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

Comfortable silence spreads between us. That’s one great thing about our friendship. We normally don’t have to speak about things, we just know what the other feels or has on his mind.

Suddenly I remember something that gives Jensen’s presence here even more significance. “Jen, if the accident was four days ago… it’s Christmas tomorrow. Shouldn’t you be with your family and Danneel?”

My best friend shakes his head. “No way I’d leave you. Christmas is not that important, just a day like any other day. I called my family and explained. They understand. They know how important you are to me." Again there is a little flush of his lips. "Though Danni was a bit pissed at first.”

“Sorry..." I offer because really, I don’t want Jensen to fight or disagree with his fiancee, least of all because of me. I’m not worth it.

“It’s fine," Jensen interrupts me, shaking his head. "It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. And after I talked to Danni again she understood that I want to be, need to be here. She has good friends herself...” Sighing, Jensen continues, changing the subject. “Is there anything I can do for you, Jay? Anything you need?”

There is indeed. All this talk about Christmas and family makes me wonder where my own family, where my fiancee is. That’s what I ask Jensen.

“Well,” he answers. “Your parents flew out as soon as we informed them about the accident and just left the hospital an hour ago to grab a bite. I’m sure they’ve already been notified that you gained consciousness and will be here soon. Genevieve..." Jensen takes a deep breath, looking pitiful. "She didn’t come. I’m sorry.” Jensen reaches out, placing his hand on my arm, gently rubbing the skin there.

It feels unbelievably good but is still only a small comfort for feeling abandoned and hurt. Shouldn’t Genevieve be with me? We are getting married in about two months time and she didn’t even… I just can’t believe it. “What kept her?” I press out between barely opened teeth.

“I didn’t talk to her, your mom did. She said she is so busy with work and has several appointments she really can’t delay… I’m sorry, Jay.”

I don’t know why, probably my emotions are running wild, with the pain, the wonderful feeling that Jensen is with me and the big disappointment that Genevieve isn’t. Suddenly my eyes burn with tears and I turn my hurting head away from Jensen, not wanting him to see me cry. Knowing me just too well he notices anyway. He grabs my left hand again, holding it tightly, while his other hand rubs once more up and down my uninjured arm

“Hey man… that’s okay." He smiles at me kindly. "Let it out. No need to be ashamed.”

Hard sobs escape my throat and I let the tears run free, each desperate gasp hurting so much in my beaten body. Jensen doesn’t let go, showering me with so much love and affection, with sweet gestures and soothing words. Holding my hand, he gently lets his other hand run through my hair until it finally comes to rest on my wet cheek, brushing the tears away with steady, almost hypnotizing movements. It feels really good and safe, helping me to calm down, and slowly my tears run dry, leaving me breathing heavily and feeling unbelievably tired.

“Better?” Jensen asks, removing his hand from my face, leaving a very warm spot where his hand laid and a strange sad and empty feeling in my heart. He looks at me so intensely, so concerned and this sad and empty feeling is swept away by a really good one, a feeling of being loved.

“Yeah." I try to smile, hoping it looks genuine. "Thanks. Just very tired.”

“Right, then you should sleep. Are you in any pain? Do you need meds?”

“No, I’m good, thanks. But some water would be great.”

Jensen grabs the glass, pouring some fresh water from the bottle into it, offering it to me. I try to raise my head but it still feels so heavy and hurts so much and I just can’t manage it on my own. Then though, before I even have to ask, Jensen’s strong hand slips under my head, gently lifting it up, holding it. Some people might be embarrassed but somehow I’m not, it just feels so good and natural, like every other touch Jensen gave me in the past five years of our friendship. Carefully, Jensen puts the glass to my lips, paying attention that I don’t drink too much too fast, and when I spill a few drops he gently wipes them away from my jaw.

“So now, go to sleep, okay?”

“Yeah," I promise gladly. "But only if you promise to do the same. You also have to think about yourself, Jen. Not just about me.”

Jensen doesn’t look too happy but gives in, seeing my pleading face. “Okay, but I’ll be back later.”

They’re the last words I hear before sleep draws me into the embrace of unconsciousness and oblivion once more.

**

When I’m awake again, I look into the loving and worried faces of my parents, sitting at the side of my bed, my mom holding my hand. It feels good and secure to see their familiar faces but I still feel disappointment washing over me that my fiancee isn’t around. Sure, Genevieve has a job to do but nevertheless, she should be here, making sure I’m okay and giving me comfort or whatever. Lost in thoughts and doubts I watch my parents’ lips move but I can’t really hear what they are saying. My head is still hurting badly and somehow their words don’t seem so important anyway; probably the usual platitudes you tell someone who has just escaped death, something about Christmas and my sister’s name is also mentioned. But nothing about Gen. Then my mom’s lips brush my forehead and they are gone but an instant later Dr. Stevens enters the room, checking my vitals, giving some hard to follow explanations about my injuries and state of health, until she leaves again to take care of another patient. And I am alone. It is quiet in the room but for the steady beep of the machines that are still checking my vitals. I try really hard to remember the accident but I just can’t recall a thing, not even getting into the cab. I remember bringing my dogs to the sitter and driving over to Jensen’s, having lunch with him at our favorite Chinese restaurant which is just around the corner from where he lives. I went home with him for some coffee and a long chat; sitting cuddled into the corner of his sofa, feet meeting in the middle, palm pressed against the mug’s warm ceramic. Some of the Country music Jensen enjoys so much was playing in the background and outside fluffy snowflakes were falling, covering everything with soft caps. We were fooling around, laughing, and just enjoying each other’s company. Thinking about the fact that we wouldn’t see each other for two weeks, made me strangely empty and sad. I remember hugging him goodbye, like we always do, genuine and tight but somehow it felt different, more like... love than friendship. Strange but right. And then... dear Lord... no, that can’t be. We didn’t really.... no, now my mind must be playing tricks to me...But I see it clearly in my inner eye, Jensen looking at me, just love looking at me, his emerald eyes shining and I still feel the taste of his lips, their softness, on mine, our tongues touching, our bodies pressed close together, our hearts beating simultaneously and this warm, wonderful feeling spreading through my veins.

Oh God, Jensen and I, we kissed. The realization strikes me like a bolt of lightning and half a dozen emotions come down on me. Confusion and fear, because I just don’t know what it will mean for us, for me, for Jensen, for our relationship, for our jobs. Shame and remorse, thinking about the woman I’m engaged to and whom I still love, no matter how disappointed I am that she isn’t with me right now. But above all else, happiness and love. Because, and that’s the truth, I’m totally in love with Jensen, with every inch of his body, with every bit of his soul. This realization takes my breath away, turns my world upside down. What now? That’s the big question. Does Jensen feel the same way about me? I’m sure he does, judging by the way he looked at me when we kissed. The way he gently held and stroked my hand while I was sleeping were another proof.

Suddenly everything that happened in our friendship in the past five years makes perfect sense, every step approaching one another, every little touch, every laugh and tear we shared, every affectionate look. We are made for each other and are just meant to be! I’d love to jump out of this fucking bed and shout it from the building’s rooftop. But I know, I just can’t rush it, have to calm down, take it step by step because there’s even more at stake here than our joy and friendship, which means so much to me. I just wouldn’t dare give up what we already have for something that we might be, even if it’s what I wish for more than anything in the world. So, taking a few deep breaths, I close my eyes and try to calm down, hoping that sleep will drag me away.

Sleep does come but I have a weird dream of Jensen’s and my parents’ faces hovering above my lifeless body, crying and pleading with me to come back. Eventually my dad leads my shaking mom out of the room and only Jensen stays, holding my hand once more, rubbing his warm palm over the cool back of mine. I want to let him know that I’m right with him, that I can hear his sobs, his desperate words that I’m not going to leave him. But it feels like I’m frozen and I just can’t move a bone. Panic spreads through me and desperately, I gasp for breath, but not even that is possible anymore and suddenly everything is getting dark and cold... That’s what dying must feel like....

**

Panting and gasping for air, I wake up, eyes opened wide, staring at Jensen’s horrified face. I feel his hand reassuringly on my shoulder and the other one, just like in my dream, rubbing mine, trying to calm me down. Suddenly, the machine that monitors my heart goes nuts and a nurse and the doctor rush in, pushing my panicked best friend away. Talking excitedly, they inject me with some kind of drug. Whatever it is helps at once, making me a little dizzy but calmer, slowing down my heavily beating heart. Almost as suddenly as it started, everything is back to normal and Jensen is back by my side.

“Jay?” he asks concernedly, his face still a horror-stricken mask.

“I’m...okay." I breathe hard. "What happened?”

“I arrived about twenty minutes ago, you were sleeping and, well, I watched you for a while,” he admits, his pale cheeks blushing a little. “Suddenly you started tossing and turning, moaning something about “not going to leave you”. I tried to wake you up but I just couldn’t and then the monitor freaked out, and to tell you the truth, I freaked out as well because I thought I’d lose you and then you finally woke up, gasping for air. You know the rest.” Massaging his forehead with his fingers, Jensen looks very upset, the worry visible in the lines of his face.

“My dream... I had a strange dream, Jen, it seemed to be so real." A shiver runs down my hurting body and I swallow hard as I try to arrange my thoughts. "I dreamed about still being unconscious and you and my parents were with me. I think it looked pretty bad for me because um, you were all crying and then I... well, I think I..." I exhale deeply. "I died because everything got cold and dark and it was so scary, Jen. I think I panicked because I thought I’d die.” Reality hits me and tears sting in my eyes, blurring my vision so badly that I can’t really see Jensen’s face anymore. His hand grabs mine, holding it, reassuring me that I’m not gone, that I’m still here in this world, here with him, the best friend I’ve ever had.

“Jay...everything’s alright, okay? You’re not going to die, not now, anyway. You’ll be living a very long and happy life and will die in your sleep at old age but certainly not today, I promise.” His voice is deep, kind and emotional and he is swallowing hard, struggling to keep himself calm, though from his expression I can read how scared and worried he is. He tries to be strong though, suppressing his own feelings to be here for me.

Not sure what to say I keep my mouth shut, but I hold onto Jensen’s hand like a drowning man holds onto a lifeline and our fingers intertwine, giving me strength and solace.

**

Christmas Day at the hospital is better than expected. I’m still in pain but I’m allowed to leave my bed for a bit of celebration. My parents are there, even my sister finally came up from Texas and of course, there’s Jensen, entering the room with a tiny Christmas tree in his hand. It’s already decorated, with red and golden bows, the smallest baubles I’ve ever seen and little red candles we unfortunately are not allowed to light, but it still brings at least a bit of a festive atmosphere to the room. My sister has even brought mistletoe she is carrying around and suddenly she is holding it above mine and Jensen’s head, as we are sitting close on the little comfortable sofa in the private sick room I moved to last evening.

“Mistletoe,” she says cheekily.

I really would love to kiss Jensen like we did the day of the accident, but that’s just not possible in front of my family’s eyes and I’m unsure what to do but Jensen is faster, giving me a sincere, long hug which I happily return, brushing his lips over my cheek once he lets go, which is an okay gesture to give your best friend on Christmas, under the mistletoe, in front of his parents.

Megan grins, mumbling, “You two are so sweet” and I’m glad that my mom’s cell is ringing at that very moment so she can’t hear it. I’m not sure she’d agree.

As we exchange presents - Jensen having kindly bought some on my behalf to give to my family, because everything I had originally bought was destroyed in the horrible car crash - I am immensely grateful that I survived and that I’m lucky enough to spend this Christmas day not only with my folks but also with my best friends, simply with all the people I love.

Two hours later my parents and sister leave. They don’t want to but I invited them to have dinner at the Chinese restaurant, almost begging them to accept it. It’s bad enough that I spoiled their family Christmas in Texas, that they can’t be with Jeff and his kids and I just don’t want them to spend the whole day in this fucking hospital. Jensen though intends to stay; I just can’t make him to join my folks. He says he doesn’t want to intrude but doesn’t want to be alone on Christmas Day either. It makes sense and I’m actually glad he stays with me, the thought of spending the whole Christmas evening alone making me a little sad. Gently, Jensen helps me back to bed, tucking me in. It’s really sweet how well and lovingly he takes care of me, and how much it helps just being with Jensen, having him around. I’d like Jensen to know how grateful I am but these past two days were filled with enough chick-flick moments to last a lifetime and so I don’t say it directly. Instead I think of another way. “She hasn’t called yet. Not once, even after my sister told her I’m better. No text. Just nothing.” I sound like I feel, bitter, hurting disappointed. I still can’t believe that Genevieve, who cried when I proposed, is doing this to me.

Jensen doesn’t look surprised, knows who I’m talking about, knows that Genevieve not appearing in the hospital does really bother me. I can see him thinking, looking for something to say that doesn’t demean Genevieve, that isn’t a silly platitude and comforts me enough.

Making it easier for Jensen, I continue sharing my thoughts with him. “I’m going to call off the engagement, Jen. I really loved her but that’s something I just can’t forgive. She should have been here … even if she was busy in the past few days, she isn’t anymore because it’s Christmas. If this accident hadn’t happened we’d have met up in San Antonio, celebrating the holidays together. But now I’m here, sick and she didn’t come. She didn’t call. She doesn’t care.” I take a deep breath, ready to say thank you in my way. “Not like you do, Jen.”

He smiles, he understands. He knows it’s a thank you. But also so much more and I feel and see that he’s nervous once he starts to speak. “Jay…you said you can’t remember anything about the accident. But I wonder… I wonder what you can remember of the hours before. Back at my place. Do you remember?” His voice is soft, a bit pleading. I can understand why. It has taken us such a long time to finally cross the line, to kiss. If I couldn’t remember… it wouldn’t be bad for me, because I’d never know it happened, but it would be horrible for Jensen because whenever he’d look at me he’d know what he almost had but lost under such dramatic circumstance.

“Yeah Jen." I smile. "How could I ever forget?”

Returning my smile, he holds the mistletoe my sister left over my head. “I still owe you a real kiss,” he whispers, leaning over to me.

And finally we kiss, slow and tender. It’s good, it’s real, it’s honest. It’s friendship and love. It’s Jensen and I, simply us. Eventually the kiss ends and Jensen rests his forehead against mine. I’m afraid to talk about it, but in this moment, I wonder how the story will go on. Jensen is engaged as well…I’m not sure if he will call his off engagement to be with me and I’d never demand it. But if so, what explanation can he give Danneel? And his parents? And if we get together, how could we possibly explain it to our respective parents who’ve always believed us to be straight? Well, to be honest, the thought of being gay never occurred to me before. And what about work, the fans, the media? There are so many things to think about and it makes my headache worse. I close my eyes, shutting all these worries out of my troubled mind, just enjoying the feeling of Jensen’s forehead against mine, and his warm breath tickling my nose.

“Jay?” Jensen regretfully moves away but is still close enough for me to see all of his gorgeous freckles. “I think I should go see Danni tomorrow. You know, talk to her, explain… Break up. Whatever you call it. Well, at least… if you want me to. If you want us to be…. Do you want this, Jay?” Big green eyes are staring at me hopefully, almost pleadingly, and maybe also a little scared.

I’m surprised. I’ve never believed Jensen to put his money where his mouth is. And that’s what I tell him. “Wow… Jen. Are you sure? About this? About us? It all happened so quickly. I don’t want you to give up your normal life. For me.” I’m touched that he wants to act so soon but I’m also afraid that we’re rushing into something we haven’t completely thought through.

“Yeah, I’m sure. One hundred and ten percent," Jensen nods, smiling broadly, not a hint of doubt in his expression. "And I’m not giving up a normal life for you. I’m giving it up for us. And,” he says, taking a deep breath “what is normal, anyway?” Chuckling, Jensen continues. “Move over a bit, will you? You know how cool it gets in the rooms during cold Vancouver midwinter nights.” He grins broadly.

Of course I move away, the prospect of a bit of snuggling not one I can deny. The hospital bed is too narrow for two big guys like us and we end up spooning. I’d love to wrap my arms around Jensen but the cast on my broken arm prevents me from doing it, so it’s my friend who holds me real close, pressing his chest against my back and tenderly looping his arm around me. He’s very careful, avoids touching my lower belly where the scar from my spleen surgery has just started healing and is still securely dressed under a layer of bandages, but he still gives me a wonderful safe and secure feeling.

Giving each other so much more than warmth and comfort, we talk about everything and anything or nothing at all, share our thoughts or just listen to each other’s breath and steady heartbeat, to the soft rustle of the wind outside and the staff’s or visitor’s steps in the corridor. I don’t have a clue how much time passes by but eventually, I doze off until Jensen stirs, announcing regretfully that he has to leave. I look at the industrial clock above the door and see that it’s past 10 pm. It means that the night nurse is on her round, coming within the next few minutes and honestly, I don’t want her to catch us snuggling.

Sighing sadly, Jensen gets up and with his warm body gone I feel lonelier and emptier at once. “We’ll see each other soon, Jay," he promises. "Meanwhile, get better, will you?” Pecking me on the cheek, mumbling a sweet, hardly audible “love you” into my ear he is gone, leaving me an emotional mess, happy and sad at the same time.

**

I stand in front of my hospital room’s small window, staring outside into the gray and dull winter afternoon. It has been snowing again the past few hours and the small hospital park with its bushes and trees are thickly covered in snow. It’s untouched except for some traces of birds and it looks peaceful. Looking down there, feeling the chilly air that whistles in through the opened window, helps me to calm down. I just split up with Gen. I waited for the Christmas holidays to be over because I didn’t want to have such an unpleasant conversation -for both of our sake - during a time that is supposed to be about love and peace. Then I put it off one more day. We haven’t been together that long but still, I proposed to her, was ready to marry her in two months time and even though I was absolutely sure ending it is the right thing to do, not just because of Jensen, but also because of her behavior - or non existent behavior, because she still hadn’t called - I was upset and unsure. But today around noon I got a text from Jensen, telling me that he talked to Danneel and that he’s on his way back, so there was really no reason to delay it any further.

I grabbed my cell, took a deep breath and speed dialed Genevieve’s number. It was a strange conversation. Even though she hadn’t called I somehow still expected her to be happy about me calling, but her voice sounded distracted and even a bit pissed. Hey, why should she be pissed? Sure, I could have called her too, but I am the one lying in hospital, I was the one who escaped death, so it should have been up to her, not me. Quickly, I got it over with, breaking up with her, using gentle words, explaining it’s the best thing to do, that our marriage wouldn’t stand a chance if she couldn’t stick with me through the bad times. It got ugly though, with her calling me a handful of not so nice names and I’m still surprised that such abusive terms are in her vocabulary at all. Without saying a word of goodbye she hung up, leaving me shocked as well as relieved.

Afterwards, I called my parents who left Vancouver yesterday. Not that they wanted to, but I reassured them I was absolutely fine and once I told Mom what had happened she admitted that she wasn’t too surprised. She said she saw it coming, that it was the right decision. I still wonder if she’d still think like that if she knew about the other reason, the one with green eyes, freckles and beautiful long lashes, the reason called Jensen.

I startle when I feel warm arms embracing me from behind. So lost in thought I didn’t hear the soft knock on my door, didn’t hear the door being opened and heavy winter boots scratching over the floor. But here he is, the other reason I split up with my fiancee, holding me tight, mumbling soft words into my ear. It feels good, secure, to be held like this, to feel Jensen’s face pressed against my back, his arms curling around my waist. The sensitive scar on my abdomen hurts a bit but this touch, this feeling, being close to Jensen, is worth all the pain in the world. Eventually I turn around, looking into those beautiful eyes, kissing his lips and holding him.

After a while I gently pull back, realizing that it’s freezing cold in the room after I left the window open for such a long time. Goose bumps creep up my arm and Jensen, who’s wearing a thick, soft sweater, notices, closing the window at once. He pulls me to the little sofa where he gently but determined pushes me into the soft cushions. Then he fetches a blanket from the closet, covering my body with it to only leave my face and legs, which are just too long for a normal blanket, to be seen. Only once I’m warmly tucked in does Jensen lie down next to me, wrapping his whole body around me for additional warmth. Chatting, we share the past two days and the experience of splitting up with our fiancees.

“You know,” Jensen says “I told Danni. I mean, we’ve always been close buddies and I wanted her to know the real reason, wanted to be honest with her. She wasn’t even surprised. She said that she actually always thought that this would happen sooner or later. Danni laughed, even said it was good that it happened now, before she started with all the wedding preparations." It lures a chuckle out of Jensen, too. "She admitted that you and I are just made for each other and are supposed to be together." Now Jensen blushes a bit and it makes my heart beat pleasantly faster. "She was really great, no hard feelings, gave me a hug, wishing us all the luck in the world. I hope... I hope you’re not angry that I outed us to her?” Jensen asks, looking concerned and a little sorry.

I shake my head, don’t really care because I’m sure, in the long run, this thing with Jensen can’t stay a secret anyways. “No, I’m not Jen. She’s a good girl, she won’t gossip around.”

Comfortable silence grows between us. I wonder how our relationship will develop from now on. Will we tell our families? And what about work? Or living together? We’ve lived together before, but then we were just best buddies and roomies. Now though... I don’t want to rush it, don’t want to push Jensen. Breaking up with our girlfriends was just the first step on the road that is laid in front of us, an unknown road for the both of us, beautiful, joyful but also a little scary. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to walking down that road, to this challenge, this quest that is called us.

***

I’m discharged on New Year’s Eve. Picking me up, Jensen offers to stay and help me and because I can’t do much on my own with my broken arm, I gratefully accept. It’s a good feeling to know he’s with me, that I can rely on him, that I’m looked after. He cooks dinner, a recipe from his mother, makes sure I take my medicine, makes sure that I don’t overexert myself. Then we spend the evening curled up together on the couch, watching movies. Ever since my teenage years I haven’t spent New Year’s Eve in such a cozy, domestic way, always having been at parties with friends and girlfriends in the past years, getting wasted. It’s a nice, even welcomed change and I don’t really miss it, having everything I need with Jensen by my side.

Once the clock strikes midnight and the new year is born we share a gentle, lazy kiss, holding each other close before we leave the house, watching the beautiful fireworks in the dark, starlit night above the city. While I wonder what the next 365 days will hold for me, I feel Jensen’s warm hand slipping into mine, his thumb gently stroking over my skin. It’s not a big gesture but a lovely one and it warms me from the inside, assures me again that, no matter what obstacles we might have to overcome on the road to our future, we are on the right path.

##  **2010**

Being with Jensen is just perfect. Back in the hospital I worried too much because everything works out on its own. During the Christmas hiatus he spends all his time with me, not only because of my handicap but also because he wants to. The next logical step - moving in with me again - isn’t as big of a deal as I feared.

One day in mid-January he makes a funny comment that he hasn’t been at home for days and can’t remember what his apartment looks like. Without really thinking about it, I just say, “Well, then move in again and forget it for good” and that’s exactly what he does the following weekend. Both our families are really surprised once we tell them about living together again; hence coming out to our folks is next. We invite them to visit us in Vancouver over the weekend and spill the beans after dinner, while we’re secretly holding hands under the tablecloth for strength. First, there’s a long, awkward silence and I see all kinds of emotions written on their faces. My mom thankfully takes the first step, hurrying over to hug Jensen tightly, welcoming him warmly to our family. I’ve really never loved her more in my life than in that moment. Jensen’s parents actually both surprise us. Them being good Christians, Jensen was worried about telling them but after the news sank in, a weak smile shows up on Donna’s face and she admits that she suspected something after Jensen broke up with Danneel. Alan and her are giving us their blessing, so everything is okay and we luckily worried too much about our parents’ reaction.

With work it’s different, more difficult. We trust the crew, they are sort of our second family, but still, being gay in this business, having a relationship with your co-star who plays your brother... that’s something precarious. Luckily we have always been affectionate with each other so a hug, a hand on each other’s shoulder or even an arm wrapped around the other’s waist isn’t too suspicious if it doesn’t happen all the time. The only one who knows is Clif, our driver and bodyguard, because we couldn’t have kept it secret from him for too long anyways. We tell him after the weekend with our parents and he laughs, clapping his thigh in amusement. Once he sees our confused faces he apologizes - not that it would have been necessary - and thanks us for our trust, grinning broadly. It gives us hope that, whenever we are ready, the crew will react the same way.

Because of my broken arm, shooting starts a week later and the schedule is tight as we are closing down again over the Winter Olympics. Even though I had one week longer to recover, working is like hell and I start getting headaches again. It’s okay during work because I’m too stressed to notice much but the nights are awful. I’m so unbelievably tired that I don’t fall asleep for hours and when I do, the accident I still don’t clearly remember is haunting me. The nightmares are always quite similar, like the one I had back in the hospital: me lying lifeless in bed, my family and Jensen crying, talking to me, touching my hand or cheek until eventually, everything vanishes into darkness, leaving me alone and cold. Sensitive as Jensen is, he notices at once that something is wrong. Once I tell him, while Clif drives us to work, he does just what I would do in his stead. He hugs me, rubs his palm soothingly over my back, giving me an unspoken promise that he’s with me, looking after me and that everything will be all right.

**

Eventually the day I was supposed to marry Genevieve dawns, leaving me in an emotional uproar. I don’t regret my choice but it’s still weird, leaving me wondering if I really would have married her if the accident hadn’t happened, or if I would have chosen Jensen anyways. I try to imagine her and I in front of the altar, reciting our vows, kissing and dancing. After I proposed, I could imagine it well but now I can’t: splitting up was the right decision.

Sensing what’s going on in my mind, Jensen does a good job of distracting me. We spend the glorious day outdoors, driving north to the nearby mountains, enjoy the winter sun shining on us, walking over snow-covered paths and holding hands. There’s hardly anyone around so we aren’t afraid of being seen, aren’t afraid of showing our affection. Once we return back to Vancouver in the late afternoon we’re both tired but happy, and the dinner Jensen invites me to at one of the city’s top restaurants is just wonderful and delicious. The icing on the cake, however, is the night. Lying cuddled together in our bed, I hear Jensen calling my name so softly that a shiver runs down my spine. “Jay?” It’s just a sigh, a mere whisper, but full of love and want.

“Mmm Jen?” I ask, holding him even tighter, quite aware of Jensen’s crotch pressing against my own and the things he could do to me.

“Since you’re robbed of your wedding night because of me…I well thought… maybe… umm, if you’re ready…” Taking a deep breath, Jensen blushes though I can barely see in the dim light in our bedroom. “Want to sleep with me, Jay?”

Another, very pleasant shiver runs through my body and the simple thought of what is to happen now makes my heart beat faster and those butterflies in my belly flutter excitedly. “Sleep with you, make love to you, fuck you. Whatever you’ll call it… " I aspirate, "I want to, Jen.”

We haven’t had sex yet. Of course we’ve made out, getting to know each other’s bodies, traded first blow jobs, but we haven’t taken the last step yet, wanting to take it nice and slow. But we’ve been together for two months now and even though we both feel a bit unsure about it, not about the act itself, more about how to do it - because we’ve never been with other guys before - it’s time. Time to take this final step, to become one in the most intimate way, to feel Jensen inside me or vice versa.

Smiling beautifully, Jensen kisses me, first soft, then more demanding. Gently, almost reverently, but also curiously, my boyfriend’s hands are moving all over my body, his lips all over my face, kissing, licking, sucking and it’s pure bliss. Every touch makes me greedy, luring sensual moans and whimpers out of my throat until I beg for more, for Jensen to release me from that pleasant torture. Laughing, he takes his time though, wants to enjoy it, just doesn’t want to fuck me but wants to make love to me and that’s what he does. His lips and tongue worship me, slowly moving from my burning face over my neck down my chest, resting on my belly in the end. Softly, teasingly, he kisses the scar that will always remind me of the accident and then, finally, gratefully, his hands find my weeping cock, rubbing it deftly, squeezing my balls gently and rolling them into his warm palms. He takes his time and I think I’m going to explode, never having felt such overwhelming passion and desire in my life. Being with Jensen like this is intense and breathtaking, feeling his finger softly circling around that tight ring of muscle, finally entering, rubbing the warm flesh in that tight, dark channel. Muscles trembling, I really wonder how Jensen’s impressive, beautiful dick will ever fit but then he massages a certain spot inside me and all worries are blown away like dust in the wind, the touch shooting me away, somehow making me feel like I could fly. Moaning, sighing, whimpering and screaming I beg for more and then finally, Jensen is inside me, becomes a part of me, whispering a mixture of romantic and unbelievable vulgar things in between his own moans, and I’ve never felt closer to anyone in my life before.

Later, after we’ve had a hot shower together where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, we just lay snuggled close again. Our bodies so closely entwined that I can’t tell where I begin and Jensen ends, we gently stroke each other’s skin, kissing random spots, taking in the other’s scent.

Just before sleep is dragging me away, Jensen mumbles those three little words that make this day, which should have been my wedding day, the most perfect day of my life so far.

**

Hiatus starts at the end of March. We spend the Easter weekend at a convention in Rome and then we travel around Europe, from Italy via Germany to France. We get to see many beautiful places, historical towns as well as stunning landscapes, and just enjoy ourselves. We’re only recognized every now and then and it’s just good to be me and Jensen, to be us; a young happy couple in love on a trip through Europe. The only thing that clouds my high spirits is that I’m still haunted by those eerie dreams occasionally. It doesn’t happen often but whenever I dream about me lying unconscious in the hospital, my boyfriend’s and parents’ teary faces hovering over my lifeless body, me getting colder, dying, I startle, sometimes with a choked scream. Jensen is always there, pulling me tight, holding me and it gives me comfort, but it doesn’t take away the steadily growing fear.

**

The day Jensen was supposed to marry Danneel is the day we arrive back in LA. I talked to Jensen about it, pondering if he would feel the same as I had back in February, but he promised me he would be fine. He asked for a little favor though – to finally tell our close friends. So we invite them to come over to Jensen’s apartment and even though we’re a bit tired after the flight back from Texas, where we spent a few days with our respective families, it’s a great night. We have a barbecue, get a bit tipsy and finally we tell them. Their reaction is like we hoped it would be. Actually most of them already suspected something – the broken engagements, us living together again, us traveling together through Europe – but still, it’s great to have such open-minded friends, to feel their encouragement and support and to see that they share our happiness. Afterwards, Jason grabs Jensen’s guitar, performing one of his new songs just for us. It’s a bit cheesy but we really appreciate the gesture and it’s good to feel Jensen in my arms.

**

We return to Vancouver in mid June. We haven’t decided on coming out on set yet but on our half-year anniversary the decision is made for us. I’ve been horny ever since I woke up early in the morning, Jensen’s hand on my swollen dick, his lips kissing my abdomen, whispering a gentle “I love you, Jay.” But we were too late to take care of my steadily growing problem, because if we started, we probably couldn’t have finished in time. My right hand and a wave of cold water takes care of my weeping cock instead, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want to do more with Jensen today than just holding and kissing him.

Not able to take my eyes off my boyfriend, I’m more distracted than usual, not delivering my lines as well as I normally would, receiving angry looks and shaking heads from the director and crew. I don’t care though, not when Jensen’s fingertips brush against mine, promising to brush over completely different, more intimate parts of my body, not when he smiles at me seductively, lips eager to do so much more than smile but kiss and suck, wrapping themselves around my cock.

As soon as the director releases us for lunch break, reproving me to get myself together, Jensen and I hurry to my trailer, not looking back, not hearing anything but our harsh breathing.

“Jen,” I moan passionately as we stumble in the safe haven of my trailer. “You make me feel so good. I need you with me, in me, now.”

Grinning broadly, cheeks flushed, Jensen puts one of his hands on my hips, squeezing possessively, the other one at the nape of my neck. "I can do this," he groans as he pulls me close, his voice deeper, more sensual than usual, his eyes a darker shade of green, full of love and lust.

Lips glued together, trembling hungrily, we both tumble onto the sofa, hand on each other’s pants, feeling our pulsating, hard dicks through the fabric. Tugging, ripping and cursing, we struggle to get rid of the unwelcome barrier until we’re both naked, and although I feel like bursting, I take the time to admire my boyfriend’s beautiful, attractive body, hovering over mine. Everything, from the freckles that are scattered over the tanned skin to the flat, muscled belly, the impressive, leaking manhood in its frame of pubic hair to the slightly bowed legs, is worth being worshiped. He is perfect. He is mine. And I’m his.

Busy with touching and kissing each other, ensnared in our own little voluptuous world, we don’t hear the soft knock on the door, not expecting the two visitors in front of my trailer. Outside, the only thing that can be heard is the ecstatic "yes" I press out between my lips once Jensen’s hand wraps around my dick, rubbing and squeezing it softly.

Entering and not expecting anything out of the ordinary, Sera gasps in surprise. Rooted to the spot, she is just goggling, eyes wide opened in a horrific expression, mixed with embarrassment and the slightest touch of humor. Behind her is Phil, staring as well, first giggling, then suddenly laughing out so loud that Jensen and I are finally brought back to reality, back to where we are, in my trailer during lunch time, literally caught in the act.

I’ve never felt so embarrassed in my life and I bet that Jensen feels the same. He buries his head on my shoulder and claws his hands into the sofa, breathing hard. I can hardly hear it though because Phil is still laughing like a lunatic, tears in his eyes. Grinning awkwardly, Sera is the first who regains her composure, mumbling a “Sorry guys” before she turns around, grabbing Phil on his upper arm, pulling him out of the door. Before the door is shut Sera calls again, “Guys, get some clothes on and meet me in my office!” Both their hysterical laughter is echoing through the studio, only dying away once they enter the door to the stage we are shooting on.

“Oh shit…" Jensen exhales and the shock and fear is palpable in his suddenly white face, the horror-stricken look and his trembling hand. "Jay, please tell me that just did so not happen.”

Giving him a weak smile, I wrap my arms around Jensen, all the sexual tension gone now. “Well, it did. But Jen… You heard them. They laughed.... It didn’t sound like they’d mind… So sweetie,” I softly peck him on the cheek, “I think we should get ourselves clean, dressed and go over and see Sera, okay?”

Fifteen minutes later Jensen and I are sitting at the little round table, Phil at my side and Sera at Jensen’s. First, there’s an awkward silence but then I start explaining, making apologies. Not for being with Jensen - that never will be something I feel sorry about -, but for making out in our trailer, which is unprofessional and most of all, for not coming out sooner. Luckily both Phil and Sera are quite cool about it – as long as it won’t influence the show they don’t give a damn who we fuck. We promise not to let our personal relationship affect our performance before we finally talk about what Sera and Phil wanted when they came to my trailer in the first place, and then agree to come out to the crew after the shoot wraps today.

We finish a bit earlier than scheduled. Surrounded by the whole crew - our second family, I throw a short glance and an encouraging smile at my boyfriend, taking Jensen’s hand and letting them know the news. There’s a moment of silence pregnant with expectation and then, suddenly, it is broken with cheers and whistles, yells and hands clapping, with congratulations, supportive words and people hugging us.

**

Celebrating not only our anniversary but the successful coming out, we have dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, just like half a year ago. Once we leave, we stroll down the street to our house, wordlessly deciding to hold hands, not caring if we are seen or not.

As soon as we are home we make up for what we missed during our lunch break. It’s not as wild and carnal but soft and tender, it’s making love not fucking. It’s moans and sighs, grunts and whimpers. It’s many kisses and warm embraces, Jensen’s soft lips all over my body, from head to toe, on my cock, my balls. His fingers are brushing, stroking and teasing. Pulling, rubbing, preparing and suddenly it’s Jensen, inside me, taking me far, far away.

Minutes later our roles are reversed. Now it’s my big hands on his thighs and ass, my teeth gently nibbling his earlobes and his neck, my tongue licking every inch of his body, tasting and teasing and finally, it’s me buried inside Jensen, gently moving back and forth, rhythm like our steady puffs and moans, me being him and him being me. Arms wrapped around each other, chests tightly pressed together, breaths tickling and fingers brushing naked, sweaty skin, I fall asleep, feeling safe and sound… Until I dream again, this eerie nightmare, the same as always, though different in the end this time.

I’m lying in the hospital, unconscious; lids not even quivering, body lifeless. Nevertheless I can see my parents and Jensen, can hear them cry, can feel their hands on my face, buried in my hair, kissing my cool skin. Slowly, it’s getting colder and darker and the last I see, and that’s new, is Jensen, literally letting go, turning away, leaving the room where he is met by Danneel.

Panting, gasping and breathing hard, I wake up, feeling a little dizzy and disoriented. It’s so dark that I can’t even see my own hands and it frightens me even more but then, luckily, Jensen switches on the light. He pulls me into a strong hug, holds me close, is just there, my savior, someone to cling to. Tears blurring in my eyes, I’m still scared that he will let go though, that he will leave me and go back to Danneel or any other beautiful, sexy woman.

Jensen whispers loving, soothing words into my ear, rubbing his hand over my back gently until eventually, my tears die away and calmer breaths replace my heavy gasps. Feeling better, calmer, I notice that I’m back to reality; that Jensen really is here with me and not with some hot chick. He asks me gently if it was that dream again and I nod weakly, telling my boyfriend about it. Once I describe the new ending, him abandoning me and choosing Danneel, I hesitate. I’m afraid that Jensen might think that I doubt him, that I believe that he really would choose his ex-girlfriend over me. Deep down, even though I love Jensen more than anything and I trust him completely, this fear exists. Why should he stay with me if he can have that beautiful girl? These and many other thoughts whirl through my mind and scared as I am, I confide in Jensen. I tell Jensen that we are two parts of the same whole, that I could only exist as a shadow without him. He smiles and understands. He feels the same.

**

The summer of 2010 is a beautiful and warm one.

Shooting is fun, the atmosphere on set is great. Luckily unchanged after we came out. Everyone is supportive and if we receive an eye roll once in a while, it’s teasing, nothing that bothers us. This season is going to be the last and after the demanding storyline with the Apocalypse we’re now back to the roots, the Winchesters riding the Impala cross-country, hunting vengeful spirits, witches or pagan gods, trying to rebuild their relationship.

Meanwhile, we’re out. The fans are very supportive and the network is okay with it too, but probably just because it didn’t cost us any ratings. Our publicists weren’t too happy but we don’t care. We don’t care whether us being together might hinder our future careers as actors, because there’s so much more we could do, other talents we have and us being together is the only thing that really matters.

Of course, it’s not just happy sunshine all the time. One of Jensen’s oldest buddies from school rejected him, calling him a fag after he’d read the news on the internet. A grandaunt of mine badmouthed Jensen and me, often enough for my mom to lose her temper. And from time to time hostile looks are thrown at us when we’re in public together. But it’s okay, nothing we can’t handle. Everything is bearable as long as we are together.

**

And so, my life could be perfect, if it weren’t for those dreams. They’re coming and going and changing. First it was the one where Jensen is leaving me for Danneel. Now it’s only my parents and family sitting at my bedside, Jensen nowhere to be seen or heard. Until this one dream in August where he pops up again, telling me, with a weak, sad smile, that he is getting married. “No,” I yell desperately, “No. No. No! Please don’t leave me, Jen. Please don’t abandon us.”

I wake up, gasping heavily and sweating profusely. I notice that Jensen is there, holding me tight, soothing me with kind and loving words, like he always does. Nevertheless, it takes me a while to calm down, to chase away the nightmare, finally realizing that it was just a dream, that the reality is so much better and brighter, with Jensen by my side.

**

Once I wake up again, it’s morning. The sun shines on my face too bright, the birds chirp a bit too loudly and worst of all, the spot next to me where Jensen should sleep peacefully, is cold and empty. Instead, the wonderful smell of fresh coffee, bacon and eggs wafts to my nose, making my tummy growl in hunger. I feel beaten after the troubled night, don’t really want to leave this safe haven made of pillows, covers and sunshine, smelling of Jensen and I. But the urge to eat something and to be back with my boyfriend is stronger, overpowering the tiredness, drawing me out of bed like a magnet and into the shower.

“Morning, love,” I yawn once I stumble into our kitchen a quarter of an hour later, hair a wild mane, wearing the most comfortable, worn clothes I could find.

“Morning, honey,” Jensen calls back, smiling at me gently.

We started this silly ritual a while ago, just to tease each other but funnily enough, we got too used to saying it and now it’s routine. Jensen is already sitting at the small kitchen table, reading the newspaper, nursing a scalding cup of coffee and after I fetched my own, I lean down and catch my boyfriend’s lips in a quick kiss, tasting coffee, sugar and toothpaste, before I join him at the table. It’s laden with the most delicious breakfast treats, from eggs and bacon over toast, honey and butter to muffins and fruit. I take a bit of everything and start to dig in, the first bite enough to make me even hungrier.

“Jay? Umm… can I say something?” Jensen starts once I finish my meal, biting his lower lip in that almost gorgeous, self-conscious way.

I shrug, washing the last remains of the yogurt and cereal away. “Course. Fire away”

He takes a deep breath and shares his thoughts. “Those dreams you have, they drive you insane. Don’t deny it, I know they do." Even before I can open my mouth to object, my boyfriend brushes it away with a gesture. "I know lately you’ve even been afraid of falling asleep, been tossing and turning around for hours before fatigue finally overcomes you. I know because I’m lying next to you, Jay." Jensen sighs in frustration. "I feel so helpless! I love you more than anything, would love to help you, should be able to help you. But all I can do is hold your hand and hold you close, giving you a bit of comfort, but that doesn’t seem to be enough anymore." The pain and helplessness is visible in Jensen’s expressive eyes, looking at me so genuinely. "So, what I want to suggest; Jay, please talk to someone who’s a professional. Go see a shrink. I’m not sure why, but this accident, it left you in sort of a trauma and if I can’t help you, you need to see someone else who can."

Emerald eyes are staring back at me as I fix my gaze at the dark, smooth surface of my coffee. I don’t know what to say, feeling a bit embarrassed and sad, even a little pissed, that the man I love is suggesting that I see a shrink. But even if I wasn’t ready to accept it until now, of course Jensen is right. Slowly but surely, those dreams affect me, taking away my ability to distinguish between dream and reality. Something has been broken since the accident and it has to be fixed. Looking up, right into my boyfriend’s face, I see tears shining in Jensen’s eyes. It’s obvious that it wasn’t easy for him to make this suggestion and that he made it out of love and concern.

“Are you mad at me, Jay?” Jensen asks worriedly.

“No, sweetie, I’m not.” I normally don’t call him such names – well, except for honey in the morning but somehow, I just feel like calling him sweetie, because that’s what he is. “At first I was, but Jen, you’re right, about everything. I’m afraid to fall asleep and these dreams, they’re driving me crazy. And I can’t afford getting crazy. I need to be fit, for you, for the show, want to be healthy, want to completely enjoy the fantastic life that is laid before us, don’t want to be haunted by some evil nightmare. So, I promise, I’ll go and see a shrink.”

"Thank you," Jensen whispers as he hurries over to my side, pulling me into a tight hug, sprinkling my face with little kisses, breathing out barely audible "I love you’s" and I know, Jensen really does.

**

A couple of days later I have my first appointment with a counselor and surprisingly, talking to her actually helps. I tell her all about the accident and describe each and every dream. At first, it feels strange talking to a complete stranger about such personal feelings and fears, but after a while I open up and I feel better. The sleeping pills she prescribes are helping me to calm down whenever I feel too stirred up or worried to go to sleep, though I don’t take them every night. Jensen is glad I don’t, because although he doesn’t actually mention it, I know he’s afraid that I might get addicted to the stuff and luckily, I don’t need them so badly anyways. Sometimes it just helps having Jensen with me, feeling his warm arms around me, burying my head on his chest and listening to his steady, beloved heartbeat.

##  **2011**

The end of _Supernatural_ is drawing closer, and one weekend in February Jensen and I are flying down to LA to go house hunting. We look at different premises of all kinds, shapes and in all districts until we finally find the perfect place; not too small and not too big, bright and spacious, surrounded by a huge garden and a high hedge that protects us from prying eyes. We can’t wait to move in there once the show is over, but nevertheless we decide to keep the place in Vancouver because of all the happy memories.

**

March brings the last four weeks of work.

I’ve never lived to see so many emotions wash over me: relief and sadness, happiness and fear. Before I was with Jensen, I was dreading the last days, afraid that I might not only lose the best co-star I’ve ever worked with but also the best friend I’ve ever had when we go our separate ways. At least this fear is gone. After six years it will be strange going to work – wherever and whatever project it will be – without Jensen but I know he’ll always be there, in our house or, if he’s somewhere else, at least in my heart. What stayed though is the worry for our future, if we are good enough to find new jobs or if the stigma of being gay will always hinder us from getting good roles, like our agents feared once we came out.

**

Then it’s here, the final day. The atmosphere on set is really weird; everyone seems a bit down, the make up girls cry and seeing their tears makes me so sad that I have to brace myself not to join them. Instead I give them both a big hug, thanking them for their good work, for how comfortable they made the time in make up and for the support they gave me.

The last scene we shoot funnily enough is the last scene of the show, Dean starting his new life with Lisa, Sam hugging him goodbye and riding away alone in the Impala. It’s a very emotional scene – not only for Sam and Dean but for me and Jensen as well because he knows, even though I haven’t had any of those eerie dreams for months, that that’s exactly what I fear: Jensen choosing someone else over me. Luckily we only need three shots and then it’s over. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to process the fact that that was it, the final shot. While the knowledge is sinking in, I hear Jensen hurrying over the road, pulling the Impala’s door open. A sweet loving smile greets me once I open my eyes and a hand, warm and firm, takes mine to pull me out of the car, right into his arms. Jensen’s hug is close and tight, anchoring me before I can break and his lips on my temple are his promise that he isn’t Dean; that he won’t leave me for a chick but stay always true to me. The crew’s sincere cheers only slowly start to penetrate my buzzing ears and suddenly everyone is there, hugging us and each other, showing their appreciation to everyone who was involved in the show.

After a couple of glasses of champagne, Jensen and I leave for our trailers to grab a shower and change for the wrap party. Once I’m done I lounge on the couch, limbs sprawled in all directions, waiting for Jensen to pick me up. The exhaustion of the day and the alcohol in my blood are taking its toll and I doze off only to regain consciousness when I feel Jensen’s familiar hands on mine. I open my eyes lazily, expect Jensen to look down on me but he kneels right before me, smiling at me, brushing his thumbs over my hands.

“Hey. Sorry to wake you," he says quietly, "but we need to be at the party in an hour and before, I umm, want to give you something." Smiling, he points over to a gift-wrapped box I only now notice. "I know you’ll never forget these past six years, but still, I started to make this before we even got together and just finished it the other day. And um," now Jensen even blushes a bit, "I hope you like it."

Curiously, I eye the box, wondering what’s inside. I slide down next to Jensen, the carpet soft and warm and accept the gift. It’s heavy and once I open it under Jensen’s attentive look I find a photo album in it. Swallowing hard, I look at Jensen who faces me self-consciously, obviously unsure what I think about it. I’m dumbstruck though and don’t manage more than stutter, a surprised, “Wow… Jen.” I really don’t know what to say, so I kiss him long, lazy and lovingly and then it’s just me in Jensen’s arms, the photo album and hundreds of memories. Legs opened wide, my boyfriend is leaning against the couch and I’m snuggled against Jensen’s body, his arms wrapped around my waist, his head on my shoulder, his cheek touching mine. Reverently and slowly, I turn the pages; every one filled with photos of me, of him, of us, the crew. Every single one proof of the fun we had, the tears we shed and the friendship and love we shared and will remember forever. And then there is the last page with only a single photo of the two of us, not taken on set but in my parents’ backyard last Thanksgiving, me holding Jensen so close, the both of us looking at each other, so very much in love that it warms my heart and makes the butterflies in my belly dance happily.

Underneath, Jensen wrote something:

_Jared, I love you more than words can say._

_I want to spend the rest of my life with you, want to fill even more photo albums with happy memories of the both of us together, want to live with you until we´re gray and old._

_Jared, wanna marry me?_

With disbelief I stare at these words, a warm, happy feeling in my gut, slowly spreading through my veins, underscoring the joy that fills me up with every breath I take. My heart is beating like a blacksmith’s hammer against my chest and a shiver of pure pleasure runs through my body once I see my boyfriend’s hand, no longer curled around my waist but holding a beautiful white gold ring between his thumb and index finger, softly whispering what he wrote. “Jared? Please marry me.” His breath ghosting over my skin is soft and warm like a summer breeze and Jensen’s proposal doesn’t sound pleading, but sexy and affectionate, like a promise, like love.

I put the album down into my lap and my left hand finds Jensen’s right. Finally, I find my voice again, answering his question with three simple words that change our lives. The most beautiful, happiest smile imaginable on his face, Jensen slips the ring onto my finger. The smooth material is cool against my warm finger, an almost imperceptible but still welcome weight and it fits perfectly. Twining hands, we seal our promise with a kiss, first soft, gentle and teasing, then more and more passionate. It’s so much more than the promise to make our relationship legal; it’s a promise to spend our lives together, a promise to never let go.

So Jensen makes me the happiest I’ve ever been on a day I’ve been dreading for years, ever since fate brought us together and he became my best friend.

**

Jensen and I decide to take a few months off, to spend time with our families and to travel over to Australia and New Zealand. On a random day in September we return to the States and finally move into our new house in LA. Our families took care of everything while we were traveling and the fridge is stocked with groceries, the new furniture is assembled and most of our boxes are unpacked.

And work starts again. Our agents send us some scripts and we succeed in the auditions, getting roles in movie productions, not as leads but still important enough to help us make a breakthrough on the movie screen.

Jensen and I are happy and healthy. I haven’t had any frightening dreams for one year and life is good.

##  **2012**

We are getting married on a bright, hot day in April on an isolated ranch a few hours outside Dallas. Our sisters took care of the preparations and they did a great job, because everything from the flower arrangements to the gigantic wedding cake, to dinner and music is just perfect. There are more than two hundred guests, not only because Jensen and I have big families but also because we invited all of our close friends who supported us, from old high school buddies to work colleagues.

We take our vows in the big garden that surrounds the historical building, our respective brothers our best men. The moment Jensen slips the simple but beautiful golden ring on my finger and looks at me with that little smile and sparkling eyes, is the happiest moment of my life. Finally being declared partners for life we kiss, soft and tender, lips trembling and tongues dancing, holding each other close, hands tightly pressed against the others body. We don’t really hear the guests applauding; it’s just Jensen and I and the promise that we will spend the rest of our lives together, no matter what will happen. The celebration afterwards is wonderful and we enjoy every second of it: Jensen and I cutting the cake, me and him dancing to the craziest songs until our feet are sore, the two of us having to do silly things in the stupid game Chad, Chris and Steve set up for us. Our brothers are giving a wonderful speech and once more we realize how blessed we are for having such supportive families and friends.

Only at the crack of dawn do we finally stumble to the little guesthouse that is reserved for us, cheers and whistles following us, echoing loud through the silent night. We’re both tipsy but not enough to make me forgo tradition and before we enter the cabin I lift my husband up and carry him over the threshold. We both laugh but once I put Jensen down our laughs ebb away, too stunned by the view that is offered. Floor and bed are covered in hundreds of deep red rose petals and countless little candles in glasses are submerging the room in a golden flickering light. It’s a very romantic sight that makes us speechless and goggle in awe. Like under a spell we enter the room further, finding a bottle of chilled champagne on the tiny table, a note sticking to it: “Enjoy your wedding night, love Meg and Mac.”

I’m the first to recover. “Wow Jen," I stammer, pressing my husband close to my chest. "Our sisters... Wow... They’re awesome.”

He doesn’t answer but smiles his wonderful happy smile that makes not only his lips, but his eyes, his whole face, beam. Wordlessly, Jensen presses his lips to my cheeks, hugging me once, short but nonetheless sweet before he lets go, turning towards the table to open the champagne. Once he poured the sparkling liquid into the crystal glasses he hands me mine, looking at me openly, eyes a dark shade of green. “To our love and our future. To us," Jensen toasts.

Emptying the glass in one, deep, thirsty gulp, Jensen grabs my jacket of our matching tuxes, drawing me into his space, smiling mischievously as he takes the empty glass away from me. He catches my lips with his, licking the remaining drops of Champagne away, kissing me, softly at first, than more demanding, his moans and sighs a wonderful, inviting sound in my ears. My blood rushes south and my dick leads a life of its own, twitching greedier and hungrier with every covetous stroke of Jensen’s hands. Not wanting anything else than to feel my beloved Jensen close to me and inside me, my hands grab Jensen’s tux hastily but he laughs, shaking his head, reminding me with the simple gesture that it’s our wedding night, something special, to remember until our dying day. Sighing regretfully, I nevertheless loosen my grip, helping Jensen out of his tux, hands now tender and reverent. In between sweet little kisses on all exposed parts of our bodies, Jensen does the same for me until we finally stand naked in the small room.

My hands are all over Jensen’s beautiful body, roaming over his back, ass and chest until they finally come to arrive at their goal, my husband’s swollen, pulsating dick. Kneeling down to get even closer to Jensen’s member, to catch it between my lips and suck on it gently. I feel Jensen’s hands combing through my hair, massaging my scalp and stroking my neck. Gently kissing my better half’s cock, licking, sucking, nibbling and simply teasing it, Jensen’s throat emits a deep, demanding and pleasant groan, vibrating through his body. Then he is on his knees as well, looking into my eyes. Greedy kisses and whispers of love and want are underscored with Jensen’s lips and hands moving all over my body, sucking my nipples, nibbling on my ear, teeth gently biting into the soft flesh on my waist. Each stroke and swift move makes me want more and my pleas for more ring through the room, turning us both on even more. Finally, Jensen pushes me gently to the floor, into the soft carpet, his cock proud and almost fully erect, his thighs a warm and trembling presence against my hips. Grinning widely as Jensen sees my hungry eyes he reaches for the lube on the nightstand, kissing me hard before he covers his fingers with it. I wrap my long legs around him, tight like a python would loop around its prey, groaning and grunting in lewd expectation. Then finally two of Jensen’s fingers widen my hole, slowly wandering into the tight, moist canal, stroking, pushing, rubbing, making me feel so good with every deft move. Laughing sensually with each of my moans, doubling his effort, he slowly turns me into a slobbering, begging mess, making it worse and still oh so much better when Jensen finally glides into me. Rhythmical thrusts and both our groans and grunts vibrate through my body, a never ending feeling of bliss, pleasure and satisfaction until we both come, screaming, moaning and gasping hard for air. Jensen buries his head on my collarbone, his ear is pressed to my chest right above my heart, listening to its hammering, boom boom boom, as fast as our harsh breaths. I wrap my arms around my husband, feeling his warm, sweaty skin under my palms and just relish this moment, being so close to Jensen, the man I married, the man I love.

**

Our honeymoon brings us to a little island in the Caribbean. Three wonderful relaxing weeks filled with sleeping, making out, making love, enjoying fantastic food, making love again, swimming naked in the sea at night, taking long walks barefoot in the sand, holding hands and making love again. It’s absolutely perfect and I’ve never been so happy and relaxed before.

Our future looks so golden, so bright and Jensen and I are so much in love.

**

2012 is not only a good year for our private lives but also for our careers, especially for Jensen’s. Returning to LA after our honeymoon, a few scripts wait for Jensen, one of them for the new Bruckheimer movie. After thinking it through, after preparing for days and after an almost nervous breakdown on the evening before, Jensen auditions for one of the leading roles - and surprisingly gets cast. We celebrate the good news with our favorite food, countless glasses of wine, thousands of kisses and hours of making out and making love, not even the prospect that Jensen has to film in Asia dampening our spirits.

My own projects bind me to LA while my husband is on the other side of the world and I miss Jensen like crazy, the texts, emails and calls not enough to chase the loneliness and longing away. Nevertheless, it’s a sacrifice we both gladly make, the opportunity just being too great for Jensen to miss, the movie finally Jensen’s chance of making it on the A list, for making a real break through.

And when I finally hold my husband in my arms after ten long weeks without him, feeling his lips glued to mine and his voice whispering my name like a prayer, like a mantra, I know, we’re closer than ever before, having endured and survived the separation.

##  **2013**

January brings Jensen a nomination for a Golden Globe for his fantastic performance in the Bruckheimer movie, and the night of the ceremony is a very exciting one for him. But I’m there, not letting go of his hand while we stride up and down the red carpet, Jensen giving interviews. Once the award is finally presented Jensen grabs my hand again, holding it so tight that he is almost crushing it, a clear sign how tense he is. Jensen doesn’t win but he’s a gracious loser, standing up like every one else to show his respect and I think I’m even more disappointed than Jensen; I really wanted him to win so badly, wanted him to have the appreciation he deserves so much.

The after party is great nevertheless and when I ask him if he’s fine he just answers, “Yeah sweetie, I am. I know you wanted me to win this award and that’s everything that matters. Thanks for supporting me.” He pulls me into his arms, kissing me gently and I think we both realize in this moment that the appreciation and support we’re giving each other day in and day out, is much more important, much more worthwhile than winning awards.

**

Half a year passes by uneventfully.

We are both busy filming but luckily our projects are shot in LA and even though our schedules are tight we still find enough time to spend together. This doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Jensen every single minute I’m not with him, because I do. I have the honor of working with some really big “stars” in interesting, demanding projects, but as great as they are as actors, none is like Jensen, and I miss the chemistry and the familiarity we had when we shot _Supernatural_.

One beautiful day in July, Jensen’s life is forever changed when his cell rings and his sister, sobbing so hard and loud that I can hear her voice through the phone, tells him that their dad had a heart attack and passed away on the way to the hospital. Eyes burning with tears, Jensen’s face is a mask of shock and pain, staring at some random spot on the bright yellow wall in our living room, stammering words of disbelief.

Once Jensen hangs up, his last words a promise to be on the next flight to Dallas, he is so petrified that he can’t even move a limb. I gently touch his arm and as he looks up to me, his blurred eyes sad and shocked. he looks so lost that my heart tightens and breaks for my husband. I pull Jensen into a loving hug, holding him close, whispering soothing words into his ear, words that don’t mean a bit but hopefully help nevertheless. Only after what seems like minutes he finally lets go, crying, sobbing, sniffing and screaming for the loss of his dad. Like a drowning man Jensen clings to me hard, head buried tightly in my shoulder and I can’t do much but hold him, rubbing my palm soothingly over his back and pressing my lips against his forehead. Jensen’s desperation makes me cry too, and I share his pain, his loss, crying with him for his dad, for losing someone who had such influence, who was such an important part of Jensen’s life.

Eventually both our tears run dry, mine sooner than Jensen’s and when he lets go of my tight embrace I take care of him. Pushing him down on the sofa, I hand him a double shot of whiskey that brings a bit of warmth into his shivering body. I wrap Jensen into a blanket, making sure he is as fine as he can be in a situation like this, and take care of everything else, book our flights to Dallas and pack our bags.

Two hours and a detour to our dog sitter later, we are sitting on the plane and waiting for take off. Staring out of the little window, Jensen is very quiet, very contemplative but he allows me to hold his hand and I try to put all my love and support into every tender brush and squeeze. I’m sure he’s thinking about his dad, all the time he spent with him, all the happy memories and hopefully remembers how proud Alan was for what Jensen achieved.

It’s late evening when we finally arrive at Jensen’s home. The evening atmosphere, the sun setting golden in the west, the smell of barbecue from the neighbors and the sounds of birds and crickets, are a startling contrast to the sad mood Jensen and I are in. Mackenzie welcomes us and she and Jensen hug each other long, crying again, sharing their loss and love for their dad. Donna is heartbroken but having Jensen with her seems to give her a bit of strength and eventually Jensen and Mackenzie manage to calm her down and get her to bed.

A while later we crawl beneath the covers in Jensen’s old bedroom, both exhausted but still too emotionally drained to sleep. Snuggled against me, I hold Jensen as close as possible, almost cover him with my body, just to let him know that I’m there, that he can hold onto me, that he can draw strength from me in the coming days and weeks that will be so hard for him.

“Jay?” he exhales quietly, burying his head even deeper into my chest

“Mmm honey?” I let my hands run up and down his head, combing through the fine hair, feeling it tickling my fingers, Jensen’s warmth seeping into them, giving the warmth back with every stroke.

“I can’t believe he’s gone." Jensen sniffs into the thin material of my nightshirt. "I always thought he’ll be here forever. When I was a kid and my parents went out, leaving me, Josh and Mac alone, I was always worried that they wouldn’t come back. But they did and I grew older and somehow, I was sure we were blessed and that bad things wouldn’t happen to us. And now… he passed away, totally unexpected." Each word is dripping with the desperation Jensen feels, with the difficulty he has to really grasp the fact that his dad is gone. "Just twenty-four hours ago he was alive, happily lying in bed with my mom and now," a perceptible shiver runs through Jensen, "he’s lying in the hospital’s morgue.” Swallowing hard, Jensen tries to hold it together, fighting back the tears that are burning in his eyes once more.

I’m unsure what to say, tightening my hold around my better half. What can you tell your loved one when their dad died? Everything would just sound like the stupid platitude it is, no matter how genuinely it is meant. Nevertheless, I keep on running my fingers through Jensen’s hair, telling him what I hope will at least dampen the sadness for a while. “I’m so sorry, Jen. I loved your dad, he was family and still, I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose someone as close, as important as your dad. And I don’t know what to do, what to say to make the pain and loss more bearable," I admit helplessly, hoping I had some sort of cure to make it all better, to charm a smile back onto my husband’s hurting face. "Apart from one thing, Jen: Your dad loved you, so much. He was immensely proud of you. I know because he told me." Smiling a little, I remember the moment, how awkward but still good is was, my talk with Alan, receiving his blessing. "It was our wedding day and he was so honest. Told me he of course would have preferred you to marry Danneel or any other girl but every time he sees us, he sees how happy we are together, how good we are for each other and he made me promise, “ _Son, take good care of him because I love him”_. I mean to keep this promise forever, Jen.”

Jensen takes a deep breath, whispering a soft “Thanks for telling me” against my chest.

As comfortable silence spreads between us I finally feel Jensen relax in my arms. We breathe in and out together, hearts beating simultaneously against each other’s chest and we finally we both fall asleep.

**

The day of Alan’s burial is a tough one for all of us. My family comes over from San Antonio and I’m so thankful for their support. I have to be strong for Jensen and it feels unbelievably good when my mom pulls me into a strong hug, her small frame against my big body an assuring, soothing presence. I am more grateful than ever that she and Dad are still here, alive and healthy and I just pray to the Lord that they won’t leave us too soon.

The funeral is as nice and solemn as funerals can be and I’m glad that Jensen lets me hold his hand the whole time, and lets me walk beside him on this grievous procession from the church to the grave where his dad finds his final resting-place.

**

It takes Jensen a long time to get over his dad’s loss. He’s having a hard time, not laughing much, not really enjoying what he does but nevertheless he works harder than ever before, probably grateful that he can leave his life behind for the hours spent in front of the camera and being someone else.

I’m terribly worried about him but I know that everyone handles these things differently. I do my best to distract him though, on the few occasions we have a bit of time for ourselves, as I’m busy filming myself. I surprise Jensen with little weekend trips to New York and Hawaii, invite over old friends, we go to some concerts and in October, when we both don’t have any appointments for one week, I finally take my husband back to Vancouver. We haven’t been there for ages.

The air inside the house is stale and the cloth we draped over our furniture to protect it from the sun shining through the half-closed shutters is covered with a thick layer of dust. Nevertheless, it’s like we traveled back in time and after we’ve cleaned up a bit we sit on our old sofa, watching TV, drinking beer, bodies tightly pressed together and hands intertwined. We talk about shooting _Supernatural_ and our favorite anecdotes, when finally Jensen’s long missed laughter booms through the house once he remembers my pants ripping on the graveyard set. It’s the most wonderful sound I’ve heard in a long time and my heart swells with love and joy as I finally see the old Jensen again, the sassy smile on his lips and the lively sparkle in his eyes.

Eventually, I tug him into the bedroom and the way Jensen looks at me and moves his eyes over my body, tells me that he is finally ready for becoming one again. I’ve never made love to Jensen so gently before, each stroke deliberate, each kiss reverent, a celebration and proof of the love I feel for my husband.

Later, when I’m spooned around my husband, my hands covering his, Jensen whispers a soft “Thank you” in my ear and I know it’s not only a thanks for bringing him back to Vancouver, where we’ve always been so happy, but also a thanks for sticking with him, for understanding and not pushing.

##  **2014**

Like in the previous year, Jensen is nominated for a Golden Globe, this time for his splendid interpretation of an injured soldier in Afghanistan.

He wins. Crushing my hand, looking in awe, it seems like minutes until Jensen realizes that it was his name that was announced but then he stands up, pulling me into a quick, one armed hug, kissing my cheek. Weak legs carry him onto the stage where he thanks each and everyone in the production team and his family and friends, dedicating the award to his dad before he closes his very emotional speech by simply telling the world, “I love you, Jay.”

I blush deeply as a strong wave of love and joy washes over me and when Jensen finally comes back to his seat I pull him into a strong hug.

Hours later, when we lie curled up together in our bed, tired but still hyper from the long celebration, I tell Jensen that I’ve never been prouder of him in my life, that he deserves nothing more than winning this award and that I love him more than anything.

**

The spring of 2014 also brings us our first real, bad fight. Of course we’ve had some tiffs before, that’s normal and healthy for a relationship, but the fight we have on this warm evening in May, about two weeks after our second wedding anniversary, is horrible.

A while ago, we started to re-watch old _Supernatural_ episodes. It was Jensen’s idea and even though I was a bit surprised, because he doesn’t really enjoy watching himself on screen, I agreed. It’s a great way to remember things behind the scenes and fun to see how young we were back then, to notice how much we’ve learned and matured ever since we shot the pilot nine years ago. My arms are resting on Jensen’s hips who is sitting in front of me as we’re watching “The Kids are alright”, which is, to be honest, not one of my favorite episodes.

When it’s over Jensen is very quiet and then he says, out of the blue, “We should have one.”

“What?” I ask because I’m not sure what he means.

“Kids. We should think about having kids, Jay," Jensen clarifies, turning his head to look at me, a hopeful expression on his face.

I’m surprised, perplexed and honestly, even a bit shocked because we’ve never even talked about having kids before and it’s not like we only got together yesterday. “Well Jen… with me being a guy and you being a guy… it isn’t that easy.” I try for a smile but I know it looks as weird and almost as uncomfortable as I feel.

Jensen’s hopeful face turns into an unreadable expression. Is it nervousness? Lack of understanding? Insecurity? He moistens his lips with the tip of his tongue and sighs. “I know that. But we could adopt one.”

The suggestion really hits me like a punch, steamrolling me because hello, first we were watching our old show and suddenly my husband is talking about adopting a child? I really don’t know what to say without hurting him, but lying would be fatal, so after a few moments of unusual uncomfortable silence, I decide to go with the truth. “Jen, you just can’t adopt a kid like you buy groceries in the store. As far as I know it’s not an easy process." I try to reason before I admit the unpleasant part, the one I know Jensen won’t like. "And apart from that," I sigh, "to be honest…. I don’t want kids.”

“What?” Jensen calls out, looking at me surprised and a bit hurt. “Why not?”

Scrunching my face, I let my hand run through my mop of hair, feeling weirdly uncomfortable in my skin. “Well, for one, having kids is a real big responsibility. Look at our siblings; that tells you everything. Kids aren’t like dogs or other pets. They need attention 24/7, especially when they’re little. With the two of us working I doubt we can give them what they need. I don’t want to have a kid just to haul them off to a nanny in five of seven days a week.” Jensen looks at me attentively, his green eyes stabbing into mine, like they could read my mind, my soul. I’ve never felt as naked in front of my husband before but still; some things need to be said, especially if they are important to me. “Secondly, Jen. I’m happy the way we are. Just you and me, Harley and Sadie. For me it’s perfect. We have everything we need. I um... don’t want any kids to destroy what we have.”

It’s out and the air between us sparkles with tension as Jensen jerks in my hold, turning his whole upper body towards me. “What?” he gasps in shock and surprise. “You don’t really mean that.” He looks shocked, almost horror-stricken, like I just admitted that I eat kittens for breakfast or something.

“Jen, calm down." I try my best for a neutral, levelheaded tone. "And yes, I mean it. I know kids can be great. I love them, as long as they aren’t mine and I can give them back to their parents after playing with them for a while. And,” I add before Jensen can open his mouth in protest, “to be honest," and now I really look a little ashamed because yeah, what I’m going to say now is well... not good and probably makes me a very superficial person. "I think I never could love an adopted kid as much as my own flesh and blood.”

Jensen’s eyes narrow and his face shows disbelief and something that looks almost like disgust. “I don’t believe it, Jared!!!” he yells, squirming in my grip only to jump up once I let go.“How can you say something like this?! I never thought you´d be so shallow," Jensen spits out, really looking upset. “I’m not your blood, either. Neither are my mom, Mac and Josh. And don’t you love them like your own family? Don’t you love me nevertheless?” He frowns, arms crossed in front of his chest, looking repulsed.

Questioningly I furrow my brow. How can Jensen think something like that? He must know how much he and his family means to me. “Of course I do, Jen. I love you. Your family’s as close to my heart as my own." I shake my head in disbelief. "You can’t possibly doubt it.”

“Well, I’m not sure anymore," Jensen admits with a sad look, throwing his hands up in frustration. "If you do love my folks, why can’t you love a kid that doesn’t have your or my blood, as your own? They wouldn’t care as long as they’re loved!” Jensen speaks with passion in every word, to convince me to change my mind.

“I don’t know," I stammer, feeling really uncomfortable in my skin. "Really Jen, I can’t tell. It’d just feel… strange." Sighing, shrugging, furrowing my brow, I try to convey what I can’t say with my body language. "I just can’t imagine me taking care of and being responsible for a kid that isn’t mine or your own. And Jen, it’s not like we can give it a try. It’s not like we can give a kid back if it doesn’t work out. It’s a decision for life.”

“So, that’s your last word?" Jensen asks in disbelief, shaking his head, a shocked and sad expression on his face. "You don’t even want to think about it?”

“Well, actually, yeah," I answer after a few moments of silence, feeling sorry but nonetheless that it’s the right choice. "That’s my last word. Our life’s perfect, Jen. We are healthy, have jobs we love, more money than we can ever spend. Most importantly, we are a very happy couple. We don’t need kids.” I look at my husband apologetically, hating that it’s me who’s putting this sad look on his face, but I just can’t change it. I’d do a lot for Jensen, really, but that’s... adopting a kid when I really don’t want one, just for his sake, is just too much.

“Ever thought about when we’re old and gray, Jared?" Jensen snarls, the fury now audible in his pissed tone. "We won’t stay in our thirties forever. Ever thought about what happens when one of us is gone? Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone who takes care of us at old age? Someone we can tell the stories of our lives?”

I get my husband’s point, I really do, but nonetheless, I don’t think it’s enough or most of all, the right reason for adoption. “Jen, I’m not afraid of getting old. As long as you are with me I have everything I need.”

“But who knows how long I’ll be around, Jay," my husband calls out in frustration, "I could drop dead in an instant. Like my dad.”

An ice-cold hand grabs at my heart and the image of losing Jensen alone is enough to make me sick and dizzy, to let a shiver of fear, cold and petrifying, run through my body. “Jen, don’t say that," I exhale pleadingly.

“It’s true, Jared" Jensen sniffs, whether in frustration, anger or grief I can’t tell. "Don’t take everything for granted!”

Pacing up and down the living room it’s obvious how agitated Jensen is. “I don’t believe that I’m married to such a narrow-minded, selfish guy!” Not even Jensen’s moist eyes prevent his cold voice and mean words from cutting deeply, hurting like the hardest punch, like countless knives stabbing me.

“What??!!” I call out in hurt and shock. ”How can you say that?" I shake my head and swallow hard, not only to find my words again but also to fight back the burning tears from falling. I just won’t cry now. "Do you suddenly regret that you proposed? That you didn’t bring kids up before you gave me this ring? Choosing me over Danneel?" Frustration and anger is boiling hotter in my belly and now it’s me who snarls, me who is furious, who can’t believe what’s happening here. "Maybe you now wish that you’d married her instead so you’d have a whole football team of little Ackles boys or girls running around your house!”

Tears clouding his green eyes, Jensen looks at me painfully.“Yeah, just this moment, I regret it.” The words, spoken in a hoarse, hurting voice, are hanging between us heavily, slowly spreading, building a momentarily impenetrable wall between us. Sniffing pathetically, Jensen turns on his heel, walking out of the living room, out of the front door and suddenly I fear that he is also walking out of my life.

Shocked, I stumble back against the couch, falling heavily into the cushion, gasping hard. My eyes move frantically over the floor until they fix at the small spot of red wine Jensen spilled just the other day when he opened a bottle to celebrate our anniversary. It feels like it happened in another, happier life. Not able to fight back the tears any longer, they escape my half-closed eyes, hard sobs almost suffocating me. For what seems like hours I cry desperately, hugging one of the pillows close against my chest; I’m heartbroken because Jensen hurt me so much and left me alone, but also because I know Jensen is hurting as deeply, and probably feels as horrible and lost as I.

Eventually my tears run dry and I’m panting heavily, gasping for air. It takes a while until I calm down enough to form some other thoughts than pain and hurt and suddenly the idea to go looking for salvation in the company of a bottle of old Single Malt sounds awesome. The setting sun bathes our luxurious living room in a beautiful, golden light, and apathetically I watch twilight come, blue and gray slowly turning into a black darkness and Jensen is still gone. That’s when the panic rises in my blurred, dizzy mind and I start calling my husband, leaving countless of unanswered, desperate and pleading, honestly really pathetic messages on his voicemail. With every shot I drown my sorrow in, I get more drunk, but my spinning head and churning belly is a welcome misery, nothing I don’t deserve.

It’s almost midnight when my phone rings. Praying, I hope it’s my Jensen, but it’s Chris instead, sounding almost as worried as I am. _“Jared, are you alright?”_

“Not really." I whine and I don’t care. Really. Nothing seems to matter anymore now that Jensen is gone. "I feel like shit. Is Jen with you?”

“ _Yep. And if it makes you feel better, he feels like shit as well. He cried his heart out on my shoulder and ruined my new shirt.”_ The older man grunts and even though it might be meant as a joke, I don’t think it’s funny. Nevertheless, I’m immensely relieved and grateful. Not that Jensen is feeling as down as I, but that he is with Chris, who’s always been one of his closest buddies, who’s once more there to catch him.

“Did he tell you what happened?”

“ _Yeah.”_ Chris sighs. _“Listen Jay, Jensen’s one of my best buddies and you’re a good enough friend an_ _d so I won’t take any sides here. I can understand that he is disappointed and upset because, I’m not sure if you knew it, Jensen always wanted to have kids. Now that his dad is gone, more than ever. Even if they weren’t his blood it’d give Jensen the feeling that his family lived on. What he said to you though was awful and he knows that. He regretted it as soon as it was out."_

“But why did he run away?” I wonder aloud, not really understanding why Jensen fled instead of facing me, instead of talking it out and leaving us both so heavily hurting and heartbroken.

“ _Jay, you really should know him by now."_ I can almost see Chris shaking his head because of my thick-wittedness. _"That’s how Jensen is. Almost always running away if there’s a problem. Boy needs his time to handle it.”_

Of course Chris is right, that’s how my better half is. The only time he didn’t run away was back in December 2009, after my accident. Back then he was ready to take the risk… and just a few hours ago he said that he regretted it. Fuck.

“ _Jay? You still there?”_ Chris sounds worried and I’m grateful that he cares enough, not only for Jensen, who’s close to him, but for me as well, for us.

“Yeah. I was just thinking.”

“ _Jensen will come back to you,"_ Chris promises with an unusually empathetic voice. _"Until then I’ll take good care of him. I swear I will. But you have to promise something in return."_ Not minding that Chris can’t even see me I nod. No matter what he’ll ask of me, I’ll do it. _"Don’t do anything stupid. Like –drinking lots of booze-taking drugs-having a one-night-stand with some strange guy or something like that-stupid. Okay?”_

It even lures a little chuckle out of me because what does Chris think of me? I might drink lots of booze, but having a one-night-stand? I’d never do something like that, cheating. No matter what happened, Jensen will always be the only one. “Right,” I promise, looking at the almost empty bottle and put it on the table, my head still spinning with every move I make. "I should go." Even though it will be lonely, our bed is calling me. "Thanks Chris. Take good care of him."

"Sure," Chris mumbles, hanging up after wishing me a good night.

Doubting I’ll have it, I nevertheless stumble upstairs, falling onto the soft mattress, our mingled scents a familiar presence in my nose. Although I’m tired, exhausted and wasted, with an uneasy stomach and a swirling mind, it takes a while until sleep grants me a bit of rest. Tossing and turning around, feeling dizzier and sicker than before, I desperately miss Jensen’s body that normally lies so close to me, arms wrapped around my torso, warm breath on my neck.

Once I’m finally sleeping I’m haunted by a strange dream once more. It has been months since I dreamed about the accident and suddenly the nightmare is back. It’s the same in the beginning, different in the end. Jensen is there, telling me that he’s going to be a dad soon, now that he left me for Danneel. He sounds as happy as he looks and it makes me unbelievably happy and sad at the same time, seeing my loved one so happy, realizing that it wasn’t me who brought that happiness into Jensen’s life.

Panting heavily, I wake up, my face already wet with the tears I must have cried while I was sleeping. Gasping hard for breath it feels like I’m drowning, like I’m losing it, everything that was ever dear to me. This time there’s no Jensen to anchor me, holding me tight, promising me with a soft touch and whispered words that it was just a dream and that everything is okay. Never having felt lonelier before, it takes me hours until I fall asleep again and once I woke up in the late morning, I’m still beat.

**

The next day feels like a lifetime. Every single hour seems to pass at a snail’s pace, spent with agonizing thoughts, wondering if Jensen will ever come home to me. The fear is fortified by an almost unbearable queasiness. Not only because of the booze I had but most of all because the whole situation is just nerve-wracking.

But then, finally, about twenty-four hours after our fight, I hear a key being turned in the lock of our front door, followed immediately by Harley and Sadie running down the hall to welcome their other daddy. Even though everything in me screams to follow them, to run into my husband’s arms, I don’t. Curled up in the big armchair I stay where I am, waiting for Jensen to come see me. It seems to take ages but finally I hear Jensen’s feet whispering over the tiles and smiling self-consciously down at me, he sits down on the sofa where everything started yesterday

“Hey,” Jensen says with a trembling voice, biting his lower lips insecurely.

“Hi," I exhale, looking at Jensen attentively. He looks as horrible as I do, face pale and eyes red and puffy, his whole posture hunched with his insecurity and the load that is weighing on his shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so fucking sorry for saying those things.”

“Yeah. I know you are." I swallow hard, fighting to hold back the feelings that threaten to overwhelm me. "But it doesn’t make it better. Not really.”

“I know it doesn’t," Jensen admits frankly. "But… can I explain?”

It’s the least I can give my husband, the opportunity to explain, not only the harsh words he said but also the whole sudden longing for kids, something he never mentioned to me. I wonder what else Jensen maybe kept secret, what else he never bothered to tell me, but it’s neither the time nor place to whine about the fact that my lover wasn’t completely honest with me. “Sure. Fire away.”

“You know, before I met you, it never once occurred to me that I might be gay. Never." Jensen shakes his head almost imperceptibly, as if he still can’t quite believe the way his life changed. "I was always into girls, had so many girlfriends I lost count." He grins mischievously. "Then we met and slowly everything changed. We got so close, it was something so special. Suddenly I fell for you and it was so unexpected. It really shocked me, Jay," he admits frankly and I don’t blame him because honestly, the moment I realized what I felt, just minutes before my accident, took my breath away. "But I was with Danni, was unsure how you felt and then you suddenly got engaged and... It didn’t make me happy but it was at least the answer I was looking for without asking." Jensen shrugs. "So I proposed to Danneel. And even though a part of me was breaking because I couldn’t be with you, it wasn’t the end of the world because Danni’s a pretty, wonderful girl and I knew that I at least could build myself a happy future with her, having kids, making not only me but my parents happy. Then Christmas came and we kissed and well, you know the rest." Jensen smiles broadly, maybe remembering the short but blissful minutes when we finally crossed that line and realized what we really felt for each other. "Being with you was everything I ever wanted and could have wished for and really Jay, I gladly dismissed the idea of having kids because I was with you, and, like you said yesterday, we had - still have - everything we needed. That’s also why I never talked to you about having kids."

Moistening his lips with the tip of his tongue, Jensen pauses, looking at me sincerely. "Then Dad died and well, I brooded over his death, wondering about old age and well, all that stuff. Suddenly the thought of having someone who carries the family name was a comforting one, and I also thought that it would be good if we could pass on all our wealth to our kids and that we might have someone to take care for us when we’re old and gray."

Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Jensen takes a deep breath. "The thought that you might leave me before I’m gone frightens me so much and it scares me to spend my last years alone, in an old people’s home, without having anybody to see me. So… I thought having kids would be great. And adopting an abandoned child would be a good thing to do. It never occurred to me that you might not want to have kids, Jay.” Clearing his throat, Jensen looks at me with a mixture of sadness and apology and I know he’s said what he wanted to say, and awaiting my verdict.

“You know Jen,” I say tenderly after several moments of silence. “Having kids is no guarantee that they will stay with you until your dying day. Sadly some kids die before their parents… and some fall out with them. Even if we had kids we don’t know if it’d work out. If we’d be such great parents to them as our respective parents have been to us. If they’d stick with us until we take our last breath.”

“Yeah. I know that, Jay,” Jensen admits eventually, scratching his neck in that slightly self-conscious gesture.

“Nevertheless, I know how you feel." It’s important for me to let Jensen know that I can really see his point, even though I still don’t share it. "Believe me, as much as my mom adores you, she’s really sad that I won’t give her grandchildren. And sometimes it makes me sad as well. When I was with Sandy I always wanted to have kids with her. Not having kids wasn’t an option." Smiling sadly, for the glimpse of an eye I feel the loss of what Sandy and I might have been but then I think of what I have now and it’s so much better that it’s simply worth everything. "But then you became my world and when I accepted your proposal I knew it would at least mean the little sacrifice of not having kids of my own. But I was more than willing to make it. And I’ve never ever regretted it. Not one single day, Jen. Because," and now I smile as broad as I can, that smile I know Jensen loves so much, that carves my dimples deeper than ever, "you’re everything to me.”

I hurry to the man I love and want to grow gray and old with and sit down next to Jensen. Hopeful, loving and sad he looks up to me; his beautiful eyes swimming in tears.

“I know what I said yesterday, Jay." Jensen shivers palpably, each word laced with loathing and disgust. "What really makes me sick is that in that very moment," he swallows hard, avoiding eye contact, "I meant it. But please believe me, Jay," his voice is trembling with sobs, "today I hate myself for saying it and of course I don’t mean it anymore. Proposing to you, Jay," he looks up at me, two tears trailing down his cheeks, "was the best thing I’ve ever done and everything we have, Jay is so unbelievably beautiful and precious. As long as you are with me, Jay, I won’t be afraid of a future that still lies so far away.”

Smiling weakly, I reach out tentatively, touching his arm lightly and it’s making me want more, makes me want to open my arms and hug my husband close and tight. Holding Jensen in a strong grip that is both loving and possessive, we bury our heads in each other’s chests, breathing in unison. It feels so good to have Jensen cocooned in my arms, to feel his body snug against mine, to hear his breathing and feel his steady, strong heart beating as excitedly and happily as mine. Whispering, crying and laughing, we just relish the knowledge that we are still us, still good. After a while I take Jensen’s hand and tug him with me as I get up, pulling him out of our living room and upstairs, our bedroom my goal.

Hands tightly intertwined we stumble into our bedroom and before I can say anything, Jensen asks, wriggling his brow, “Care for a bath?”

"God yeah," I breathe out because having a bath with Jensen is beautifully intimate, strangely romantic, tender and soft. After all that happened yesterday, I need to feel Jensen close and prefer holding and loving my husband than roughly fucking him. At least right now, anyway.

Gently, Jensen pushes me onto the single armchair in our bedroom, kissing the tip of my nose, before he enters our huge en suite bathroom. Only moments later the water is thundering into the tub and I can hear him whistling happily while he rumbles around, making me of course curious what he’s up to. A while later he’s back with me and then Jensen tenderly strips off my clothes, kissing me here and there, whenever some more golden skin is revealed. With every kiss, lick and suck, more blood rushes south, making my dick twitch in my boxers. Moaning excitedly once Jensen sees the bulge in my boxers, eyes turned a darker shade of green as he throws a lingering glance at me, licking his lips, I know my better half is as aroused as I am. Nevertheless, Jensen takes it nice and slow as he frees my member, just kissing its weeping tip once before he gets up again. Arms embracing me from behind, both hands resting above my heart, lips a warm presence against my shoulder, Jensen just holds me for a few, precious moments. Feeling Jensen like that, his half-hard cock pressed against my thigh, a pleasant shiver runs through my body, leaving goose bumps on my skin.

Eventually, Jensen slowly pushes me into the bathroom. A few candles bathe the room into a golden, flickering light and the air is heavy with the perfumed bath gel Jensen put in the water and thick with steam. The water is dancing with big, fluffy clouds of foam and as I dip my big toe in I take in a sharp breath, the water almost too hot on my skin. Once I’m in the tub, with Jensen behind me, it’s a wonderful warmth that chases the last remains of the cold in my bones away. Tenderly, Jensen strokes the washcloth all over my body, washing my chest and back, massaging the hard muscles on my shoulders, long fingers stroking my cock and deftly but still softly kneading my balls. It feels wonderful, lures out sweet and pleased but still pleading and demanding moans and sighs out of the depths of my throat.

It’s the invitation Jensen was waiting for because oh so carefully, he lets his finger circle around my hole, gently gliding in and out, widening it for something bigger and longer. Sliding closer to make it easier for him he holds me even closer and as he presses his lips between my shoulder blades, he fucks me oh so gently, slowly and lazily, in and out, again and again, the only noises being the tiny waves of the water against the tub and our aroused moans and breaths. It’s heaven to feel Jensen inside me, to be so close again, each a part of the other; it’s the proof that Jensen is still my best friend, my partner, my lover and my soul mate, simply my everything.

**

A week after our wonderful reconciliation I have the dream again. And once again I wake up, panting for air, choking down the scream on my lips in the last second, neither wanting to wake nor to worry my husband.

Stirring, Jensen mumbles sleepily, “What’s up, love?”

“Just a dream,” I lie, snuggling back into my soft pillows, hoping that Jensen buys it.

He doesn’t, knows that it was more than a random dream by the way I still breathe hard, and instead of turning over and going back to sleep his hand feels for mine and holds it tight, once he finally found it. “Was it one of… those dreams, Jay?” He asks quietly, his thumb painting strange patterns onto the back of my hand.

“Yeah," I breathe out, just glad that Jensen can’t see my pained face in the almost complete darkness of our bedroom

“But… I thought…” he stammers and even though he doesn’t finish his thoughts, it’s clear what he wants to say.

“Yeah, me too. Haven’t had any ever since I went to see the shrink. But this one, I had it before, the night… the night we had the fight.”

Jensen’s grip around my hand tightens in a sweet gesture of support. “Oh… I’m sorry, Jay. Sorry I wasn’t there.”

“Nah, that’s okay." I shake my head, even though Jensen probably can’t even see it, can only hear the rustling of the pillow. "You couldn’t have known. And I’m a big boy - have to learn to handle them alone.” I try to put up a brave face, to convince the both of us that I’m okay, but fact is, now that Jensen is with me, I already feel better, safer, the warm connection of our hands enough to anchor me, to assure me that he’s with me.

“Maybe. But it doesn’t mean you have to carry the burden on your own. You know I love you, baby. You know I’m here for you.” Squeezing my hand once, he lets go, only to rub his hand up and down my arm before he takes my hand in his again, guiding it to his lips and kissing it gently. It makes everything so much better and the fear finally melts away completely.

Comfortable silence spreads between us and as I listen to our breathing and the distant noises outside, I already think that my husband fell asleep again. Eventually, though, he asks softly, sympathetically, "Want to tell me about the dream, Jay?”

I think about the dream, my fear and our relationship, biting my lower lip. But I want, need to be honest with Jensen, now more than ever and hence, I tell him.

After I’m done Jensen is very quiet, the seconds stretching into minutes until I can hear the rustling bedding as he gently roles on top of me, pressing his head against my shoulder, whispering a soft, “I’m sorry” into my ear. “You know Jay," he adds eventually, after he has made himself even more comfortable on my body, almost blanketing me, "you don’t have to be afraid. I won’t leave you. Ever. I know I hurt you with what I said but please believe me that nothing’s as important to me as you are.”

Moving a bit, just enough to wrap my arms around my husband and hold him close, I tell him that I know just that. I brush my hand through Jensen’s hair and we just kiss and cuddle, giving the other love and comfort, just everything we need after the fight.

Eventually, Jensen’s head slides down, finally coming to rest right over my heart, pressing his ear there to listen to the steady boom boom boom. I know that Jensen loves that, enjoys the simple but still intimate connection, the sound of my heart, the song of my breath, the rhythmic up and down of my chest. It makes me feel close to him, the knowledge that he listens to me being alive and happy, being all his. I hold on to him gently, kissing the sleep warm skin here and there once in a while, until I’m slowly embraced by sleep once more.

Before I completely step over the threshold of unconsciousness, I hear Jensen whisper a very soft and very honest, “I love you, Jay.”

##  **2015**

2015 brings the tenth anniversary of the beginning of _Supernatural_. One day in March we spend an evening together with some of the guys we worked with back then, watching old DVD’s and looking at photos, laughing and remembering all those fantastic times we had on set.

Just a few weeks later, Eric calls, telling us excitedly that he’s planning to produce a _Supernatural_ movie and asks if we are in. We don’t even need to think about it before we give him our answer, one little word with three letters that makes us happy and unbelievably excited. The potential of the movie is huge, the possibility on stories to be told countless and the prospect of shooting with Jensen again the best news for months. Shooting is due to start in autumn and we can´t wait.

***

It’s a very humid evening in late August and I’m home alone. A few days ago, Jensen left to shoot his recent movie in New York and because he won’t stay long we agreed that I should stay at home with the dogs. Sadly, they’re slowly getting old and nowadays I just hate to leave them with their sitter, want to spend their golden years with them as much as possible. My eyes fixed on the dark storm clouds that hang over the Pacific, I’m standing on our patio, lost in thought. I would welcome a strong rain shower washing away the dust from the street and a chill breeze ruffling my hair. Maybe it’d help to clear my head. I haven’t been too well for the last few days. Agonizing headaches and strange dreams started to haunt me before Jensen left but I kept quiet about it, not wanting to worry my husband.

It’s not the nightmares about Jensen leaving me; actually it’s mostly positive things I’m dreaming about, more memories, sort of flashes from the past. My siblings and I back in San Antonio, pranking each other, me in High School, kissing my first girlfriend at the prom, me on the set of _Gilmore Girls_. And of course, memories from _Supernatural_ , especially about Jensen. Sometimes it’s only flashes, of our laughter on set or hanging out together, of us hugging, of us talking to the fans at conventions, and again and again our first kiss before Christmas. Although these dreams are about good things, nice, happy, even very cherished memories, they really churn me up, giving me a feeling that something isn’t right, is about to happen.

Thunder growling in the distance, the first thick raindrops splatter onto the dry lawn in our backyard. I smile softly as I remember a day back in Vancouver while we were filming the last season. It started to rain so heavily that everyone was soaked in an instant. The shooting was interrupted and everyone sought shelter in their trailers or the craft tent but I held on to Jensen, laughing out with pure joy. I wrapped my boyfriend in my arms, kissing him in the rain, long and lazy, soft and tender, tasting rain and Jensen, feeling the cool drops on my face and his hand cradling my head. It was beautiful, a moment of pure happiness, of pure love. Another roll of thunder, now closer, is followed by a bunch of blinding lightning. It’s getting brighter and brighter and it feels so strange, light, like I’m lifted off my feet and I’m confused, scared, don’t know what’s happening to me.

A loud, obtrusive beeping sound rings in my ear uncomfortably and then it feels like I’m lost.


	2. Jensen’s POV

#  **JENSEN**

##  **2015**

I’m sitting on the patio, enjoying a few well-earned quiet moments, reading a book. The sun is shining down on me, tanning my skin. Danneel is swimming lane after lane, dividing the smooth surface of the sparkling water with her golden arms, enjoying the hour of quietness as well.

Sooner or later, Cassie will be awake again and then the house will be buzzing, because the little lady certainly knows how to get attention from Mommy and Daddy. I’m completely lost in the exciting story I’m reading and startle once my cell starts ringing. I read a name on the display I haven’t seen there for months. In surprise, I lift both eyebrows and answer the call, an uncomfortable feeling of anxiety in my belly. “Sherri?” Pressing my lips together tightly, I’m surprised how worried I sound and how fast my heart beats against my chest.

“ _Jensen? Thank God you answered.”_ Jared’s mom sounds relieved but still very agitated and it really doesn’t help my nerves at all. That feeling of foreboding multiplies and nausea washes over me as I’m sure it’s the call I’ve been dreading for the past six years.

“Is it Jared?” I press out with a trembled, almost broken, voice, not daring to ask what I really fear, not able to put into words that my best friend finally left me after fighting in vain for all that time. Even though the sun is still shining brightly down on me, I feel a cold hand reaching out, ready to rip out my already broken heart.

“ _Yes."_ Sherri exhales and if I’m not mistaken, I can hear tears in her voice. Oh God, please, no... Please don’t let Jared really be dead. No no no. _"He’s,"_ Sherri stammers. _"God Jensen, Jared..., he woke up.”_

The cold hand is gone and the sun suddenly seems warmer and brighter as I close my eyes, sending a little prayer of thanks to Heaven, releasing a breath I probably had been holding since the most horrible night of my life, the night when Jared was in that life-changing accident. Tears are filling my eyes, escaping my closed lids already, the emotions that wash over me too strong to handle. Overwhelmed, outright lost for words, I stammer, “Oh my God" again and again. For long moments, I really can’t think of anything else to say, but in a way, it fits so well. It speaks of joy, relief and gratitude but also of fear and uncertainty. It speaks of hope I’ve carried around for all those years, of never really letting go. Eventually, I calm down enough to say something else, something more sane and after taking a deep breath, I’m ready to ask the question that really tortures me the most right now. "What happened Sherri? And most importantly, how is Jared?"

_"We don’t know much, honey. We just saw Jared a couple of days ago and he was as still and as lifeless as ever and then suddenly, Dr. Brown calls us and tells us he woke up. You know what they said, Jensen,"_ Sherri sniffs, but doesn’t continue her dark thoughts. _"Anyways, we just arrived at the nursing home a couple of minutes ago. The doctor can’t tell us much yet; they have to run loads of tests in the next few days. Really, I don’t know anything, hon."_ Breathing heavily, Sherri sounds uncertain as she answers my questions but I really don’t blame her, the situation must be as emotional for her as it is for me.

God, I so want to see Jared, need to see him, the proof that my best friend isn’t sleeping any longer, that life finally came back to him. But I’m not sure if I’m allowed to, and suddenly, although I’m really longing to see Jared, I also dread it and even more, dread to ask for it, scared that Sherri might not want me to see her son at the moment. "Sherri, I’d..." I start, but even before I can finish my request, Sherri cuts in.

“ _Jensen,"_ now she sounds different, almost excited and a bit surprised, _"Jared… he asked for you.”_

No, that can’t be, can it? How can Jared’s first ever thoughts after all these years be for me? I feel immensely cheerful, happy and loved but a huge part of me doubts it, just can’t believe that Jared longs for me as much as I long for him. “What?!! Are you sure?”

I can almost hear Sherri shrug. _“Well, quite. The nurse said that she heard him mumbling “Jen” more than once. It was barely audible but who else can it be but you, honey?”_

Exhaling loudly to repress the humorless laugh that would have otherwise escaped, I give my best friend’s mom a hint. “Genevieve? His fiancee. The woman he intended to marry.” Each word is dripping with venom, is filled with the hostility I feel towards that awful woman.

Sighing, Sherri answers. _"We haven’t forgotten about her. But honestly... I doubt it. You guys were so close. You didn’t abandon him, Jensen, were so good to him. Jared... he adored you so much."_

Even more tears well up in my eyes as Jared’s mom tells me how much my best friend loved me. Not that I don’t know... I’ve always known, did see the proof of his friendship in his look and smile, felt it in his hugs and then once, in that oh so sweet, unforgettable kiss. But hearing it today means the world to me and I can’t wait to see all those little proofs of Jared’s love in his expression again. “I better book a flight then.”

“ _Oh honey, that’d be great. It doesn’t bother you, does it?”_

“No!!!" I argue vehemently. "It’s no problem.” Sherri doesn’t know that it actually might be a problem, with having appointments scheduled in the following days. But it’s Jared we are talking about, Jared who finally awoke from his coma after more than half a decade and although it might be a problem, I don’t give a damn. There are more important things in the world than my work and everything that comes with it.

Once I finish the call with a promise to text Sherri when I am about to arrive in Texas, my still blurred eyes are fixed on some random point in the distance as the realization of what happened slowly sinks in. Jared woke up. I have my best friend back. He woke up. Finally. It’s a miracle. A wonder I’ve been hoping for and dreading ever since his accident in Vancouver left my best friend in a coma. No matter what the doctors said I’ve never given up hope but nonetheless I’m shocked and overwhelmed that Jared finally woke up from his long, deep sleep.

“Honey?” Danneel asks softly, and it sounds like from afar. “You okay? What happened?”

Shaking my head, I look up at her, opening my mouth but nothing escapes but a sob, a shudder and even though it’s one of the best news in months, no actually, years, I still struggle to really grasp it, struggle to say it aloud.

“Is everything alright, Jensen? Talk to me.” Rubbing my arm gently, she demands to know what happened, sounding and looking worried.

“Yeah." I smile after a few more moments of silence and it might be blurred with tears, but I’m sure, it’s one of my happiest smiles ever. "I’m good. Danni… Jared… he woke up. Jared woke up.” I break down with tears of joy and cling on to my wife tightly, her small hands and soothing words barely enough to calm me down, to help me realize what happened.

**

Three hours later I’m sitting on a plane to Austin, waiting for takeoff. I’m still shaken, unusually nervous and so lost in thought that I don’t even bother to pretend to read the book I’m holding in my hands. Staring out of the tiny window to my left, I remember the fateful evening before Christmas 2009.

Jared had left my place more than an hour ago but I was still overwhelmed with what had happened, with the kiss we had shared and the way it had felt deep inside me, warm, precious and just right. The TV was on and my eyes were fixed on it, but I didn’t really take it in, was still on some cloud of happiness, all warm, fuzzy and glowing. Only once my cell rang, was I slowly pulled back to reality, even more so once I heard what had happened; my best friend, my Jared, the man I just had hugged and kissed had been in a horrible car crash. Weak legs carried me to my car and worried to death about my best friend, I rushed to the hospital. The following hours, the uncertainty, was a nightmare that brought me close to the edge, not knowing what was happening, what was wrong. Finally, a young blonde doctor came to tell me something about a severe head injury and my best friend, lying in a coma. Breaking down, I lost it then, crying, sobbing, sniffing, holding on to the slim chance of hope that Jared would surely wake up soon.

Sitting beside Jared’s bed, his parents and I were hoping and waiting, holding his too cold hand, stroking his skin, talking to him. Days turned into weeks and months, nothing changed and slowly, with every passing day, a bit of hope died. Jared’s bruises, the broken arm and the scar from the spleen surgery healed but he was still sleeping, lying lifeless in his bed, breathing so flat and slow, looking so pale, losing weight.

Work without Jared was unbearable, the silly emergency plan Sera and Eric designed almost intolerable, but we wanted to finish this last season, were sure that Jared would have wanted it that way. The set felt strange and empty, just terribly wrong without Jared and every one of us, from crew to actors, hated what we had to do, missing Jared’s tall, goofy, beloved presence every minute.

I also remember the horrible day about six months after the accident when almost all hope died as the doctors told us that it’d be unlikely that Jared would ever wake up again. That was when his parents decided to move him to a nursing home in Texas. Countless tears... I recall each I cried for the loss of my friend, my heart aching and my body shaking, missing Jared whom I loved so much, who was still breathing but was not really alive, so close but nonetheless so far away.

**

Sherri welcomes me with a quick but tight hug and Gerry shakes my hand gratefully. I haven’t seen them since Megan’s wedding two years ago and they both aged reasonably, looking emotionally strained but still happy to see me.

My hope for news on Jared is in vain, though. They went to see their son but he is very disorientated and they weren’t completely sure if he noticed or recognized them at all. Still no one can tell if Jared sustained brain damage and, if my best friend will ever be able to walk, hear or see again. It doesn’t sound too good but not too bad either, sounds like a time of insecurity and waiting for all of us, a time of patience and support. That’s what I want to give my best friend now and I can’t wait to see Jared after coming all the way from LA.

Unluckily, I haven’t been able to visit my best friend that often and even though Sherri understood, with my work keeping me busy, I couldn’t help feeling like I abandoned him, couldn’t chase the guilt away. Sometimes I managed it once in a couple of weeks, sometimes only twice a year, but at least I made sure to go see Jared around his birthday and on Christmas. Not because it was Christmas and not because the accident happened then. It was because of the one kiss we shared, the feeling it gave me, the knowledge to love and to be loved. Whenever I sat down next to Jared, holding his cool hand, petting his haggard, waxen cheek, I remembered the feeling of his once so strong arms and his now so pale, almost bloodless lips kissing mine so softly, evoking the most beautiful warmth in my belly. No matter how happy I am with Danneel, no matter how precious her gift in giving me my beautiful Cassandra is, and no matter how my little baby girl manages to take away a bit of my pain every time she smiles, I’ve never stopped missing Jared, never stopped loving him.

As I follow Sherri and Gerry into the building, up the stairs to the second floor and down the bright corridor, I’m getting more and more anxious the closer I get to Jared’s room. The facility is a very modern, very good private nursing home, not only for old people but especially for cases like Jared, who are in a coma or so heavily handicapped or ill that they need professional care 24/7. At first, Jared was in another home but they neglected him and it resulted in Jared almost losing one of his lower legs when a bedsore started to inflame heavily. Once Jared was released from the hospital, still weak, we moved him to the new nursing home, where he’s been staying for over four years now. Three nurses are on watch around the clock, taking really good care of my sick friend and ever since Jared has been staying here, I feel at least a bit better about the whole thing because I know he’s in good hands. Even though Sherri and Gerri didn’t want me to, I insisted on paying for everything. Other than Jared, I was lucky in life, profiting from a situation I never wanted to profit from and the least and only thing I can do for my best friend, apart from being with him once in a while, is to make sure that he is well taken care of.

Only once I’m finally standing in front of Jared’s room, do I actually hesitate, the anxiety now petrifying me, the uncertainty of what will come now and in the next days choking me. Grateful that a short delay is granted to me, I charmingly chat with Brenda, the pretty nurse on duty who has had a crush on me since she started working here two years ago. Making sheep’s eyes at me, she seems to notice that I’m a bit off, promising to fetch Dr. Brown, the neurologist who is in charge of Jared, before she goes to take care of another patient.

Encouraging words I can barely hear on her lips, Sherri then gently shoves me into Jared’s room, leaving me alone before I can even open my mouth to protest. Jared is a barely recognizable form in his bed with the room being unusually dark and the further I step closer to my buddy, the more nervous I get, not sure if Jared is asleep or awake, if he will recognize me at all, if he will remember what we had, the friendship, the love. With every step I take, I not only get more anxious but also see more of my best friend. The only difference to my last visit is that they covered Jared’s eyes with a light bandage - a precaution to protect his eyes. After all those years they don’t want to risk Jared damaging his sight by the too bright light, want to slowly get him used to it. Apart from that, there’s no visible change, no real proof of Jared really having awoken from the coma. His head is almost bald, the once so long and shiny mop of hair gone long ago, shaved because it’s much easier to care for that way. His body is haggard, his face, freshly shaved, pale like a ghost and he’s still attached to all kinds of medical machines and instruments helping to take care of him. Not a bit is Jared recognizable as the person he used to be, the man who was my best friend and who I fell in love with. But nevertheless, no matter what the future will hold, I will always love him, always stay his friend, no matter how poor his condition might be; no matter if he will stay a nursing case for the rest of his life.

“Hey Jared." I’m sitting down on the comfortable armchair that is standing in Jared’s room, a room that looks more like a living-room than a sickroom. I take his hand in mine, hold it for a while, guide it to my lips to gently say hello to my best friend with a sweet little kiss. If I’m not mistaken, Jared’s hand seems a little warmer than usual and it’s as soft as always, proof that he is taken good care of.

There’s silence and no response to my gentle touches, the air pregnant with expectation, like it’s not only me who can’t wait to see Jared waking up but Jared himself who’s just waiting for the right moment to let me know he’s back. Nevertheless, I’m not disheartened. If I learned something in the past six years, it’s patience.

The more time passes though the more heavy and nerve-wracking the silence seems and eventually, I start talking to Jared quietly. “Your parents called me, Jay. Said that you finally woke up. You took your time dude." It’s an understatement. It has been almost six years. Six long years... Jared has been sleeping longer than I actually knew him. Once more the gravity of what happened then and what occurs now, of the massive change in all our lives, hits me like a hard punch. "But it’s good to have you back, Jay. So good. I missed you." Another understatement. I’ve never thought that you could miss someone as much as I missed Jared. Maybe it was because of the situation, him not having died but being comatose, Jared being close but so far away, where no one could reach him. But I missed all the little bits and pieces that made Jared... well, Jared and seeing his sleeping body, holding his lifeless hand, didn’t alter the situation one bit, didn’t ease my yearning.

Once more, silence stretches between us, having me searching desperately for something to tell Jared. It never was a big issue while Jared was lying in a coma, but now, it’s different. My life... being married to Danneel, having a daughter Jared doesn’t know about, being an A-List Hollywood actor... It might come to a shock for him. He must be all confused and disorientated, not knowing what happened in the first place, not suspecting anything about how much time did pass and I really can’t chitchat about stuff like this right now. I decide on something else and quietly sing one of Jason’s new songs instead. Of course, Jared doesn’t know it but that doesn’t matter, I know that he has always loved hearing me sing and maybe that will be enough to lure him back to consciousness.

Eventually, after half a dozen more songs, after my voice is slightly raw and scratchy, there it finally is; a noise, a weak moan, escaping Jared’s throat, accompanied by a barely there twitch of his hand in mine. The moan, weak as a new born kitten’s, is almost inaudible but nonetheless, it’s the sweetest sound I’ve heard ever since Cassandra was born and cried for the first time. “Jared?” It’s just his name but it says it all, the pain and hope, the love and fear, just everything I’ve felt in those many years of waiting.

“Jen,” he whispers weakly. Oh thank God, Jared recognizes me! His voice sounds too harsh, tired and unused, is really nothing more than a whisper, than a creak, but for me, it’s a little wonder. It’s something I’ve doubted to hear ever again and most of all; it means that Jared is able to talk and hear, that he recognizes my voice and remembers who I am. It’s simply awesome.

“Yeah buddy, it’s me.” Squeezing his hand gently, I feel those traitorous tears burning in my eyes again. But who cares if I become a princess now? No one sees it but Jared, and he will understand, once he knows what happened.

“Happen?” Jared caws

It sounds like Jared wants to know what happened. It doesn’t seem wise for me to tell Jared at once that he was in a coma for almost six years so I keep quiet about that significant detail and only tell Jared the basics. “There was a car accident, Jay. You were hurt but... you’re going to be alright." It’s a stupid comment to make, because we still don’t know how restricted Jared will be, what neurological damage there is, but I want to calm my friend down and for things like that, platitudes are still the best.

“Can’t…member…”

“You can’t remember? Well, don’t worry about that, okay. I’m sure your memories will come back." Having said this, I actually wonder what Jared remembers. Not that it matters much, because all that matters is that he is back, but nevertheless, I can’t help wondering if my buddy remembers that we kissed, remembers that we found love before the accident happened. And I wonder if it were for the better or worse, if Jared won’t remember.

“Kay.”

And before Jared can ask something else, he exhales audibly, falling asleep again.

**

The following couple of days are like the first. Sleeping a lot, his body yearning for rest, Jared is out for most of the day, but whenever he wakes up, Jared asks for me. It really touches me, the love and trust Jared shows me in a situation that laid him bare, completely helpless and vulnerable. On the other hand, it also makes me slightly uncomfortable, making me wonder how I can ever break the news gently that a lot of things changed in the past six years. Nevertheless, I change the bed in the hotel nearby for a bed in Jared’s sick room. It’s me who Jared responds the most to, me who he seems to concentrates all his thoughts on and Dr. Brown said it would be best if I’d stay with him. I don’t mind. Listening to Jared’s quiet breathing is uncommonly relaxing and the little hits of recognition as well as the tiny advancements Jared makes every day are my compensation for the lost luxury and privacy.

Jared’s improvements might be minor but they are a precious signs that he really is coming back. The periods he is awake are longer than in the beginning, increasing minute by minute. Jared’s voice seems stronger and clearer and the last time I held my friend’s hand, Jared slightly brushed my finger with his thumb. It was barely there but other than that first day, it was more than a mere jerk of muscles, but a conscious touch.

**

Being in need of a bit of fresh air, exercise and some space for myself, I take a walk in the park that surrounds the nursing home, the too hot sun of late August burning down on me but not really bothering me. My mind is occupied with the long call I had with my wife. She asked when I’d be home and seemed pissed that I couldn’t tell. She understood that I wanted to see Jared now that he’s gained consciousness again but in her opinion, a couple of days are more than enough. Her tone was cold once she told me that I should drag my ass into the next plane and although I’m not happy about our little disagreement, a part of me even understands her point of view. Things have changed in the past years while my best friend was sleeping and I have obligations now I didn’t have before, my baby girl who misses her daddy at the top of the list. But as much as I miss Cassie and the soothing feeling of her small body pressed tightly against mine, I just can’t leave Jared before he is at least a little better. A full recovery will take months, maybe even years and of course I can’t stay with him that long, but at least I need to be with him until he finds out what happened, about the accident and the coma, and until I am sure that he’s steadily getting better. Most of all though, I just want to be with Jared, want to give him the knowledge that he isn’t alone in this, that I’m here, with him, not now but in two or three weeks, if it has to be, and that it wasn’t a dream.

When I finally return, my nose itching under a slight sunburn, Megan and Dr. Brown are talking excitedly in front of Jared´s room. A questioning look later, the doctor tells me that Jared was up again, asking why everything is so dark. They decided to remove the bandage and luckily, Jared’s eyes seem to be fine, recognizing his sister. Now Jared has his sight back he also seems a little more orientated and according to Dr. Brown, that’s definitely a step forward in his recovery. While Megan stays outside to call her parents I hurry back into my friend’s room. The shutter is opened a tiny bit, a few sun rays adding light to the small lamp on Jared’s nightstand, throwing funnily shaped shadows on the floor and wall.

Sitting down by Jared’s side, I look deep into those hazel eyes I haven’t seen open for so many years. A shiver runs down my spine once I remember the last time I looked at them, when we kissed, when our eyes locked and spoke of all those feelings that were washing over us. The memory conjures a smile upon my lips and Jared’s lips also slightly twitch until finally, there is a hint of his gorgeous dimples. God, I missed them so much. I missed him so much.

“Jen." Jared sounds a bit stronger, more awake than in the days before and his eyes are curiously fixed on me.

“Yeah, it’s me, dude. How’re you?”

“Weak, Jen," he exhales, closing his eyes only to open them again after a moment. "Can’t move a limb.”

I smile down at him gently and encouragingly and put my hand on Jared’s arm, rubbing and squeezing it softly. “Don’t worry, it’ll get better, Jay. Just be patient.”

Barely perceptibly, Jared nods once. “What happened?” he asks again, probably having forgotten everything I told him the first time I saw him.

Another gentle squeeze. As neutrally as possible I tell him. “Terrible car accident happened. But," I add once I see Jared’s eyes widen in fear and something that might be utter confusion, "don’t worry. You’ll be up sooner than you can say your last name."

Jared looks insecure, only managing half a smile at Jensen’s obvious lie. “Don’t remember… last thing I remember was a storm.” What the fuck?! I can’t remember a single storm in December 2009. It was a hard winter, freezing, snowing, but no storms and my stomach churns as I wonder how many months Jared lost. Not knowing what I can tell Jared I shrug helplessly, hoping that Jared is still too out of it to notice how anxious I am. “Jen? Why’s it so dark in here?” It’s obvious that the darkness makes him uneasy, maybe even scares him and I can’t help but wonder what Jared’s unconscious life was like in the past years. Did he dream something? If so, was it pleasant dreams or nightmares? Or was it all darkness and shades of gray, every single day like the next?

“It’s because of your eyes, Jay." Explaining slowly and gently, I once more trail my fingers up and down the soft hairs on Jared’s arm, providing a bit of comfort with that little touch. "You have to rest them. Doctor’s orders.” Eyes widening, looking worried, I add at once, not wanting to unsettle my friend even more. “But don’t worry, man. Just a precaution. Everything’s going to be all right. I promise. Tomorrow there will be a little more light, and some more the day after tomorrow... step by step.”

“Kay," Jared murmurs, closing his eyes only to open them again after a while, like he doesn’t really believe that everything is fine with his sight. Only once he looks at me again, the small hint of a smile on his face, does Jared seem to accept the good news, closing them again to rest them. Lids fluttering but staying shut I’m sure the exhaustion of the day takes its toll and lures Jared back to sleep but after a while, he quietly asks again. “How’s shooting?”

Oh shit, what should I say now? That we’re on hiatus, making Jared believe that it’s still 2009? Or something less specific? After struggling with my conscience, I choose the second alternative. “Jay, I’m not working at the moment.”

If my friend looked confused before, he looks immensely baffled now. “Not? What... about… New York?” Every single word is breathed out with a lot of effort.

What the hell is Jared talking about?! We never shot anything in New York together. Sure, I just went to shoot a small part of my new movie there a couple of weeks ago but how could Jared possibly know? That just can’t be... Suddenly almost as perplexed as Jared is, I know I need to think about something to say fast and soon; hence I try a little lie. “Oh, that’s what you´re talking about." I try for my most casual tone and expression. "Finished days ago.”

The worried, unsure look in Jared’s face doesn’t go away, on the contrary. Eyes widened in shock, his cheeks lose the little color they have and Jared seems even more anxious than before. “How long… unconscious. When happen?”

This question was of course to be expected sooner or later. I’d have preferred it later, much later and Jared simply can’t be ready to hear the truth yet, only having awoken, still so weak and fragile, so I avoid the truth, almost ignore the answer. “Don’t worry about it, Jay.” I know it’s a weak reply but I can’t think of much else, hope that Jared buys it, considering he is still confused and slow on the uptake.

Luckily, he is, mumbling something I can’t really understand, closing his heavy eyelids, falling asleep. This time, Jared leaves me with a mainly heavy heart, wondering how we can best tell him the surely devastating truth. Losing all those years... all the things that happened... It was difficult enough for us; it must be sort of a living hell for Jared. Not even the good side of all of Jared’s Q&A help to lighten my spirit a bit. Jared is definitely getting better but I wonder how he will react, how big of a setback it will be, once he learns the truth.

**

The next day brings the first bad news in Jared’s recovery; his right arm, the one that was broken, is paralyzed. Being bathed, Jared noticed that he can’t feel the sponge and nurses’ hand on his arm and a closer examination brought the shattering certainty. The nerves are damaged. It might get better with therapy sessions but they can’t doubt it. Jared’s eyes are swimming in tears once I hurried to his side. Feeling helpless, the only thing I can do is hold my friend’s hand and wipe his tears away, offering a bit of comfort with soothing touches and reassuring words.

Pretty soon afterwards, Jared falls asleep, the emotional strain taking its toll. I steal away, leaving the room, the building, running away. I don’t know where my feet carry me until I finally find myself at the little lake, panting, cursing and crying. Sobs shaking me heavily, I cry for the six hellish years I had to watch my best friend ailing in his bed and for Jared losing so many years of his precious life then, and the mobility of his arm now. Why did this happen to him? To sweet, gentle Jared, who was always so kind, so funny and so full of life and love? Who could brighten my day with a single broad smile or a simple touch? It’s so unfair! And even though I’m unbelievably grateful that I’ve got Jared back now, I weep for losing my best friend then and for the future we might have had together, if none of that had ever happened.

It takes me a long time to calm down, but eventually, it does happen. And with every passing second, with the hot afternoon sun shining down on me and the warm light breeze whistling over my skin, I feel a bit of the happiness that was completely drained off me return. Jared is alive and against all odds, he woke up again. He’ll surely find his happiness again and I’ll help him getting there.

**

This evening Jared is awake for the longest period until now, over an hour. Lost in thought, my friend is quiet, not asking a single question, his eyes, the only thing he can move well, fixed at a spot on the wall. Downhearted as he is, he hasn’t asked me a single question, hasn’t even acknowledged my presence once I stepped into the room, my face still slightly swollen after my long crying fit.I don’t blame Jared... If it’s hard for me, how hard must it be for him? Not even trying to start some pointless, casual chatter, we share the comfortable silence, me reading the book I brought, throwing a glance or smile at my friend once in a while, making sure that Jared knows I’m here if he wants to talk.

Only once Brenda comes with Jared’s dinner, does he ask the nurse to leave and me to stay instead, asking if I’d mind doing it. The feeding tube was removed a couple of days ago but because of Jared’s weak muscles he can’t so much as hold his own spoon, let alone guide it to his lips. It might be a bit unusual, maybe even slightly awkward to feed your best friend but I shake it off, see it as Jared’s proof of trust in me. Hence I make sure that every drop of the strong broth lands right where it is supposed to, slowly feeding Jared spoon by spoon.

The longer it takes, the more tears cloud Jared’s eyes and once I’m done and the last remains of the soup is gone, does Jared let go and cries desperately. Terribly afraid, he asks if he’ll ever be able to move again, wants to know how a stupid car accident he can’t even remember left him in such a weak, helpless state. There’s not much I can do and even less I can tell Jared so I crawl into bed with him, holding on to him tight. Weak as he is, he can’t even hug me back, but with every gentle stroke he calms down until eventually, he falls asleep again. Not letting go of his skinny body for a while I stay with Jared until I’m sure that he is sleeping soundly, not being haunted by nightmares. When I’m sure that Jared’s asleep, I kiss him goodnight, leaving him to go looking for Dr. Brown. Attentively he listens to me and my worries and then decides that it’s time for my friend to get physical therapy. First, it might be worse than better, but in the long run, it’s Jared’s start to return to life.

**

A couple of days pass and Jared is getting better. It can not only be seen in the fact that Jared is sleeping less and talking more, but also in the tiny improvement in Jared’s mobility and even more visible progression of his general condition. Paul, the physical therapists, works really hard with Jared, twice a day for an hour each session. Even though it’s exhausting like hell for my friend, draining him both physically and emotionally, making his muscles and limbs hurt so much that Jared needs pain meds to ease them a little, he fights, not giving up, noticing himself that he is slowly recovering. The best news though is that, apart from the paralyzed arm, Jared seems to be in good health. More examinations, tests and the exhausting therapy show that there isn’t any neurological damage and that once Jared is released he can lead a normal life and reach the old age he is destined for.

My only concern, next to the still unsolved problem on how to spill the news about the coma to Jared, is that meanwhile not only Danneel but also my agent and publicist are getting impatient, begging me to come back to LA for the sake of my career. I tell them that I’m not ready yet, shrugging their worries away. How can I leave Jared when every time he smiles, sometimes even laughs, seems like a little miracle? How can I let go of him when he’s looking at me with those big hazel eyes shining with so much adoration and love, when he reacts to every gentle touch that makes it clear that he loves me now as much as he did six years ago?

No matter how unbelievably fucked up the situation might be, I can’t help to feel the same, the pleasant, constant prickling in my belly the best proof of my feelings. My heart breaks at the thought of having to break his, of having to own up to Jared that I didn’t wait for him, that I’m married with a baby daughter and that, no matter how much I still love him, I just can’t leave Danneel.

**

Then it comes, the day of truth when we both learn what happened to the respective other in the past six years. We’re watching some old movie together, _Die Hard I_ on the DVD I brought because I didn’t want Jared to turn on the TV and let him discover that we are in 2015. Having seen the movie so many times that I lost count, I watch our twined hands more than the screen. It’s a strange but nevertheless beautiful feeling, that conscious touch, that connection between us. Maybe it should be weird, holding Jared’s hand like he is my lover and maybe I shouldn’t do it, with my wife and baby girl waiting at home, but Jared seems to crave for every little touch I give him and no matter if it is wise or not, I just can’t refuse him anything.

“Jen, where’s my ring?” We’re halfway through the movie and Jared slowly turns his head in my direction. Even little movements like this are still quite an effort for him. Worry and doubt is clearly visible in his pale features and I don’t know how I can help him, what he’s talking about. Other than me, Jared never wore much jewelry. I ask him what he’s talking about, brushing my thumb over his hand soothingly. “Emm Jay, what ring?”

Eyes widening in utter confusion, he swallows hard, looking like he’s about to burst into tears. “My wedding ring." He emphasizes every single word and the emotion that vibrates in his tone makes it clear that he really believes what he’s talking about. "The one you slipped onto my finger. April three years ago. Remember?”

Wedding ring?! Married??!! Me and Jay???!!! Oh my God. What the fuck is going on? Is Jared losing his marbles? But it can’t be.... no way is that a joke... he looks so serious, insecure and broken and he certainly believes what he is talking about, believes that he and I are a couple, married. Oh my God... What am I going to do now? I’m almost as confused as Jared, unbelievably worried with that cold hand reaching out for my heart again and no matter how good an actor I am, my face shows my anxiety because it troubles my friend even more.

Big eyes are looking at me, once more moist with those tears I’ve really seen much too often in Jared’s eyes of late. “Jen? What’s wrong? What’s going on?” he asks, sounding broken.

Fuck. Here it finally is, the point of no return, the point where I have to decide what to tell Jared and most of all how to tell him. A huge part of me wants to run and hide from the sadness, the disappointment, the fear and pain I’m sure that will be written on my best friend’s face soon but I can’t. Jared is my best friend and I love him... I owe him the truth. Switching off the TV, I turn completely towards Jared, frightened hazel eyes staring back at me. I swallow once, twice, three times, just to gain a bit of time, gently squeeze Jared’s hand, the light squeeze he manages in return helping me to find my words. “Do you trust me, Jay?”

“Yeah," he exhales. "You know I do. I love you.” How his eyes are shining now, so bright and clear, making it obvious that Jared really does love me.

The lump in my throat is growing and a weird feeling spreads through my belly, happiness, sadness but most of all queasiness. I’m sick with love for this man, but also sick because I will break him now, have to break him to finally give Jared peace and the knowledge about what happened. Taking a deep breath, I start to break the news gently. “Jay, do you know what year it is?”

“Sure," he answers like it’s the most stupid question ever. "2015.”

What the fuck? How can he know? But this time my face doesn’t show my surprise and bewilderment. “Yeah, that’s right." I smile at him, like Jared just answered the question of the year. "What is the last thing you remember before you woke up, Jay?”

“I told you," he sighs. "A storm, only a couple of days ago. It was hot and I was alone, standing on our patio. You were away, filming in New York. Remember we agreed that I should stay at home because of the dogs getting old?"

Okaaay. This is suddenly turning into the most confusing and weirdest conversation ever. I really can’t tell what’s going on but something is going on, something weird, something that maybe can’t even be and the only thing I know is that I need to find out what is it, so I can help Jared. No matter how puzzled I am, I push it away, my goal clear in front of me. “Right.” And before Jared can even ask something else, I add. "Jay, do you remember your car accident back in 2009?”

Furrowing his brows in question, biting his lower lip, he answers eventually. “You know I never remembered it, Jen. Of course I remembered what happened before…the kiss. I know I was unconscious for a couple of days. Why are you asking this stuff, Jen?" He looks at me scared. "What’s going on? What’s happening... you’re scaring me, honey."

Honey... God, he calls me honey. My heart is breaking just a bit more and like Jared, I’m confused. What is going on here? Am I dreaming? Am I maybe still lying at home in LA, Danneel next to me and I’m dreaming all this? But the warm hand in mine is there, is real, as much as Jared’s pleading voice and worried look. “Jared, you have to trust me now, okay?" I lean a little closer, hold on to his hand a little tighter. "And you… I think you have to be brave now. But I promise…I promise everything’s going to be alright, okay?”

“Jen? You’re scaring me," he sobs and the first tear escapes his eyes. "What’s wrong?”

Taking a deep breath, my thumb steadily drawing circles into the other man’s skin, I tell him, as gently as I can. “This will be a big shock for you, Jay. But back in 2009, after the car accident…" I close my eyes in the pain that overwhelms me for a second but open them again to look straight into Jared’s horrified face. "You didn’t wake up, Jay. You were lying in a coma, for almost six years." He gasps in shock and grabs my hand as hard as he can, which isn’t much but I’m not yet done, there’s more to explain. "I’m not sure what happened while you were sleeping but… none of the things you remember are true. None of this happened. I’m so sorry, Jay"

Silence. Terrified and shocked, Jared is looking at me, eyes big, with more tears streaming down a face that is pale as a ghost’s. Swallowing hard, looking for something to say where nothing could be said, Jared’s body is trembling, first almost imperceptibly, then stronger and harder. Like Jared has been running a marathon he breathes hard but suddenly he can’t get enough air in his lungs anymore and the panic he is already in gets stronger and more desperate as he gasps for air.

Horror-stricken, I watch Jared having a monster of a panic attack, fighting, gasping, jerking and all I can do is call for help, watching nurses and doctors rushing into the room, taking care of my friend, injecting him with something while I almost bite my lips bloody in anxiety.

**

Ten minutes later Jared is better, his panic attack, or whatever it was, gone, the sedative Dr. Brown gave him doing its job. Once Jared seems better, I follow Dr. Brown outside, telling him what happened. He looks surprised, mumbling “Curious, very curious” into his beard, not being able to offer me any kind of explanation. People hardly ever awake from such a deep coma and so barely anyone lives to tell the tale of what happened with them while they were sleeping. Great. Just great.

Listening to the doctor’s steps echoing through the hallway, I call Sherri to tell her what happened. Only once I hang up do I return to Jared’s room. I’m not sure of much anymore, least of all what to do and say, but I know that Jared needs me now. No matter what happened to my friend, he obviously believed we were lovers, were even married and his whole life, his whole reality broke down in the glimpse of an eye. I can’t even imagine how horrible that must be for him. So, even though this feels so strange, making me insecure and ponder what I can tell him, I repress my feelings and try to be strong for my friend.

“Hey,” I say quietly as I step to his bed where Jared has buried his head into his pillow, not turning around once he hears my voice. I sit down on the familiar armchair and reach out to take Jared’s hand in mine. It jerks and trembles under my touch, like it burns Jared.

“Don’t,” my friend whispers, sounding so hurt, broken and insecure.

Letting go, my face displays emotions that Jared luckily can’t see. That I’m as hurt, sad and as insecure as he is. The man who was yearning for my touch just mere minutes ago can’t stand it any longer... God, I hope this isn’t the beginning of the end of our friendship... I hope it takes more than unreturned love to destroy all those years... “I’m sorry, Jay." I’m surprised how broken my apology sounds. "I just thought… you’d want me to.”

“No," Jared sniffs. "It’s not real.”

“But it is, Jay.” I mean it. For me, it is. We might not be lovers or married but Jared is still... Jared. My Jared. My best friend and one of the most important people in my life.

“No we never were…lovers.” He presses out each word quietly, like it physically hurts him to say it aloud and it probably does, probably hurts him as much as a woman hurts when she’s in labor, an unbearable pain, running through his body, deep into his soul.

“No, we weren’t," I agree and my heart is hurting because if things had been different... we could have been... We should have been. "But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, Jay. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care. And that I can’t hold your hand. I always did in the past six years.” Tears are once more welling up in my eyes. God, if anyone knew what a girl I became ever since Jared woke up... or moreover, ever since his accident, they’d laugh at me.

Swallowing hard, still not looking at me, Jared doesn’t answer. He moves a bit and I can see him closing his eyes before he whispers tiredly, “M tired, Jen.”

“Yeah, I bet you are." I’d like to reach out, stroke his cheek or over the stubble on his head, but I don’t, unsure if I am allowed to touch Jared right now. "Go to sleep then. I’ll stay if you want me to.”

It’s quiet for long moments and I’m almost scared that Jared will send me away, will widen the rift that grew even more. Luckily, eventually, my friend allows me to stay, taking a small step towards me again. “Would be nice," Jared mumbles into his pillow.

Of course I stay. Watching Jared attentively, I concentrate on my best friend, looking at him curiously, like he’s a masterpiece of a famous artist. Light brown hair, a bit longer now than two weeks ago... I remember how years ago, I sometimes longed to comb my fingers through it and feel its softness against my skin, no matter how creepy the idea seemed. The rise and fall of his chest against the light cover, stronger now than it has been before. The prominent moles on his face and the little wrinkle in his cheek where his dimples grow... I really hope I can see those dimples again, that I can see Jared smile again, for me... God, how much I still love Jared... I never really stopped... A huge part of my heart is Jared shaped and it never really shrank. I want to protect him so badly but I doubt I can, without knowing what happened, without knowing if he will ever get over what he just learned.

**

Eventually, a soft knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts and Jared’s parents step into the room, looking almost as confused and worried as I am. Not wanting to wake my peacefully sleeping friend, we leave for the luckily empty common room and, with carefully chosen words, I tell them what’s happened. It’s hard but I owe them the truth, they’d hear about it sooner or later anyways. Once I’m finished there’s an awkward silence, me nervously biting on my lower lip, Sherri and Gerry looking at each other astonished. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin because I just outed Jared to his parents and am frantically looking for something I could offer them, any kind of explanation. Unfortunately, I’m uninspired, can’t sugarcoat the feelings Jared and I shared, can only offer them the truth.

“Why?” Sherri asks desperately, burying her head in her hands, shaking heavily. “Why’s this happening to our boy?”

No one can answer and I’m sure that Sherri doesn’t really expect one. It’s something I’ve been wondering again and again myself, not only recently, but ever since the accident. It’s one of the questions no one can answer, maybe not even God. Sometimes, bad things just happen and all we can do is try to make it better somehow. It seems that we’re all lost in our own thoughts and no one talks for a while, the silence between us heavy, only broken with one of Sherri’s heartbreaking sniffs once in a while.

“Why would Jared think that he and you are lovers?" Sherri’s question startles me. Not because it’s unexpected, because it isn’t, but because I was so far gone, in another time and place. "He was engaged - to a woman.”

Shifting uncomfortably in my chair, I ruffle my hair in embarrassment as I try to read their faces in the dimly lit room. It’s hard to tell what’s going on in their minds. Gerry’s face, almost lying in darkness, is neutral, Sherri’s face, eyes red rimmed, confused and curious. What I tell them then is something almost no one else knows, the unaltered truth about what happened. It’s a tale about two actors who were thrown together for a job but became best friends instantaneously until they suddenly fell in love. It’s a story about a goodbye hug that turned into a kiss. And in the end, when almost all is said and Jared’s parents are looking at me in pure amazement, I admit that what Jared dreamed might really have happened if he hadn’t had that accident or hadn’t been in that coma for so many years. It’s nothing but the simple truth. The love I felt for Jared back then was strong, deep and pure. Having fallen for him so deeply, I wanted to be with him, no matter what the cost. I’d have willingly broken my engagement with Danneel to build a future with Jared, would have given up everything just to be with him.

"I’m so sorry, honey," Sherri whispers before she hugs me tight, showing me with her words and her embrace that she wouldn’t have minded, that she even is grateful that her son had found a love like ours, even though it was only for the shortest while.

**

The next day dawns sunny and bright. Waking up and yawning heartily, Jared finds me reading my novel. Once he blinks his tiredness away, my friend makes eye contact, giving me a small but sweet smile, mumbling a tired “Morning.”

"Morning yourself." I smile broadly, closing my book and putting it away. "Sleep okay?"

"Yeah." Jared nods. "Dreamless."

As I lean over to press the button for the nurse on duty to help Jared get ready for the day, he shakes his head once, his look alone enough to stop me in my motion. "Listen Jen... I’m..."

"Shhh." I shut Jared up, putting my finger to his lips, closing them gently. "Not now, okay? You’re barely awake. We first get something down in your belly and then you do your therapy and once that’s done, I’ll be back and we can talk. But not now. Okay?"

Nodding once, Jared agrees but when I leave the room to give Jared some privacy, he calls a weak "Thank you, Jen," after me and the smile on his face, cutting his dimples deep, is sweet, genuine and loving.

**

While Jared struggles to build up some muscles, enduring another deathly exhausting physical therapy session, I struggle on my own, with a call with to Danneel who really isn’t happy with me at all. I appeal to her understanding, ask for a little patience but her heart is cold as she insists that I’ll come home at once. She asserts that she needs help with Cassie. It’s a weak excuse and she knows it as well as I do because we hired a nanny the day Cassie was born and she takes care of our baby almost every day around the clock. I make my decision, telling Danneel that I can’t come home yet and she hangs up without another word. I don’t try to call her back. Mostly, Danneel is the sweetest girl ever but when she’s like this... nothing really helps but time. And it’s clear what’s bothering my wife. She is jealous, probably has always been. Even though Danneel liked Jared, she’s always thought we were too close, far too strongly connected and once in a while, she made inappropriate comments about Jared and I. Hating that she has to share me with Jared again turns her into a beast and there is nothing I can do except for not giving in, hoping she understands eventually that my best friend needs me more right now than Danneel or my baby girl.

Nevertheless, I know that I can’t stay forever and that someday soon I have to return to my new life and have to leave Jared to struggle with his.

**

Smiling broadly, conjuring a bunch of flowers from behind my back, I try to cheer my friend up a little when I return to his room later. "Brought you something. A bit of summer for your room."

Jared blushes slightly, whispering a barely audible "thanks", giving me a little, but still sad smile. He watches me as I put the bunch into a vase and the vase onto my friend’s nightstand.

"You good?" I ask once that is done and I sit down on the much too familiar armchair again. Jared looks tired and exhausted, his forehead a little sweaty. “Okay. Little tired. Therapy was exhausting.”

It always is. Eventually though, all the effort will be worth it and that’s what I tell my friend. "You’ll see, it’ll be worth it soon, all that sweat and pain. You’re getting better every day and soon... you’ll be jumping around like a young gazelle."

"Maybe more like Sasquatch." Jared chuckles because yeah, he might be many things, but a gazelle... not so much.

"My Sasquatch." I smile at him broadly, remembering the many times I called my clumsy, giant of a friend that.

Looking away, Jared sighs sadly. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it... Maybe I shouldn’t show Jared how much I still love him, but I just cannot. It’d be like denying who I am.

"Jen? Can we talk?" He still doesn’t dare look at me and his quiet question is almost muffled by the cushion he has buried his head into.

“Sure.” We actually must. In a way it’s vital that we do, that Jared finally learns what happened while he was sleeping and that we maybe somehow define our relationship now. On my side, I know what I want and need: Jared as my best friend. But after what Jared told me, after that weird dream or whatever of his, I’m not sure if Jared can endure just being friends with me.

Sheet rustling, Jared slowly moves, turning towards me, the paralyzed arm in its brace hindering him a little. “I’m sorry… because of yesterday." Embarrassed, he plays with his lower lip, looking like a little kid who destroyed their mom’s favorite mug. "Didn’t want to be rude. I umm... like it when you hold my hand,” Jared confesses, blushing a little and it’s really sweet, making me all warm and fuzzy. Again. “But I was, still am, so unbelievably confused. It feels… like all my life, my reality came crashing down on me. It’s overwhelming and I’m barely able to handle it."

I’m relieved that Jared confides in me. “Don’t be sorry, Jay. It’s okay. It must have been a hell of a shock. I hate that it was me telling you... Never wanted to hurt you, Jay." I smile at him, want Jared to know that I’d never knowingly do him any harm. "I can’t imagine how you feel, what it means for you... How you’re holding up…”

Shrugging, Jared looks a bit lost. "Don’t know... Just try to manage, I guess."

“You will, Jay." I reach out to rub my hand up and down his shoulder, trying to cheer Jared up a little. "You’re a fighter. Already proved everyone wrong, with waking up, against all odds. Overcoming this here... compared to what you did, it’s nothing." I bet it won’t be easy for my friend, there will be setbacks and stuff but eventually, he’ll come around and overcome all that shit, I know he will.

A weak, sad smile widens his lips a little. “At the moment I wish I hadn’t, Jen," Jared admits sadly. "In my dream… everything seemed so perfect. You and I together… it felt so real. I was living my life’s dream, Jen. We had us. Great jobs. Success. Fantastic friends. We were healthy…. And now, look at me." Jared sniffs, barely holding it together. "I can barely move, can’t even sit up and my arm,” he glances at the thin limb in its shiny new brace disgustedly, “is totally useless and probably will always stay as lifeless and dead as it is now.”

Whatever I say would just be a stupid platitude and has been said countless times before, anyways. It’s nothing that really makes it better or easier for my friend. So I squeeze his shoulder, long but gently, glad to feel the warmth of his body through the thin material of his pajama shirt.

“Want to tell me, Jay?" I ask eventually. "About your dream? What you saw while you were in the coma?”

“Why should I? It wasn’t real. Just a dream.” Exhaling the last three words sadly, Jared shakes his head, looking really defeated and broken.

But I don’t let it go. I want to know, need to know what my best friend lived to see, need the truth to understand Jared. “It seemed real to you, Jay. That makes it important to me. I want to learn about it, about your life in the past years. Just a fair deal, you know... my news for yours." I grin mischievously. "And," I add after a little pause I used to moisten my lips, smiling, "sometimes Jay, dreams can come true.”

“Not this.” Sighing, he shakes his head once more, closing his eyes.

Not pushing my friend any further, I just wait. I’m pretty sure that Jared has already made the decision to share his experiences with me, he probably just needs time to collect his thoughts.

Eventually, Jared starts to tell his tale. It almost sounds like a fairy tale as Jared starts with us getting together and finishing the 6th season of _Supernatural_. Tears in his eyes, he tells me how I proposed to him, describes our wedding in Texas, the honeymoon to the Caribbean, our house. There’s so much detail that it seems to become true, that I can almost see me kissing Jared on our wedding day or me holding his hand while walking barefoot through the sand. He tells me about our careers, the films he shot, the films I shot, about me winning a Golden Globe and how proud he was of me. Even though it sounds so perfect, Jared doesn’t forget to mention the hard times; my dad dying, little fits and a really bad fight about us adopting kids or not. Nevertheless, every sentence and sigh, every sparkle of his eyes or twitch of his lips shows me how happy Jared was in this reality, how happy, how very much in love we were. It not only makes me realize what Jared lost but also what we, what I, lost. Because I’m sure, if things had been different, we could have built a life like that, a strong, happy togetherness.

Cheeks wet with tears, I’m there for Jared, gently wiping them away for him because he still can’t fully lift his arm. Skin warm and soft beneath my fingertips the touch is comfortable and once the last tear is gone, I cup Jared’s cheek with my hand, longing to touch him, to prove to him that I’m here with him, the best friend I’ve ever had. It’s an intimate touch and like so many other things, I maybe shouldn’t do it, but it feels so right and it makes Jared smile, a sign that he doesn’t mind it a bit.

I brush my thumb over his cheekbone a few times before I let go eventually, sharing my twirling thoughts with him. “God Jay... I can’t believe you dreamed all this… because… so many of those things really happened." I massage my temples with my hands, feeling really overwhelmed with what Jared told me... How could he know? "Not the part with you and me," I scrunch my face in apology, "but I shot some of those movies. Dad, he really died." Swallowing hard, I think about the hard time I went through after he passed. "And you know... I won this Golden Globe."

“Wow." He breathes out in awe but I’m not sure if Jared means the award or just everything and I don’t care to ask, it’s not important.

Instead, I let the silence spread between us, comfortable, not awkward and I’m quite sure, like me, Jared wonders what has happened, how something like this can just be. And I think about my reality, my memories, the things that really happened since the fateful accident and I actually wonder who was luckier, me or him, who had had the better life...

“You got married, didn’t you, Jen?” Jared asks eventually, voice very quiet, even slightly trembling.

I hate to break Jared’s heart, but there’s no way to deny it, especially because he seems to know it already. “Yeah… I’m sorry, Jay." I really am. Right now, and not for the first time since Jared woke up, I wonder if I maybe should have waited longer... "I married Danneel, five years ago. For a while, I kept her waiting... I always hoped… you would wake up in time, Jay." Once again I massage my forehead, a gesture that has always helped to calm me down and to focus on something. "I told her I wanted you to be my best man but truth is… Jay ... I always hoped we’d have a chance to be more than friends once you woke up. I wanted it, so badly. But," I sniff a little, "you didn’t wake up and Danneel, she couldn’t understand and got impatient and your prognosis it was... Suddenly, there was this point when I… had to make a decision. I’m sorry Jared, so sorry that I didn’t wait for you to come back.” My hand finds Jared’s, twining with his, holding on tight, just to show him that I mean what I say.

For a while, Jared doesn’t say anything, his eyes a dark brown sea of wetness as slight tremors are running down his still too skinny body. Jared tries to be strong but it’s obvious how hard it is for him, everything in him probably screaming for some relief, for waking up from that nightmare. “Kids?”

Smiling, I think about my little girl. “Yeah. Her name´s Cassandra. It’s unbelievable but... she was born on your birthday last year. That makes the two most important people in my life sharing their birthday... weird coincidence, isn’t it?"

“Congratulations.” Jared squeezes my hand gently. "I hope I can see her one day. Celebrate our birthdays."

I could kiss Jared for his kindness, for being so good to me while his heart must be breaking into tinier and even tinier pieces. "Be sure of it." I smile at Jared broadly, remembering that I can at least show my best friend a photo of my baby girl. "Want to see a pic of her?” I ask, being the proud daddy that I am, showing off my beautiful daughter.

“Course.” Moving my thumb over my cell deftly, I can finally show Jared the most recent photo of Cassie and I; taken in our backyard just a couple of days before Jared woke up.

“Oh Jen," Jared stutters as he looks at the photo closely. "She’s gorgeous. Beautiful, Jen. Just like her daddy. A female mini you."

Cassandra has gotten compliments before. Probably every baby does, being all cute and happy and smiling, but not one has meant as much as Jared’s. Gratefully, I smile at my best friend, squeezing his hand. “Thank you.”

“You shouldn’t be here, Jen!" Jared calls out suddenly, his eyes widening in shock. "You should be with your family.”

“No, don’t worry. It’s fine.” My friend doesn’t have to know that my wife is bitchy and pissed. “I’m exactly where I want to be. You know, Jay, I missed you. Terribly." God, all those chick-flick moments between us. But saying these things, holding Jared’s hand, smiling at him and seeing him smile at me, it feels so right. It’s what my friend needs. And it’s what I need, after enduring almost six years without him.

Smiling gently, Jared squeezes my hand. It’s nothing more than a little pressure but its meaning is obvious. “Sorry Jen … that you had to do without me. Maybe… I was the luckier one. Being unconscious but still, thinking I had a life … you.”

Funny, that Jared shares my thoughts. But my life was real and I didn’t lose six years... so yeah, it is not me who should be sad and sorry, certainly not. “My life wasn’t bad, Jay. Some really good things happened, Cassie on top of the list. It was a roller coaster ride and you already know so much about it…It’s unbelievable, almost spooky, that you incorporated all the things I told you, that some of them were real for you as well." Once more, I shake my head in astonishment. "But maybe…want to hear the truth? Like everything?"

“Yeah. Tell me about reality.”

And I do. I tell him how life has been treating me these past six years, about the films I shot, about my life with Danneel, about our friends and my family. He listens eagerly, even asks a question once in a while, but I also notice that he is getting more and more tired and while I tell him about Cassie’s birth, he falls asleep. I’m not mad; I know he is just exhausted, and unbelievably sad, his hope probably having finally died today. Like I did the past six years I watch Jared sleep. Nowadays though it’s different, lighter and a bit livelier, with an occasional flutter of his lids, a little snore or a barely recognizable movement.

Still holding Jared’s hand, I gently brush my fingers over it, feeling pure happiness as Jared’s hand twitches slightly in my own. God, I’m still so much in love with him... It’s weird and confusing, because I love Danneel too, but with Jared it’s different, stronger and purer. It makes my heart beat faster and my head spin but at the same time, it also makes me sick, because there is no remedy for it, simply nothing I can do.

This night though, I’m all Jared’s and the love that washes over me is one of the strongest emotions ever. Not sure if I will ever feel it again, I lock it in my heart, deep down into the part that will always belong to Jared.

**

Two days later, I return to LA. Not because I want to, I honestly hate to leave Jared, but because he insists. Face calm, Jared simply tells me that my place is with my wife and daughter, not with him. Promising to do his best, to be strong and to be better, he swears that he will be alright without me. In return, I promise Jared to visit him as soon as possible and make him promise to call me whenever he needs someone to talk to.

Leaving is unbearably hard. There’s not much to say so I press a soft kiss to Jared’s cheek, my lips lingering there inappropriately long and let my fingers tenderly run through the stubble on his head that grow longer every day. My eyes are burning with tears and my heart feels heavy. I have to turn away before I lose it right then and there, leaving my best friend’s room with a last choked “Bye."

Only once I’m sitting in my rental car do I let go, crying for God knows what. It’s heavy but short, sniffs and sobs, snot and swearing, rubbing eyes and hugging myself, but once it’s over I feel better, having soothed myself with the knowledge that Jared is here with me, still my best friend.

**

Danneel isn’t happy with me. The first sign is that she doesn’t wait for me at the airport, having sent Chris to pick me up instead. I know that the quarrel is just postponed and only shrug once Chris tries to explain why she couldn’t come herself. In a way, I’m actually glad that it’s him and not her. As one of my oldest and best friends, I can tell Christian everything, trust him completely and that’s what I do.

Some country music is playing on the stereo while I look out of the window and confide in my buddy. I not only tell him about Jared’s condition and his dream but also confess to Chris that we kissed back then. Finally having finished, my pink face staring back at me from the slightly reflecting window, Chris laughs out loud.

“Dude," he giggles, "I always knew you two fell for each other." Grinning broadly, his smile freezes in an instant as he sees my pained face. It’s not that I mind Chris laughing at me, I deserve it but nevertheless, I can’t laugh about the situation myself. “What are you going to do, Jen?” He chances a quick glance at me before he concentrates on the traffic again.

“Don’t know." I sigh and shrug. "Nothing I guess. I love him, I really do." Not caring if I sound like a girl, telling Chris something he can hold for ransom over me for the rest of my life, I just tell him how it is. "But... I can’t leave Danni... Cassie even less. I love them as much. And they need me.”

“Jared needs you, too.” It’s not a question but a statement and I wonder how Christian knows when he barely knows Jared. Sure, they met but they never were close, mostly it was Jared in Vancouver and my other buddies here in LA and it astounds me that Chris knows when I didn’t mention much of Jared’s feelings.

“Yeah. I know he does. But Jared’s strong. He’ll learn to handle it. And I’m still his friend.”

“A friendship’s not a romantic relationship, Jensen," Chris says neutrally as he stops at a red light.

“Right." I absolutely agree. A friendship can be wonderful, special and full of love but well, it isn’t the same. "But I can’t give him anything else.” I hate the sound of my voice, almost indifferent, like I don’t care. The problem is, I do, much more than I should and what I say now, these almost harsh words... it’s my way to handle that I really can’t change the way things are. I simply can’t leave my family for my best friend, no matter how much I love and adore Jared.

Silence stretches between us and once I throw a quick glance over, Christian’s face is thoughtful, eyes riveted on the road. “Jen," the older man sighs eventually, "maybe this isn’t about what Danni, Cassie or Jared need. Or about what you can or can’t give. Maybe this should be about what _you_ need. And what _you_ want. Don’t think about your obligations or what you might owe someone. Maybe, just this once in your life, buddy, you should be selfish. Decide what _you_ want. _Who_ you want.”

Dumbstruck, I really don’t know what to say... Is Chris advising me to leave my wife and kid? Another look at him doesn’t help much because his face is a mask of neutrality and that’s when I notice that he turned left onto our street, rolling the car into a halt.I ask Chris to come in but he shakes his head, claiming that he doesn’t want to spoil the young family’s reunion. Even though I doubt it will be a loving one, I don’t say anything about it, just hug Chris short but tight, thanks for so much more than the ride back home.

**

The second sign that Danneel is not happy with me is the simple fact that she isn’t at home. There’s just Melissa, our nanny, watching over Cassie sleeping in her cradle while sorting baby clothes in the cupboards and tidying up the many toys scattered over the floor.

I sit down at my daughter’s side and give Melissa the afternoon off. Reverently, I watch Cassie sleep, her tiny hands clenched into fists. She’ll be 15 months in a couple of days, grew again in the 3 weeks I didn’t see her and sleeping peacefully like this, Cassie looks like the angel she sometimes is when she’s awake. Seeing my baby girl again, watching her sleep, her little chest rising and falling, is a very peaceful sight that helps me to calm down and settle my thoughts.

**

The third and most obvious sign that my wife isn’t happy with me is the way she treats me when she finally comes home in the late evening. There’s no hug, no welcome home kiss, just a cold “hi” and not even a question asking how Jared is. That hurts me more than anything else because even though Danneel was always a bit jealous, Jared always treated her kindly and it was just polite to ask how he is. Not showing what I think of her behavior, I nevertheless apologize for not coming home earlier. Danneel nods curtly and goes to bed without saying anything else, leaving the atmosphere between us as cold as her greeting.

When I follow her half an hour later, Danneel thankfully is asleep. Suffering from insomnia, I can’t find any sleep for a long time, even though the flight and the hard goodbye drained me. Listening to Danneel’s soft, deep breathing I contemplate about what Chris advised, thinking about what I want and who I need.

**

The next three weeks pass in what seems like a glimpse of an eye. Making up some of the appointments I missed, I’m busy with giving interviews about my next movie and several meetings with its producers.

The mood between Danneel and me still isn’t the best. I try to make it up to her, invite my wife out for dinner to her favorite restaurants, showering her with huge bouquets of flowers, exquisite clothes or stunningly beautiful jewelry. Awwing and Ohhhing, she gratefully accepts the gifts, becoming friendlier and warmer towards me, but although we’re not mentioning Jared and my absence, I’m not sure if everything is really okay between us. Sometimes, Danneel still seems kind of hurt and as lost in thought as I am.

There’s bound to be trouble, but I made Jared a promise, to visit him again as soon as I can and one day in early October, when I’m facing a couple of free days before work starts again, I inform Danneel that I’m flying to Texas and will be gone until shooting starts. Like expected, her smile drops and her eyes look less warm and attentive but on the other hand, Danneel surprises me with not throwing a tantrum like she sometimes does when she is particularly angry. Shrugging, she refuses my offer to come with me, without giving me a reason why, her face now an unreadable mask of neutrality.

In the days left before I go, Danneel even seems overly friendly and talkative and when I leave, she even asks me to say hello to Jared, giving me a tight hug and a sweet kiss.

**

Megan picks me up from the airport in San Antonio. Babbling like a waterfall, she tells me enthusiastically how much Jared has improved, getting better every day, being in a good mood. Everyone seems a little surprised about this and to be honest, I am as well. Of course, Jared always was a goofy, happy and incredibly loud man, a kid in a 6.4" meat suit, but I still thought that Jared would brood too much over what happened and curse his fate. That he doesn’t, that he already found a bit of his happiness and his old self again is the best news I could have hoped for.

Voices are booming over from behind the closed door, one conspicuously sounding like my own and I knock loud enough for my buddy to hear it before I enter Jared’s room. It looks far more like a home than a month ago. There are plants and fresh flowers, books and photo albums and a pile of DVDs. Most importantly though, there’s Jared, sitting upright in his bed, watching, like I feared, one of my movies.

Smiling broadly, I step closer, unusually unsure how I should welcome my friend? Clap on the shoulder? Kiss on the cheek? Hug? In the end, I decide for doing nothing, just standing there a little awkwardly, saying, “Hey Jay.” Glancing at the TV screen, scrunching my face, I beg him with my most determined puppy eyes, “Can you please turn it off? You know I hate to see me on TV.”

His loud laugh turns into a gigantic smile. “Hi Jen. You know, it’s not bad. You’ve always been too self-critical. Actually, it’s a good movie and your acting is awesome. You came a long way since masterpieces like _My Bloody Valentine_ or _Ten Inch Hero,_ " Jared grins boldly, teasing me. "You really should have won the Golden Globe for this one too. But... Having the real Jensen’s much better than watching you on TV."

Face heating up a little, I whisper an embarrassed, “Thanks” as I sit down on the visitor armchair. How much I missed it...

“Don’t I get a welcome-hug?" Jared asks me hopefully, puppy eyes in full force

Grinning, being really relieved that Jared asks for it, I’m with my best friend in an instant, pulling Jared into a strong hug. Finally. It’s so much better from when I crawled into bed with him a couple of weeks ago to sooth him because this time, Jared’s one mobile arm sneaks around me, hugging me back as hard as he can. It’s so good to feel Jared in my arms again, his steady heartbeat against my chest, his head on my shoulder, cocooning me with his warmth.

“Missed you,” he whispers into my ear, breath tickling my neck and my chest tightens in the same moment, as butterflies in my belly start to dance because I missed Jared too. So much. Only now that I’m with him again do I realize how hard the past four weeks were, not having anyone to talk to about Jared apart from Chris and my mom on the phone, not seeing with my own eyes how my friend is improving.

Eventually, Jared pulls away. Smiling happily, I can see that Megan was right, that my best friend is indeed so much better than when I left him. Jared’s face, not quite so pale any longer, is more shaped now, cheeks fuller, lips redder. Even though I could feel Jared’s spine beneath my hand he obviously gained weight and most importantly, my friend is so much stronger today, able to sit up, able to move his arm.

“You’re looking good, Jay.” Smiling, I reach out, letting my hand run over his spiked hair. It’s as thick and soft as I always thought it would be. Blushing, Jared just laughs as he sees me, taking my hand away from his head, squeezing it softly.

“Thanks for coming." He puts a sweet little kiss on my hand before he lets go and I’m blushing even more, wondering if he knows that I always kissed his hand while he was sleeping. "I’m getting better every day. Apart from this.” A sad glance at his arm that is securely wrapped in its brace confirms that he is talking about his handicap. “Doctor said it won’t get better.”

“I’m sorry, Jay.” I touch the lifeless fingers gently. I know Jared doesn’t feel it, but he sees it, sees that the useless limb is still a part of him, a part I love as much as the rest.

“Yeah well, can’t change it. And I suppose I’m lucky. I mean, my mom told me about the accident. And she also said that… that it was looking really bad for me, and that no one expected me to ever wake up from the coma. So, maybe, losing the mobility of my arm is a small price to pay.”

Knowing all these things, I’m unsure what to answer, because there is not much I can offer, apart from stupid platitudes. So I keep my mouth shut, just looking at Jared kindly, holding on to his paralyzed arm.

“Sorry, Jen. I’m sure you didn’t come over to hear me mourn my life.”

“Bullshit, Jay," I object, letting go of his hand, placing it on his shoulder instead where he can feel my touch. "That’s fine. You’ve every right to be a bit down from time to time.”

He shrugs. “Maybe. But I don’t want to. Not when you’re here." Jared’s lips part into a wide, dimpled smile. "Not when the sun’s shining outside and I woke in such high spirits. You know, Jen, this," now Jared sounds very serious, "is like a second chance, a second life for me. It’s not that my first life was bad, it was good, in so many ways, but maybe I can do it better now."

I squeeze his shoulder gently, encouraging my friend. "Sure you can, Jay. If you want to, you can do anything."

"I hope you’re right," Jared sighs.

"Sure I am." I grin broadly. "I’m the oldest and therefore the wisest. I’m always right, my friend."

"You wish" Jared laughs, grinning as wide as I am.

"Want to go outside?" I suggest, remembering what Jared said before, about the sun shining and it really is a most wonderful, bright and clear autumn day.

“Love to. But go I can’t. I only manage to stand up for about ten seconds and that’s hard enough. But there,” I follow his hand, pointing to a corner “is my wonderful ride. Great invention, wheelchairs.” Jared’s tone changed a little, from teasing and good-humored to a little bitter. I can’t blame him. Being always so full of energy, Jared must hate it being dependent on things or people to help him.

Taking his healthy hand in mine I squeeze it encouragingly. “It’ll get better, Jay. You’ve already come a long way.”

I fetch the wheelchair and put it right next to the bed so that Jared just has to sit down after he managed to stand up. I wait for him to get ready, to collect his strength or whatever, holding out a helping hand.

“There’s something else, Jen.” Jared adds, looking kind of embarrassed. ”I can’t go outside just wearing a tee.” Right, he can’t. We might be in Texas and the sun is shining, but nevertheless is it cool today, even for a furnace like Jared, especially if said furnace doesn’t move much himself.

"Sure, don’t worry about that." Dressing my little daughter, I really don’t have any problems in helping to dress my sick friend. I get Jared a warm sweater and help him in it. It isn’t easy to get the paralyzed arm into the sleeve but after a few tries and lots more giggles and curses from both of us it’s done. Then I help Jared to get up, assisting him with a strong hand against his back.

Nevertheless, it takes my friend a lot of effort and when he’s finally sitting in the wheelchair he’s breathing hard, sweat glistening on his forehead. I tenderly wipe it away with a towel and tuck Jared in afterward, making sure his huge feet are clad with extra thick socks and that his long, skinny legs are wrapped into the warmest blanket I could find.

“Want to go somewhere specific, Jay?” I ask as I push the wheelchair along the aisle to the elevator.

“Pond would be nice. I like it there."

"So, Pond is it."

Two minutes later, I push the wheelchair over the graveled paths and although it really is a bit chilly it’s beautiful outside, golden leaves rustling in the wind, air fresh and sun shining brightly on my skin. And Jared is with me. God, how immensely happy and grateful I am to have my best friend back at last, to be with him, to hear his voice and his laugh.

“Thanks, Jen,” Jared says eventually after a long stretch of comfortable silence between us.

“Mmm?" I don’t really know what my friend is referring to and whatever it is, it’s not worth mentioning because everything I do for Jared is done gladly.

“For this. My dad told me you’re paying for all this." Jared turns his head enough to look at me and I can’t tell if he is embarrassed or touched. "You shouldn’t have.”

“It’s nothing. Really, Jay. I’m glad I could do something for you.”

“It’s more than nothing, Jen. It must cost a fortune.” He bites his lips, now clearly ashamed.

“Listen Jay." I move around the wheelchair, kneeling in front of my friend, taking both his hands in mine. "Really, don’t worry, it’s fine. It was gladly given, the best investment in my whole life." Playing with Jared’s fingers, I squeeze them gently. "They took such good care of you while you were sleeping. Now you’re finally back with us, they are still taking good care of you, helping you to get better, with all the therapy and training. That’s worth all the money in the world. Okay?"

Emotion visible in the play of Jared’s features, he nods, squeezing my hand and regretfully I let go, silently pushing the wheelchair further down the path until we arrive at the pond. Jared is right, it’s a lovely place, peaceful and quiet and thankfully, we’re alone, I’ve been here before, on that day I cried my heart out, but back then I didn’t take in the beautiful scenery. It’s a huge pond, with willows fringing most of the waterside, water lilies dancing on the surface and reed growing in the shallow water near the shore. Stopping at a bench, I sit down there after I’ve made sure that Jared’s wheelchair is secured, enjoying the sun on my closed eyes.

Eventually, Jared takes my hand, squeezing it gently. “Jen, you’re a good friend. The best I’ve ever had.”

There’s nothing I can say to that and I don’t open my eyes either. Instead I return the squeeze, letting our fingers twine and, lost in our respective thoughts, we’re sitting silently together, holding hands, cherishing this moment, being close, being reunited, even if it’s only for a while.

Eventually Jared asks me to tell him what I’ve been up to.

Opening my eyes, gesturing expressively, I tell him about the interviews for my new project, about my friends and daughter, but don’t mention Danneel with one word.

“Danneel was pissed that you stayed so long, wasn’t she?”

How does he know? “Emm… she wasn’t happy. But we’re good now, so don’t worry about this, Jay. She always was a little jealous that we got on so well, spent so much time together. Honestly… sometimes I even suspected she wasn’t too sad about what happened to you. It wasn’t out of malice but she didn’t like to share and when you were gone, she didn’t have to share me with you any longer. Now, you’re back and she has to cope with it. But she will learn. I love her. But I also love you and I would never abandon you. So if that’s what you fear - just don’t. I’ll always be your friend, Jay."

Not answering, Jared conveys what he feels with a squeeze and a slight rub of his thumb against my hand and once more we fall into that silence where we are so comfortable with each other that we just don’t need to say anything.

**

This time, I can only stay a couple of days before shooting starts, and the few days pass by much too soon. My plane luckily only leaves in the evening, so that last day, I still have some hours left to spend with Jared.

There’s something I need to know, something that has been bothering me for a while, the question spinning around in my head over and over again, but I haven’t asked Jared yet. Those last days, we only spoke about me, the past or old friends, barely about Jared himself. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about himself or his future, but getting better every day, sooner or later Jared will be completely mobile again, without the need for help and care anymore. Once more we sit outside in the park, this time under a huge old oak and I just confide in Jared, telling him that I’m thinking about taking a longer break in acting. My last words just faded away and I’m not sure if I even should expect a reply and as Jared just smiles at me without saying a thing, silence once more spreads between us. It still awes me, that wordless understanding between Jared and I, that smile that means that he’s got my back, will support me no matter what.

It’s the best chance to finally find out what’s been nagging on me for a while. “Jay, can I ask you something?”

“Sure. Fire away.”

“Well… you’re getting better every day. Eventually, the day will come when you can take care for yourself, finally leaving this place. Ever thought about what you want to do? Where you want to live?” Looking at Jared expectantly, watching the play of emotions in his features, I’m glad the question is finally out.

Sighing, Jared mumbles eventually. “Was wondering when you’d ask, Jen.”

Shit... Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut; I certainly didn’t want to upset Jared. “Sorry Jay. If that’s something you don’t want to talk about, that’s okay.”

Looking sad, Jared shakes his head. “Nah, it’s fine. It’s just... I’m a bit clueless here," he breathes out in frustration. "Not sure whether my stupid arm’s going to limit me in the things I might want to do. I’d like to go back to acting but I doubt anyone needs a cripple in front of the camera.” Bitterness and sadness oozes from every word like blood drips from a wound. “So I bet that’s out of the question... it’s the only thing I’ve ever learned, maybe the only thing I’m good at. I don’t know... maybe I’d go to college and, don’t know... follow my mom’s footsteps and become a teacher... Or an accountant or something else boring." He sighs again. "I’m really not sure yet, Jensen."

It’s more or less the answer I expected but now that it’s out and Jared told me, I’m glad I did ask. Jared needs a goal in life, something worth living for and he can only be completely happy again if he finds that, if he knows what he’ll do once he has fully recovered. “You’ll find out, Jay, I’m sure. And I’m quite sure you have many more talents than acting, certainly are destined for something more exciting than being an accountant." Encouragingly, I grin at my best friend because the image of Jared as an accountant... no, certainly not, that’s not for my bouncy best friend. "And if you like… I can ask my agent. She might have some ideas.” I’d do anything for Jared to make it back to acting, am sure that he could still be the good actor he was, no matter if he is restricted or not, but honestly, I doubt she can help him. Six years might have passed, but Jared is unfortunately right. Hollywood normally only wants actors who are healthy, whole and beautiful. It’s the biggest shame ever, something that should change, but at the moment, it’s not a business for minorities.

“Never mind, Jen." Jared squeezes my hand. "We both know how it is. As long as I don’t produce some movie on my own, I’ll surely never make one again."

Smiling sadly, Jared changes the subject, trying hard not to show his worries. I know though that it’s weighing heavily on his mind and I wish I could help him, already searching my mind for something, anything I could do to help Jared find out what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Then, much too soon, it’s time for me to go. Not sure when I’ll see Jared again, I hug him goodbye, long and tight, brushing my lips over his cheek, feeling his smile widening against my face. A promise to call each other, some words of goodbye and a wave later I’m out of the room. Eyes burning with tears, I struggle to hold them down, fearing that if I let go now they will drown me in all those emotions that are boiling inside me.

##  **2016**

On a cloudy day towards the end of January Jared is finally leaving the nursing home. I accompany his parents to pick my best friend up, want to thank each nurse, every doctor and every therapist for taking such good care of Jared, helping him back into life. Even more, I want to make sure that Jared settles well into his new life, into his new apartment only a few streets away from where his parents live.

Seemingly worried and unsure, almost frightened of the world outside, Jared is very quiet as we finally leave the place Jared called home for the last years, every one of us carrying a bag with all the things he’s collected in the few months since he woke up.

I watch Jared’s distracted, thoughtful face while Gerry drives the family car back to their place, putting my hand on his thigh, squeezing gently. “You’ll be alright, Jay. We’re all here to help. Your new apartment is really nice and before you move in, you’ll stay with your parents for a while, to adjust. Everything’s going to be all right, man. I promise."

He exhales loudly and it almost sounds like a little chuckle. “Yeah, I know. My folks... you... just awesome. Don’t know what I’d be doing without you, Jen. Thanks for being here.”

"Don’t mention it, Jay. That’s what friends are for." Smiling broadly, I don’t expect, don’t even need an answer. We both know, if things were the other way round, if it had been me, Jared would have done exactly the same things. “What’s the first thing you want to do, now that you are free to go anywhere?” I steer our conversation to something less emotionally heavy.

Jared shrugs. “Meeting old friends I suppose.” It’s not that they didn’t want to visit Jared, they all wanted to. But being so weak and broken, Jared didn’t want them to, too embarrassed about how helpless he was. Once more it makes me realize how happy I was for Jared trusting me so much.

“Good for you.” Hiding my grin I think about the surprise party at his parents’ place and of all of Jared’s friends waiting for him. Even Chris and Steve came, agreeing at once to be there once I told them. I really can’t wait to see Jared’s face, seeing all his friends assembled in one place, to welcome him home after such a long time.

**

Twenty minutes later I see Jared’s face, beaming with pure joy at the sight of so many old friends cheering "Surprise" and "Welcome home". Jim and Misha are here, Sandy, Tom and Mike, Chris and Steve and of course there’s Chad and a few old buddies from school. Jared is over the moon, hugging everyone as hard as he can, laughing, talking, yelling, giggling. He’s so full of life and joy and no one who doesn’t know it would have thought that half a year ago, Jared was comatose and that three months ago, he could barely move.

Even though it’s cold outside, Jared’s brother prepared the most delicious BBQ and his sister must have spent hours in the kitchen, making salads, cakes and ice cream. Being busy talking to everyone, Jared barely spends time with me, but more than once he looks over to where I’m sitting with Chris and Steve, lips smiling broadly, eyes shining brightly.

When the first guests leave, Jared finally comes to sit with me, body pressed tightly against my own. The chatter meanwhile is quieter, and the long, exhausting and emotionally draining day takes its toll, and Jared falls asleep with his head on my shoulder. Putting my arm around his body, I hold him as tightly and securely as I can and Chris looks at me knowingly, a sad but still somewhat encouraging smile on his face. Quiet words of goodbye on their lips, the last remaining guests leave, not wanting to wake Jared. For a long time, I stay like I am, my best friend sleeping in my arm, head awkwardly pressed against my chest, against my heart. Ignoring Jared’s folks cleaning the remains of the party away in the background, not really minding what they think about this, I watch my friend sleep, gently caressing his neck, his scalp.

Eventually, I notice how tired I am myself and, suppressing a loud yawn, I carefully let go of Jared. I move him gently to the couch, make sure that his head rests on a soft pillow and that his tall body is covered with the warmest and longest blanket I can find.

Sleeping so peacefully, Jared looks happy and satisfied and I just hope he can cope with the future that’s lying ahead, whatever it will be like. I press my lips to his temple and whisper a barely audible “love you” into his ear, because that’s what I feel and always will.

**

The next day Jared’s friends come over for brunch. Sherri prepared lots of food, tiny portions so that Jared doesn’t need help cutting the things on his plate, something that frustrates and embarrasses him greatly. Once more we have a great time and the time when their flight back to LA is scheduled comes too soon.

Waving them goodbye, Jared asks me once the last rental car vanished from our sight. "How long are you going to say, Jen?"

“As long as you want me to." The little flame of hope in Jared’s eyes suddenly seems to burn bright like a fire and his dimpled smile makes me all warm and fuzzy. “I told my agent that I’m going on an extended hiatus for six months. I want to see Cassie growing up, spend some time with my folks and with you.”

“Wow... Jen," Jared mumbles, at a loss for any other coherent words. "Doesn’t Danni mind if you stay?”

Shrugging nonchalantly, I admit. “Yep, she does. But I was quite clear when I left. Told Danneel she has to learn that it’s not all about her, that there are other people in my life who are important to me, not only her and my baby. I hope she copes but if she doesn’t…. time will tell how my life goes on."

"Wow..." Jared stutters. "Don’t know..."

"Then don’t." I interrupt my friend. "Six years were almost only about Danneel. It’s time that my life turns around someone else again, next to her. And I really want this, helping you start your new life. Now, come on back in." I add when Jared just stares at me. "I could use some more of these delicious finger food thingies."

**

“I’m bored,” Jared whines. It’s Saturday evening and Jared has been in a bad mood for some days now, feeling a little downhearted and not able to decide what he wants to do. As soon as he starts something he changes his mind but can’t really think about anything else to do.

We, that means his parents and I, are honestly annoyed with him. I understand that life is not that easy for him with his handicap, that there are some things he can’t do anymore, like properly playing basketball or his old, beloved PS2 games. Even reading is hard enough with holding the book and turning the pages all with just one hand, but at the moment it looks like Jared doesn’t even try. Sometimes I’d like to shake him hard and beat a bit of sense and will back into my friend. Of course, I don’t, but try to be patient and understanding. Sighing, I look up from the book I am reading. “What do you want to do?”

Jared shrugs, grumbling uninspired. “Don’t know.”

“Right. If you don’t know what you want to do, I can’t help you, Jared." I know I sound pissed, harsher and harder than I intended to but I force back the guilt already bubbling inside me, attending to my book once again.

Jared leaves the room, throwing an upset, cold glance at me, and goes to the backyard to play with his dogs. Six years ago, that would have been a great idea but the thing is, nowadays Harley and Sadie are old and lazy, sleeping and drooling most of the time, not really a great, entertaining way to spend your time anymore. Hence it doesn’t surprise me that Jared returns less than ten minutes later, sighing sadly. “They were better in my dream.” He sits down next to me again, close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body seeping into mine, and smell the cool February air in his clothes.

“Huh?”

“Harley and Sadie. I can’t believe how old they got…” Swallowing hard, his face a mask of pain and sadness, Jared’s eyes are suddenly swimming in tears.

I put my book away and turn towards my friend, nudging him gently. “Hey. They had a great life.”

“Yeah, probably." Jared sniffs. "Know I should be grateful to see them again. But… Jensen..." Suddenly my friend trembles violently and a hard sob tears the silence in the room apart. "Only now I realize what I lost. More than five years of my life… Missed your wedding, my sister’s wedding. Her becoming a mom... you becoming a dad. Lost so much... the mobility of my arm. My fiancee and my job. Worst of all, Jen, I lost you, the reality I believed in. I just lost everything. Why did this happen to me?” In frustration and anger Jared screams out this stupid question no one can answer, finally breaking down in tears. Sobbing, panting, sniffing with full on tears and snot, Jared is desperately crying for all he has lost. I’m glad he does. He might have acted like he was okay but I never did really buy it, always guessed that it was weighing much heavier on Jared’s mind than he made us believe. Hoping that Jared will be better if he lets it all out, I encourage him to let go. Holding him tightly, I let my hand run soothingly through his soft hair, once in a while kissing his temple or brushing some of his hot tears away. Once again, we speak without words; his miserable and pathetic sobs finally tell me all I need to know, and my soft touches tell Jared that he isn’t alone, that I’m here with him, not only now, but always and forever.

After long, sad minutes, Jared’s breathing calms down a bit and eventually he pulls away, face red and wet, eyes puffy. “Sorry,” he mumbles, the blush of embarrassment barely to be seen beneath his swollen face.

“Nah, don’t be silly, Jay." An energetic gesture wipes my friend’s worries away. "It was good you finally let it out. Really, nothing to be ashamed of. I’m just glad you weren’t alone, glad I was with you, maybe helped a little."

A weak smile brightens Jared’s tear stained features. "You did. And it was good, having you with me. It always is."

**

Two days later I slide a thin, brown envelope over the generously laden breakfast table.

Brows furrowed questioningly, Jared looks at it like it might jump at him every second. “What’s this?” he asks curiously, touching it carefully.

His skepticism makes me laugh. “Open it and you’ll see." Seeing Jared still eyeing it suspiciously, I add cheekily. "Don’t worry. It won’t bite."

That’s obviously the invitation Jared was waiting for and my friend rips the envelope open. It isn’t that easy with just one hand but he manages it well enough, pressing his paralyzed arm against the envelope, tearing it open with his left index finger. Once that is done, does Jared extricate one single page from the envelope. Having unfolded it, he looks at it in disbelief, eyes growing wider and wider, until I fear they might pop out of Jared’s head. “A reservation? For a flight and hotel? In Hawaii? For us?!” He asks, just to be sure, because the data on the confirmation are more than clear enough, with Jared’s and my name printed on it.

“Surprise." I grin broadly. "Remembered we always talked about going on vacation together once _Supernatural_ was done, without our girls?" Jared nods in confirmation, smiling slightly, maybe remembering the night we promised each other that we’d go on that journey together, just him and I. "We never could do it because… well, because of the accident so I thought you might like to do it now. A little change of scenery... good food, sun, a beach and the ocean. Something nice for us to share, you know, another memory for us." I force myself to stop babbling before I get too melancholic.

Looking a little strange, I’m actually uncertain if he is really happy about my gift. Maybe it’s too much for him, spending a week with me on a tiny island, after all the things Jared thought had happened. “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to… I can cancel everything.” I add eventually, the air between us sparkling with pleasant expectation.

“Oh no, Jen!" Jared calls out in shocked apology. "It’s awesome. I’m just… blown away I think. Really don’t know what to say. Can’t believe you remember it. And that," he stutters, biting his lower lip in a futile attempt to hide his emotion, "that you want to do it. With things being as they are…”

“Sure I want to,” I assure Jared, feeling strangely upset that he’s reacting unsure like that. Maybe that’s the little things the accident changed in my friend after all. "There’s nowhere I’d rather be, man."

Finally Jared’s lips part, showing this huge, beautiful smile, dimples deep. “Thanks,” he whispers, rising from his chair, moving over to mine and pecking my cheek gently. His lips are gone so fast but still, my skin burns where they touched my face and a warm, wonderful feeling remains in my belly.

“You’re welcome." I brush it away because it’s as much a gift for myself as it is for Jared. "And it’s more an apartment. Luxury resort, huge area, several pools, a long private beach." I start to describe it, making Jared’s mouth water. "We’ll be on our own, will even have a small private pool and don’t have to use any of the restaurants if you don’t want to.”

“Sounds awesome." Jared grins enthusiastically. As he glances at the paper in his hands again he notices that our flight is leaving tomorrow. "Tomorrow." Jared’s smile disappears. "But... what about."

I laugh, knowing exactly what Jared is afraid of. "Don’t worry about your therapy. I talked to Jake. You can come today.”

“Oh." Now Jared smiles again, maybe even brighter, happier than before. "Great. Thanks Jen!"

Jared still gets treatment for his arm. Even though Dr. Brown said it’s unlikely that it will get better, Jared hasn’t really given up yet and decided to carry on with therapy for a while. Twice a week, he now goes over to a young therapist called Jake. He does not only try to stimulate the nerves but also helps Jared to overcome the obstacles induced by his handicap and it really helps Jared to handle everything better, making it a little easier for him.

**

Hawaii is beautiful. The resort I picked is on the island of Kaua’i, which isn’t overly crowded with tourists as some of the other islands are. The landscape is breathtaking and not even the mild rain that is falling down every day for a couple of minutes bothers us.

Most importantly though, Jared really enjoys himself. He splashes in the little pool that belongs to our apartment, even managing to swim a few one armed strokes. Sun-bathing almost all the time, he gets a healthy tan and in contrast to San Antonio, where he was sort of depressed recently, Jared laughs and smiles almost constantly. Thanks to the delicious food that is brought right into our living room, my friend gains some more weight and every day our walks along the beach or into the nearby mountains become a little longer and Jared is getting stronger.

**

It’s evening and once more rain is falling down in thin, long drops. The island is one of the most rain-laden places of the world but it’s a warm rain and so we don’t really mind. I’m sitting on the patio, reading a book while Jared is inside, taking a shower after spending hours in the pool.

When he comes back a fresh, fruity scent encases him. “God Jay, you smell like a whore house.” Laughing, I put my book away, looking up at him, exaggeratedly scrunching my nose.

“What?" Jared asks outraged though not able to hide the laughter in his voice. "Don’t you like my shower gel?”

“Generally I do." I grin sassily. "But I think you used half the bottle. That’s really intensive.”

"Sorry," he giggles, without really meaning it and I join in, just glad that the fresh rain-scented air washes the intensive fragrance of Jared’s sweet shower gel away.

“What do you want to do tonight?” I ask, patting the space next to me, inviting Jared to join me on the huge outside sofa.

Sighing, he sits down there, encasing me once more with a cloud of perfumed shower gel, snuggling deep into the cushions. “As the weather is like it is… how about watching TV?”

“Sure. Anything worthwhile to watch?”

“Emm… about that. One of your movies is on..." Ignoring my groan, Jared babbles on. "Yeah, I know you don’t like watching yourself but I haven’t seen it yet.... and you know, I promised myself to watch all of your movies. So, if you don’t mind." Now Jared’s puppy eyes strike me with their full strength, "I’d love to.”

As if I could refuse Jared anything when he’s looking at me like this. Sighing, the decision more or less already made, I ask nevertheless, just to be prepared. “Which one is it?”

“ _Remember me_.” Jared grins, blinking at me several times, making a kissy face.

“Oh God." I still curse my agent for ever coaxing me into reading for that role and myself for being stupid enough to take it. "It’s a romance, Jay." I groan again, scrunching my face in disgust. "Do you really want to see me in a romance?”

Jared smiles sweetly, almost too sweetly for my liking. “Yeah, why not? It was the only one you ever did.”

Giggling, I retort. “Well, ever wonder why?”

“Please…” Once again, Jared deploys his puppy eyes and I curse myself for never having learned to resist them.

“Okay." Groaning once again, I give in. "But," I poke my finger against Jared’s chest, feeling the warmth radiating through the soft cloth, "don’t say I haven’t warned you when you puke all over the carpet because of the dumb story.”

“Why did you take the role, then?” Jared asks intrigued, looking at me expectantly.

“Well, I was young and needed the money." I laugh and Jared joins in, his laughter much louder than mine, booming over our little place, louder than the rain and the waves kissing the beach. “Nah, not really. It was the second movie after _Supernatural_. I wasn’t really well known and back then, producers weren’t exactly lining up to work with me. Films like this can be a hit, especially with such a famous co-star so…well. My agent wanted me to do it and Danneel and my folks encouraged me, so I accepted the role. The film really might not be good but shooting was fun."

**

Thighs touching we’re sitting on the sofa ten minutes later, drinks, chips and popcorn in front of us. It’s almost like it used to be all the many times back in Vancouver, just the surroundings and the film is different. We’re not even half an hour into the movie when Jared sighs, “I like the movie. It’s sweet.”

Laughing, I shake my head, pinching Jared slightly in his waist. “Jay, when did you become such a girl?”

Not laughing himself, Jared swallows hard, looking unusually serious and honest. “Since I dreamed about this kind of romance, this kind of perfect love and life.” Blushing deeply, he looks very sad, turning his head away as far as he can.

Maybe he doesn’t want me to see the tears that I’m sure are clouding his eyes. Jared really became a girl, never has been so teary before the coma, but I can’t blame him, not when he went through so much shit. What Jared has to cope with is immense and I think he has all the right in the world to cry, that not being a sign of weakness, but of strength. If that helps to heal what broke inside eventually, Jared can cry as much as he wants to.

It’s the first time since that day in September that Jared mentions the life he had in his dream, the life with me. But as much as he hasn’t forgotten about it, I haven’t either. How could I, when Jared dreamed about something a part of me had hoped for as well? I switch on the mute button to silence the dumb dialogue; the only sound that disturbs the otherwise quietness is the soft splatter of the rain dripping against the leaves and stones outside. Turning towards my friend, I reach out to touch Jared’s cheek and I’m not surprised, when I feel the wetness on the soft skin as silent tears are trailing down my best friend’s face. “Hey Jay. Look at me.”

Unbelievably slowly, Jared turns his head, expression all lonely and miserable, moist eyes and tightly compressed lips making my heart ache.

What I tell Jared now is very important so I put all my affection for him into each word, making it as genuine as possible. “Jay, this can’t be easy for you. It isn’t for me, either. My feelings haven’t changed a bit. I’m still as much in love with you as on the day we kissed." If this confession makes me the biggest girl ever - so be it. "But Jay, as much as I’d like… I just can’t give you what you seek. I’m sorry.” I really am, probably more sorry about anything else I’ve ever been. Not only for Jared, but for myself as well because it’s both our happiness I deny.

Wiping his tears away with his good hand, my friend smiles gratefully, almost bravely. “Yeah. I know that, Jen. You show me all the time, are so good, so kind to me, Jen. But... sometimes, like today, it’s not enough. Sometimes, I miss you terribly... like my right arm here, maybe even more. Miss the way we were in my dream." Swallowing hard, Jared’s face now changes into a dreamily expression. "Holding you, being held by you... Slow lazy kisses... Your warmth... Falling asleep together, waking up curled up in your arms.” Another tear escapes Jared’s eye, and suddenly it seems like he realizes where he is and who he’s talking to, blushing deeply, probably looking more embarrassed than I’ve ever seen my friend before.

What Jared just said... sure, it’s unusual for a man, especially a masterpiece of a man like Jared, all tall and gorgeous but it’s not too awkward. I’m glad he confided in me and apart from that, it’s Jared and I; we’ve always been close, always could talk about everything. Mostly our chats were easy, funny, filled with laughter and silly jokes but more than once, we shared really heavy stuff, about wishes and dreams, thoughts and feelings, and we always listened, always cared.

Nowadays, I probably care even more than ever before and so, what I’m doing next is the only logical thing for me. “Well, if that’s all you’re missing, Jay… C’mere.”

Maybe I shouldn’t do it... It might lead to things that involve so much more than only hugging or holding Jared as a friend, to things our bodies want and need. But on the other hand, I’m not in my twenties anymore, not the guy any longer who screws anything with a heartbeat, least of all my best friend who’s in such a fucked up situation. Not to forget, that my beautiful wife with my gorgeous baby girl is waiting for me. No, I’m not like that anymore... Jared is safe... I’m safe and my marriage is safe. Without the slightest hint of guilt, because it’s what my best friend needs right now, I pull Jared in. There’s a kiss against his temple and warm arms cocooning him, pressing him so close against my chest. There’s soft touches, my fingertips brushing over his neck or arms, stroking Jared gently and I feel tremor after tremor vibrating through his body. Eventually, there’s his head in my lap, warmth seeping through my tee into my belly, and my fingers running absently through his soft, short hair.

Only once my friend is comfortably snuggled against me, his good hand connected with mine, do I switch the sound back on again and we watch the rest of the movie in silence. Being close, we probably both dream about what might have been, if Fate had been a little kinder. Finally the movie is over and I switch the TV off, just enjoying the peace and quiet with my friend, the way we’re intimately but still so naturally laying on the couch, holding hands, his head a wonderful warm weight against my thighs.

“So," I ask for Jared’s honest opinion about the film, "what do you think about it, Jay?”

Smiling, my best friend turns his head away from the black TV screen and up to where I look down at him. “Well, it wasn’t your best. But, I liked it. It was sweet with a happy ending and all that stuff. Jensen... you’re an amazing actor. No matter what films you do, you always give your best. I think I haven’t said it before, well, at least not in your reality but emm," Jared squeezes my hand, "I’m unbelievably proud of you, Jensen Ackles, Hollywood Superstar. You deserve every bit of your fame.”

Now it’s me who is blushing. Deeply. I might be one of the highest paid actors in Hollywood, with one Oscar Nomination in my pocket and a Golden Globe on my bookshelf but however, I’m always self-conscious about the quality of my work, very self-critical, sort of doubtful, especially when I’m showered with compliments and praise about my acting. Jared and I though used to support each other so much during _Supernatural_ , giving each other honest feedback, criticism as often as praise. His opinion means the world to me, making me happier than that moment when I walked up the stage and accepted the Golden Globe for my work.

“Thanks, Jay," gently, I return his squeeze, ruffling his short hair, loving how it feels under my fingers. "For being my greatest fan. Next to my momma."

Jared laughs but once it dies away we share that wonderful silence that doesn’t call for words. Burying his head in my stomach, Jared’s breath warm against the thin fabric of my tee, his nose against the hard muscles of my abs, this feels like the closest Jared and I have ever been yet; content and happy about how we feel for each other. Deep down I wish we could stay like this for the rest of our lives, just the two of us, listening to our breathing and the rain falling down.

“Let’s go to bed,” I suggest as I feel a very comfortable, warm tiredness slowly embracing me.

Yawning heartily, Jared mumbles something I can only guess is an agreement, nuzzling into my belly for a moment before he shifts to get up. The loss of Jared’s warmth and presence makes me strangely sad and while my friend is heading towards the door, I remember the things he misses, making up my mind. “Want me to stay with you tonight, Jay?”

There it is again, the already so familiar blush of his face, this time spiced with an unsure look at me. I can almost hear the little wheels in his mind turning, thinking about my offer, how awkward it might be. Eventually, he smiles toothily. “Yeah, would be nice.”

Ten minutes later, after my evening ablutions and changing in fresh boxers and a tee, I crawl into Jared’s big bed. Unsure of what is allowed or not, Jared seems unusually stiff and reserved, waiting for my moves. I smile at him encouragingly and wrap my arms around him, spooning him tightly, hand pressed against the warm firmness of his flat belly.

Now that it happens, it isn’t such a big deal. We both wear boxers and tees and what’s a bit of cuddling between the best friends in the world, even if they are in love? Besides, it’s not the first time we’ve fallen asleep together, though in the past it only happened when we were too wasted or too tired to move into our own bedrooms. It never occurred because we wanted it to and admittedly, it feels somehow different, more special and much more intimate.

Thankfully, I feel Jared relax in my arms pretty soon, snuggling even closer, cupping my hand with his good one, twining our fingers together eventually.

My heart is doing a double flip-flop, the gesture something pure and beautiful.

Sighing contently, Jared eventually mumbles a soft "Night, Jen."

While he slowly falls asleep, I attentively listen to his breathing slowing down, feeling his barely audible inhales and exhales in every soft fall and rise of his belly. The longer I listen to my best friend’s peaceful slumber, the more it tightens my chest, a thousand wonderful emotions flowing over. They’re confusing and difficult to express but if someone asked me I’d tell them that I’ve never felt closer to Jared than in this very moment, being safely snuggled against me, trusting me enough to surrender to the vulnerability of sleep in my arms. That’s reciprocated love.

**

Returning from Hawaii relaxed and happy, Jared finally is ready for another big step in his recovery, moving into his new apartment. It’s a nice place, sunny and bright with big windows in each room and a garden big enough for him to have room for dogs, if he wants. The move goes as smoothly as moves can go - and I stay with him for a couple of days, making sure Jared handles the household stuff well enough with just one arm and feels at home in his new place.

Eventually though, it’s time for me to go back to LA. I'd love to stay with Jared, but Danneel is getting impatient and as much as I love Jared, I miss Cassie like crazy and really yearn to see my baby girl again. This time, saying goodbye is easier. I’m still worried, probably always will be, but I believe in Jared, believe he can cope and other than last time, I know I’ll see my best friend soon enough. It’s not even March yet and my hiatus is long enough for many visits, long enough for Jared to finally visit me, meet Cassie and have the joint Birthday party I promised him. So, this time, there’s no tears, just a tight hug and a peck on his forehead, then I’m gone.

**

This time no one is there to pick me up from LAX so, feeling slightly disappointed because I was hoping for a welcoming committee consisting of Danneel and Cassie, I take a cab back home.

As I enter the hallway with an inquiring, “Hello?” on my lips, only silence welcomes me, the house as quiet as a grave. Already doubting that Danneel, Melissa and Cassie are at home, feeling even more disappointed than before, I pull my trolley over the hardwood floor, surprisingly spotting my wife through the ajar living-room door.

It worries me a little that Danneel ignored my call because by no means could she have missed me rumbling around, but she seemed fine when we chatted the last time so I just hope it doesn’t mean anything. "Hey darling." Independent of my feelings towards Jared, I love my wife and I try to wrap this love into my simple salute, warmth, affection and adoration dropping from those two words.

“Hi,” Danneel answers curtly, but her voice is uncommonly cool, strengthening the nauseating feeling of worry in my belly.

As I approach her, I notice that a heap of photos are scattered over the coffee table. One glance at them is enough to tell me where they were taken: at Jared’s welcome home party. This though doesn’t explain where Danneel got them from nor why she seems... well, less than pleased about seeing me again. Nevertheless, I’m sitting down by her side, want to pull my wife into a strong hug and taste her lips but before I can even lean over to wrap her into my arms, she shakes her head, underlining this with a parrying gesture of her hand. Okay, something is definitely going on here and whatever it is, it isn’t good. “Danni, what’s wrong?” I ask worriedly, furrowing my brow in confusion, shifting anxiously on the couch.

She pushes a photo into my palm, looking at me coldly, expectantly. “Tell me," she demands. It’s only two words but they ooze with venom.

Bewildered, I’m looking at the photo and the closer I look at it, the clearer it gets why Danneel isn’t happy with me. Again. It shows me and Jared at his welcome home party. My arm strongly wrapped around him, I hold my friend so close while he’s sleeping, his head resting on my shoulder. What probably upsets Danneel so much is not only the intimate gesture itself, but the look on my face, full of affection. Seeing me, looking at my friend like this, makes me strangely weak and giddy... I didn’t know that I sometimes look at Jared like that...

“Where did you get it?”

“Chris brought them yesterday. Didn’t want to open them but after Chris mentioned how great the party was, I was curious. Looked at them after I put Cassie to bed." Her neutral tone is shifting into an outraged one. "I really can’t believe what I see there.”

Having noticed my look of love myself, I nevertheless try to play it down. “Danni, you’re overreacting. It’s nothing more than two good friends.”

Laughing joylessly, Danneel shakes her pretty head. “No, it’s much more than that. I see it in your eyes, Jensen. They betray you, shining with nothing else but love. You know why I know?" Now Danneel even smiles slightly. "Because every time you look at our daughter you look at her like you’re looking at Jared in this photo.”

“Danni," I try to explain. "He’s my best friend. Course I love him.”

“No Jensen. Don’t lie to me," Danneel scolds. "He’s much more than your best friend. You were always extremely close. All the tears you shed after his accident, the way you didn’t want to let go? You were crying for the loss of a lover, not only for the loss of your best friend." Big eyes looking at me, she shakes her head slightly, if in lack of understanding or amazement, I can’t tell. "Just tell me, when did it start?”

“Danni… I…”

“No, Jen," she cuts me off before I can fudge an explanation. "Please just be honest with me.” Danneel doesn’t seem angry any longer but unusually calm and mindful like she’s already grappled with her fate and accepted it.

That’s the point of no return, I realize; when my family’s future might change forever. Nevertheless, I can’t lie to Danneel anymore. Already knowing my feelings for Jared, my wife at least deserves to know the whole truth. So I finally confess everything; my growing feelings for my best friend, the kiss, why I postponed our wedding, why I never gave up hope. That six years of hurt didn’t change it a bit, that I’m still in love with Jared, now maybe more than ever.

Only once I’m finished does she find her words again, admitting in a quiet, teary voice, “I always knew it would happen, Jensen. Deep down, I probably always knew you loved him. Since the first time I saw you two together. It was something I’ve never seen before, the way you were treating each other, so easy, with so much affection. Every touch, every look just spoke of love." She laughs dryly. "I bet I noticed it much earlier than you two ever did.” I nod in confirmation, the lump in my throat growing steadily. “But you were so kind and gorgeous, Jensen, the perfect man, making me so happy. So I pushed this thought aside, tried to convince myself that it was me, not Jared you were dating. Then you proposed and I couldn’t believe my luck. You were choosing me, not Jared and yeah, it was all I ever asked for. A tiny part of me though, was always jealous of Jared... of him spending so much time with you, of him being your soul mate and best buddy, when it should have been me." Exhaling deeply, playing with her lower lip and shifting uncomfortably on the couch, Danneel avoids eye contact once she continues. "Then the accident happened and I… God, Jensen, I’m so ashamed to admit it but I was kind of relieved that Jared was out of my way, that I was safe. That our future was safe. What kind of person does that?!" She whines in disgust. "He was nothing but good and friendly to me and I had these terrible thoughts.” She sniffs loudly, wiping away the few teardrops dripping from her eyes.

“Danni, our future is safe." I reassure my wife. "Nothing happened between Jared and I apart from a bit of cuddling and hand holding, I swear. I don’t want to insult you by lying to you so I will be honest here. It meant a lot because Jared, he will always be a part of my life and will always occupy a huge part of my heart but Jared knows that I can’t give him what he seeks. I’m with you, not him. Whatever Jared might have dreamed about, you’re my partner."

“What?” Danneel looks at me with incomprehension.

Only then do I notice, appalled, that I revealed Jared’s secret, something that Danneel never should have known. But now that it’s out it doesn’t matter much anyways and so I tell her about Jared’s life, his reality, while he was unconscious. Maybe it helps her to understand why Jared needs my friendship and physical contact now more than ever.

“Oh,” she stammers, dumbstruck, looking at me surprised and shocked. “Poor Jared.” She pauses a little, the face of someone who concentrates hard on making up their mind, before she continues. “It just reinforces my decision, Jensen." Taking a deep breath, she drops the bomb. "I want a divorce.” She sighs regretfully, nevertheless sounding determined, willing to go through with it. “And you and Jared… you can be together, like you were meant to from the beginning."

The air between us is heavy, prickling with tension and expectation and I’m absolutely speechless, gaping at her with a mouth half opened, opening and closing it more than once, like a fish out of water that’s gasping for air. Whatever I expected, it’s definitely not this and I really don’t know what to think about it, how to feel. Only slowly, Danneel’s words and the meaning of them slowly sink in... She wants a divorce... A part of me wants to fight, wants to save our marriage, most of all for the sake of our daughter, but another part, that Jared shaped part of my heart, is jubilant, thinking about what this might mean for me and my best friend. My head’s spinning and I feel a thousand emotions wash over me, from euphoric to sad, from ashamed to grateful. Nevertheless, I try to argue with my wife because it’s not that I fell out of love with her and that our togetherness is torture and that I can’t be with Danneel any longer. “But I… Danni," I stammer, immensely confused and troubled. "We can’t. Nothing has changed. I still love you. And ... Cassie? I just....” All color is drained from my face as I think about the possibility of losing my little baby girl.

Smiling sadly, my wife reaches out, touching my thigh with her small but strong hand, rubbing it with unexpected gentleness. "I know you do, Jensen. My own feelings haven’t changed a bit, either. You’re still the one. Five wonderful years, you’ve been such a good husband, Jensen. The best I could have ever wished for. But," now she shakes her head, speaking once more very determinedly. "Some things are just not meant to be. I just can’t hold you chained in our marriage when... well, you need to be with someone else. It’s always been you and Jared, not you and me, love. Jared... he lent you to me for a while, Jensen. Now though, it’s time to give you back to him. And don’t worry about Cassie," Danneel promises genuinely. "She’s a part of you, will always stay your baby girl. You’ll have a huge part in her life. She needs her daddy."

“But I can’t be with her every day.” I argue, knowing that I sound ungrateful, like a whining kid who has to decide between two presents to get for Christmas.

“No." Danneel laughs softly. "You can’t have everything, darling, and you know that. It’s time to make up your mind between Cassie and me - or Jared. Just be honest here, Jensen and answer that simple question: who do you love more?”

_Simple_ question?? It’s probably the most difficult question, the most heart-wrenching decision I’ve ever had to make. How can you decide between three people you love, all for different reasons? Suddenly, I see Chris’ face in front of me, hearing his voice, remembering his advice... him saying that this shouldn’t be about what is right, good for Danneel and Cassie or Jared but that it should be about me, what I need, what and who I want.

Deep down, this decision was probably made months ago, has only been suppressed until now, because it’s heart breaking and life changing, but I just can’t deny it any longer. Looking away because I just can’t bear to see Danneel’s calm, expectant, even curious mien any longer, I finally admit it’s Jared whom I love above all else. God, that’s sick... loving my best friend, a man, more than my own flesh and blood. Shocked and disgusted with myself I scrunch up my face in pure horror. I expect the ground to swallow me at once, sending me directly to hell where I belong, but instead, Danneel’s laughter rings in my ears.

It’s unbelievable but she indeed looks amused once she says, “Ah, that’s the answer I expected. But don’t worry, that’s fine. I know that you still love me, and our little Cassie even more so, and that’s enough and all I can wish for. Besides, the two of you," she sighs like it were the most romantic thing in the world that her husband is deeply in love with his very male best friend, "were made for each other. The perfect couple. And you two really deserve to have your love story and your happy ending.”

Oh my God... I really can’t believe the turn this conversation took and I’m downright overwhelmed with all the emotions that threaten to drown me. Shaking my head, I stutter, “I don’t know what to say, Danni.”

Smiling, she looks at me, touching my hand gently, looking sweet and kind. “Nothing. Just give me a hug and well... stay my friend and the best daddy for our girl.”

That’s what I do. Holding Danneel long and close, I let myself be cocooned by her familiar, female scent and her soothing, safe warmth, being sad and happy, but most of all, unbelievably grateful. For having her, for having Cassie and for having Jared, miles away in Texas, and for getting the best of both worlds.

**

We meet up with our lawyer and agents, deciding to separate in a quiet, peaceful way. For all our sake, we want to avoid too much publicity, so there’s a statement but nothing else, the real reason for Danneel and I going our separate ways something that stays between us, and our closest family. When it comes to dividing our property, Danneel is fair. She could have taken me to the cleaner’s but she doesn’t, getting the house, her share of our cars and a monthly, though very high, child support payment for Cassie. But that’s my decision and offer. I want the best for my little girl; want to make sure that she’s not only provided with clothes and toys but with education, simply with everything my daughter might want to do once she grows up. Even though I offer to, Danneel doesn’t even want me to move out. There’s no need to, she ensures, helping me to move most of my belongings into one of our spare bedrooms where I’ll always be welcomed to stay.

**

Just a few days after saying goodbye to Jared, I return to San Antonio. Wanting to surprise my best friend I don’t ring the bell but use the spare key Jared gave me, finding him sitting on the patio after I took a glance in every room. Reading a book, Jared is looking very intense, tip of his tongue almost touching his nose, not being aware that someone has been sneaking through his place and now is standing behind him, watching him for a while.

On tiptoe I eventually come closer, clearing my throat - only to be deafened by a shocked, very girly scream in return. The book almost falls out of Jared’s hand as he hurriedly turns around, looking at me with eyes wide open.

Laughing my ass off, Jared doesn’t think it’s funny, holding his heart in a gesture of pure shock. "What the fuck?!" he calls out though not really able to hide the smile that twitches around his lips. "You scared the shit out of me, Jensen!! What the fuck are you doing here?!"

Remembering what Jared once said back at the nursing home, I don’t answer his questions right away, but repeat his request from back then, as it’s the answer to all questions anyways. “Don’t I get a welcome hug?”

Shaking his head in disbelief, snorting a little in exaggerated outrage, he eventually stands up, smiling at me. "You evil son of a bitch." Somehow, it sounds fonder than the many _I love you’s_ I’ve heard.

Grinning mischievously back at my best friend, I open my arms invitingly and simultaneously we step this one remaining step closer, wrapping each other into a bone-crunching hug, holding each other for a long time, laughing and babbling already, though I don’t tell Jared yet why I’m back so unexpectedly, sneaking into his house and scaring him to death.

Instead, once I finally let go, I take his hand and tug him back into his place and over to the front door. "Let’s go for a walk." It’s more of an order than a suggestion and my friend looks at me curiously, wondering why the fuck I want to go for a walk with him while I could tell Jared everything here at his home. Sure I could, but truth is, after sitting on a plane for several hours, I just long to stretch and move my limbs a little more.

“So, what are you doing here, Jen?” Jared asks once we’re out of his house, strolling down the luckily empty street. Walking with matching strides, our shoulders brush once in a while and I strangely go all tingly.

“Aren’t you glad that I’m here?” I pout, looking at him as hurt as I can, teasing him a little, because judging from Jared’s broad smile, he’s more than glad.

“Sure I am.” Grabbing my hand, he squeezes it once, only to let it go when an elderly woman who walks her dog appears at the corner of the next street.

“Well, I brought you something you might want to have.” Secretively, I smile at Jared, my look certainly revealing that it’s something big

“What?” Jared asks curiously and when I don’t answer at once, he forces his most determined puppy eyes on me, bouncing up and down like a kid and not the 33 year old man he is. "Pleeeeaassee"

Laughing, I can’t resist his look any longer. “A script.”

Shock and surprise visible in Jared’s features, he stops, gaping at me as he grabs my upper arm tightly, squeezing so hard that I’m sure a bruise will bloom there very soon. “A script??! Script like in movie script?! Are you kidding me?” Now he’s actually trembling, like he can’t believe his luck, this turn of events and probably, Jared really can’t. He has resigned himself to the fact that his acting career is over and here I am, handing my best friend his second chance on a silver plate.

His obvious joy and surprise makes me grin even broader and even though I wanted to tease him much longer, make him guess and stuff, I decide not to keep Jared in suspense any longer. “Nope. Eric sent it. It’s a script for a _Supernatural_ movie." Jared’s eyes widen even more and I almost expect him to start drooling in the next moment, that’s how eager he is. "He always wanted to make one but… He said that it wouldn’t work without Sam and he never would have dared casting another actor to play Sam. The fans would have killed him. I’d have killed him.” I laugh but it’s the truth. I could never have played Dean Winchester without Sam or even worse, with a Sammy who wasn’t my Jared. “But now that you’re back he dug up his old notes, changed a few things and sent it over.”

“Wow… I don’t know what to say," Jared stutters, obviously totally overwhelmed. "How long have you known?”

“Just say yes, Jared. Do me the honor of acting with you once more.” It really would be a wish come true. I’ve worked alongside fantastic actors and actresses, great, talented, lovely guys, but simply no one was like Jared.

“Well, the honor would be on my side." Jared mumbles embarrassed. "Who’s one of the most popular actors nowadays?”

“Taylor Lautner?" I ask, laughing, only to receive a roll of eyes in return. "Let’s just say it would be an honor for the both of us, then." I manifest solemnly. “And about the other thing." My voice shifts into a nonchalant tone. "Eric called me last November, after the news was spread that you were awake and bouncing back.”

“He knows that I’m slightly,” without much humor in it, Jared laughs, looking at the thin lifeless arm securely stabilized by its brace, “handicapped?"

“Sure. He doesn’t mind, Jay. He admires you because of your skill. Wrote it into the script. A little “souvenir” from your encounter with the devil.”

Jared nods but doesn’t reply anything else, the bounciness from before gone, exchanged with a thoughtful face. His normally, so emotional features are quite neutral as we silently stroll on, and I can only guess what my friend is thinking about. After a couple of minutes, Jared asks, “What about you, Jen? You wanted to take a break.”

“Yeah. I wanted to, still will. Shooting won’t start before September. So that’s actually perfect.” Now it’s me who stops, my hand curling around Jared’s lower arm, holding him in position. “So Jared... are you in?”

He beams brighter than the sun. “Yeah. I’m in.”

Cheering and squeeing, I pull Jared in my arms, lifting his still too lightweight body up, holding him tight and smacking his cheek, not minding at all if anyone sees us.

“Let’s go and tell my parents,” Jared suggests once I finally let him down, both still grinning like we just won the lottery. “This screams for a celebration and we still have the bottle of champagne Chad brought for my welcome home party. Best reason to open it. And my parents would love to see you.”

Honestly, I’d have preferred to celebrate with Jared alone, but I understand that he wants to share the news with his folks at once and they don’t live far away from here, so there’s no reason not to pay them a visit. "Sure," I agree, just hoping that there’s enough time afterward, like forever, for what I wish that is to come.

Strolling back, steps now much more hurried than before, like he can’t wait to tell his parents, Jared is excited like a kid on their first day of kindergarten, babbling all the way, asking too many questions I can’t answer. Only having gotten the script myself recently, I haven’t finished reading it yet and I can’t tell Jared much about the production either, because Eric didn’t tell me.

His parents’ home already in sight, Jared finally stops talking, looks very happy and content now, like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. I smile fondly, wondering how my friend will react to the other news, the news I’m about to tell him now.

“Jay, apart from the script I brought something else.”

“What?” If possible, Jared looks even more curious than before.

“Well, it’s not quite a what." I specify my words, hoping that my nervousness isn’t too obvious. "It’s more a who.”

Now my friend looks puzzled. “Jen, what are you talking about?”

This is it, the moment of truth where I finally offer myself, all of myself: my heart, body and soul, to my best friend, hoping that Jared didn’t change his mind. “I brought me…" Voice raw and quiet, I swallow a few times, nervous and even a bit scared, that Jared would reject me, tell me that my chance is gone. "If you still want me.”

Once more within not even an hour, Jared stops abruptly, this time almost stumbling over his own feet, big eyes staring at me in disbelief. “What do you mean?” A hint of hope already vibrates in his question and I’m sure, deep deep down inside, Jared already knows what this is about, just isn’t ready to believe it, has to hear it from me.

Gently, I let my index finger run over his arm, face heating up. “I’m here, Jared. With you, for you. Always. Your best friend. But I’d like to be someone else... if you want me to... something more than your best friend. You know, boyfriend would be a much more fitting title for each other, don’t you think so?” Now it’s me who makes the puppy eyes, green meeting baffled hazel, most of all though meeting love and hope.

“But," Jared stutters, looking absolutely overwhelmed, like he can’t believe his luck. "What about Danni? And Cassie?”

Not answering right away, I grab Jared’s hand, pulling him with me, across the street and right into the Padalecki backyard, sitting down on the bench next to the pool. From the corner of my eye I can see Sherri looking out of the window, probably now watching us, just too prying to let go, but I don’t care. She knows about our feelings and will find out about us soon enough anyways.

“Danni found out." I start my story, telling Jared about the photo of the two of us that opened her eyes. “She really took my breath away, Jay... What she did for me, it was unbelievable, just generous and selfless. She was so composed, saying that she always knew we were in love and are just meant to be together." I scratch my nose in a slight fit of embarrassment. "Danneel insisted on the divorce. I didn’t want to at first, because, you know... there’s Cassie and Danneel herself and I still love her. But she simply asked me to be honest and tell her who I love more. And surprise, Jay, it’s you." Now I take his hand in mine again, holding it gently, playing with the long, thin fingers. "It really is. Danni and Cassie will always be important to me, especially my baby girl. But you are the love of my life. You’re the person I want to grow old and gray with. If you still want me.”

Not answering, Jared is looking at me, just love looking at me, his hazel eyes shining with so much joy. Squeezing my hand gently, he lets go, only to touch my cheek tenderly, to let it wander up to my earlobe, softly combing his deft fingers through my hair until Jared lightly cups the nape of my neck. Each gentle touch makes the butterflies in my belly dance more excitedly, warming me from deep within and making me all giddy.

Pulling me close, I can finally feel the taste of Jared’s lips, their softness, on mine. Tongue sliding gently over the rosy flesh of my lips, Jared takes in their taste, softly prods against them, eventually asking for entrance into my mouth. Never before have I allowed it more happily or more eagerly.

Then, finally, after over six years of hurt, our tongues meet again, welcoming each other, dancing, playing with each other and curiously exploring each other’s mouths. My fingers run greedily over his spine, the feeling of Jared’s warmth, his sweet sighs and the eager and steady movement of his hand on my neck makes me even more euphoric. The kiss is everything I ever wanted, it’s soft and tender, hot and sexy, it’s proof of our love and a promise for the future. A wonderful, happy, warm feeling encases me, giving the impulse for my blood to rush south, my cock throbbing expectantly, eager for what sooner or later will happen. Half hard like a teenage boy, I already dream of what that could be like, having Jared even closer to me, inside me, he all mine and I all his. Moaning pleasantly, humming happily into the kiss, I can’t wait for this part of our relationship: torturing ourselves with taking our time, slowly getting to know each other, every inch of skin, every mole and scar. It will be hell in heaven, and heaven on earth.

Stopping our kissing eventually, I bury my head in Jared’s shoulder, mumbling a soft “I love you” into his ear. It’s funny how that sometimes goes... with some of my girlfriends, it took me months, if ever, to tell them. With Jared, it takes me only a couple of minutes... But it isn’t too soon, it’s just right. Maybe because I have always loved him, sort of from the beginning, when we first shook hands and hugged.

Eventually, we get up from the hard bench, entering Jared’s childhood home. There’s no need to say anything. Like expected, Sherri watched us and now awaits us at the front door. Wordlessly, she first pulls Jared, then me, into a motherly hug, eventually giving us her blessings with words. She only wants her boy to be happy and Jared obviously is, grinning like a Cheshire cat, which is all Sherri cares about. Gerry congratulates us with a much more manly, but nonetheless fond one-armed- hug and then Jared starts babbling excitedly, telling his mom and dad about the script and suddenly, we’re sitting on the sofa, sipping the delicious champagne, celebrating this day, this new beginning for Jared, for me and for us.

**

Coming out to my mom is something I dread. It’s not a question that my mom will be shocked, the only question is how bad she will actually take it, a wide stretch of possibilities, from giving me the cold shoulder for a while to disowning and hating me. What will make it particularly worse is probably not only the fact that I’m in love with a man but that I’m ready to leave my wife and daughter for him. Unsure how to break the news gently, I first confide in my sister Mackenzie. Like expected she is great, backing me up, and even admitting that she always suspected Jared and I had it bad for each other. But she also thinks Mom will take it hard, being pretty conservative and a good Christian.

Nevertheless, no way I cannot tell her and two days after the call, I fly over to Dallas, visiting my mom, with Mackenzie in tow. Of course Jared offered to support me, venturing right inside the lion’s den with me. But as much as I wanted my boyfriend to be with me, coming out to my mom is something I need to do without Jared.

Sadly, I was right. Once I finish my confession, she looks at me in disbelief and shock, totally dumbstruck. The longer my mom stays like this, just having her eyes fixed on me like I’m some animal in the zoo, the more awkward the atmosphere between us gets, air crackling with tension, heavy and unpleasant, like before a thunderstorm. As the news slowly sink in, Mom’s look changes, from shocked to disappointed, disapproving, like I had just confessed that I sacrifice little kittens on a graveyard in the middle of the night or something. Gasping once, twice, a third time, almost sounding like her heart is breaking, she finally presses out a cold comment through her thin lips. “Thank God your dad doesn’t live to see this anymore." Tears in her eyes, she leaves, not even sparing a glance at me.

Not sure who needs her more right now, my sister first looks at me, than at the door where our mom just vanished.

“Go after her." Even though my mom’s reaction hurts it doesn’t come as a surprise and I’m quite sure, she needs advice more than I do right now.

Time passes by, me sitting nervously in my childhood home, wondering if I’ll ever be welcome there again, almost biting my lower lip bloody, tapping my foot nervously against the coffee table’s leg until my poor big toe hurts, almost as heavy as my heart. In what seems like hours, Mackenzie finally returns, eyes looking suspiciously red, like she had been crying, maybe begging Mom not to throw me out of her house or something. Voice sad and quiet, my sister tells me that Mom asked me to leave, needing time to cope with the news. Although it’s not a final banishment, sadness washes over me in strong waves as I leave my parents’ home, the knowledge that I’m not welcomed at the place where I grew up weighing heavily on my shoulders. I hurry back to San Antonio, immensely grateful that Jared is there, giving me comfort while I cry on his shoulder, afraid that I lost my beloved mom.

In the days that follow, my life seems a little darker and more difficult. I’m really suffering from the rift my confession tore between me and my mom and wondering if I’ll ever see her again. Luckily, Jared is there for me, solid as a rock, showering me with love and sympathy, consoling me with well-chosen words. In the end, I finally believe that eventually, my mom will realize that she loves me enough to accept my new way of life.

Thank God, eventually, is only three days later when my mom rings Jared’s doorbell. Sherri, who brought some of her delicious homemade muffins and is busy brewing coffee in the kitchen while I set the table outside, opens the door. Recognizing Mom’s voice from the hallway, I chance a look at my boyfriend, meeting eyes that look almost as anxious as mine.

Both women vanish somewhere we can’t follow their chatter and I spend long, cruel moments pacing up and down the patio, until Jared stops me gently, wrapping his good arm around me from behind, holding me close against his chest. His presence helps to calm me down and eventually, Sherri comes to fetch me, leading me into the living-room where my mom is sitting on the sofa.

Looking almost as horrible as I felt in the past few days, my mom pulls me into a very long, motherly, sweet hug, kissing my cheek. She almost pleads for me to forgive her, admitting that she was blind but that she finally realized that I’m happy the way things are, being with Jared, and that she just can’t stand to get in the way of our happiness.

Much later I learn that I owe it to Danneel’s support that my mom could vanquish her prejudices, that she was the one who talked to her and put in a good word for me.

**

We buy a spacious house in LA and the great thing is that it’s down the street from where Danneel lives, ensuring me of seeing Cassandra as often as I want to. Spending a small fortune and countless hours on buying furniture and other things is good fun; it gives us the feeling that we really are building our future together, setting up our home, making each room as comfortable and as cozy as possible.

**

The day we move in, with just some boxes of clothes, books and DVDs, a mattress to put on the floor and some electrical and HiFi equipment, is also the day Jared meets Danneel again.

After we place the mattress in the middle of our new bedroom, inaugurating it with a long session of making out, we take the shortest walk ever, standing in front of my old house not even five minutes later. I forewarned Danneel that we’d be coming so she isn’t caught by surprise but nevertheless seems a little self-conscious as she opens the door, looking at my boyfriend appraisingly, unsure how she should approach Jared. Having buried all of the bad feelings in the past, Jared luckily prevents the situation from getting awkward, pulling Danneel into a strong hug and kissing her cheek. I just hope, most of all for the sake of my daughter, that Danneel and Jared can be friends again.

Suddenly there she is, my little girl, wobbling towards me on her tiny legs, happily crowing “dada", making me so proud and happy. I lift her up, swinging her in my arms, her joyous squees and laughter one of the best sounds in the word.

Looking at me with a strange expression in his eyes, I wonder what Jared thinks about me being a dad. We barely talked about it; this very important, big part of my life, the little girl Jared has to share my heart with. Face unreadable, it’s one of the rare times I can’t tell what’s going on in my boyfriend’s mind. Maybe Jared wonders how much my life really changed now that Cassie is there. Perhaps Jared is a little jealous, knowing that he can’t have all of my heart and love.

“Jen… she’s gorgeous." Jared smiles at me broadly, stepping a little closer into my personal space, watching my little girl attentively, her dark blonde hair, her green eyes and the first few freckles that are already scattered over her faint skin.

“Thanks," Danneel and I reply simultaneously, glowing proudly at the genuine compliment.

“Cassie,” I whisper into her ear, my warm breath tickling her face, making her giggle. “This is Jared. He’s very special and very important to me, just like you are." From the corner of my eye, I see Jared blushing slightly and it makes me love him a little more. "You’ll see pretty much of him in the future. Say _hi_ to Jared.”

Being just too shy, Cassandra turns her head away from Jared’s smiling face, looking at me with her big green eyes that are so like my own, reaching out her tiny grabby hand and touching my cheek.

“Sorry,” Danneel stammers, though I just can’t repress a chuckle once I see Jared’s face, the broad grin now frozen on his face, eyes surprised and disappointed. Poor Jared, probably the first time ever that a girl turned him down. “She’s a coward, really shy with everyone apart from me, Jen and Melissa, the nanny. She’s even afraid of my parents.” Now I laugh out loud, receiving a punishing glance from my soon-to-be-ex-wife and a questioning look from my boyfriend because that’s something that doesn’t surprise me at all; Danneel’s parents can be frightening as hell.

“No, that’s fine." Jared shrugs it off. "No offense taken. You wouldn’t believe it but when I was her age, I was exactly like Cassie. Even was scared of Jeff." Winking at us, Jared grins. "She’ll grow up and get used to me. Well… I hope so.”

**

Jared is right. Cassandra gets used to him pretty quickly. Not even an hour after we arrived, she curiously crawls from my lap over to Jared who’s patiently looking at countless photos Danneel is showing him.

Tiny hands grabbing the paralyzed arm in its brace, Jared doesn’t notice a thing until I draw my boyfriend’s attention to my baby girl. “Jay… I think the little lady changed her mind and wants to meet you.”

Laughing, Jared turns his head away from the laptop, giving his whole attention to my little girl. “Hey Cassie,” he says with his softest voice, looking down at her and smiling gently. Sliding closer, I lift Cassie up – which is something Jared just can’t do with just one arm – and put her on Jared’s lap where she snuggles trustfully into my boyfriend’s firm chest. He puts his long arm around her, holding her tight, listening to the senseless baby babble that escapes her tiny mouth, kissing her forehead and in this moment I know that Cassie will have a wonderful second dad in Jared.

**

Filming the _Supernatural_ movie is great. It’s like traveling back in time, working with so many familiar faces and I enjoy every single minute of it. In spite of the tight schedule, the atmosphere on set is pleasant, without bigheaded co-stars and with enough time for socializing and pranks.

Jared flourishes in being Sam again; it’s exactly what he needs, a task, a challenge. Working hard, he tries his best to overcome the obstacles standing in his way because of the handicap and he manages superbly, becoming Sam Winchester once more.

Even though I’ve worked with some of the most famous and highly praised actors, these nine weeks with Jared are the best ever since we’ve finished _Supernatural_ and I’m more than grateful for getting the chance to finish the story and to put all the grief of the past behind.

**

On the last day of filming, I’m finally ready for the most important step of all in our relationship, letting Jared’s dream come true.

With a big square box in my hand and a cheery “hey” on my lips, I enter Jared’s trailer, finding him engrossed in a book. Looking up, he squeezes his brows together questioningly as he notices the box.

Grinning broadly, I sit down next to him, taking the book out of his hand, exchanging it with my own slightly trembling hand. "Remember when you told me about your dream?" Of course Jared nods. How could he possibly forget something as massive as his life’s dream? "The thing I never told you is ... I really compiled a photo album for you. I just couldn’t finish it…" I sigh as I remember all the pain of when Jared didn’t wake up from his deep unconsciousness. "Until now. Now it’s finished and now you should have it… You and I together in four and a half seasons of _Supernatural_ and this movie… I hope you like it,” I whisper into his ear, gently blowing my breath over his neck, kissing his cheek once I draw back. Eyes shining, face glowing and lips smiling lovingly is the most beautiful wordless answer I could have wished for.

I wrap my arms around Jared, hold him tight to my chest, my head resting on his shoulder, my cheek softly brushing his. Exactly like in Jared’s dream, though I only learn this later. Reverently, we’re looking at the countless photos, reading the silly comments I left, sharing all those memories, the laughter and tears, the wonderful experiences we had day in, day out.

Once more I wonder when love did find us. Was it the day we met? The first time we hugged? That evening Jared fell asleep on my couch, almost glued to me, head resting on my shoulder? Maybe it was just every little look and laugh, every tear and touch we shared? Or did it really only happen that fateful day in December 2009 that changed our lives in so many ways? I don’t know, will never know but it doesn’t matter anyways. The only thing that really matters is our present and our future, Jared and I, together and so much in love.

Then I know Jared reads the seven words I scrawled underneath the photo on the last page, the words that not only make his dream come true but mine as well, because I feel a shudder running down his spine and my boyfriend taking in a sharp, wondrous breath.

As I pull the beautiful white gold ring I bought for my boyfriend out of my pocket, I hear Jared whisper a very quiet but very loving, “yes” into my ear.

Reverently slipping the ring on Jared’s finger, twining our hands together in the end, I realize I’ve never been happier. It neither was the day we kissed, finally realized we were in love, nor the day I married Danneel. And although it came close, it was not even the day my little angel was born.

This is it, the perfect moment. And while we tenderly kiss, our tears, spilled in happiness, mingle, dropping onto our twined fingers and we’ve never felt as close and complete as we do right now.

## 2017

We’re getting married on a sunny day at the end of June and because Jared asked for it we actually find a ranch some miles outside Dallas for the celebration. Looking at the venue, Jared’s eyes shone with joy, the place almost being exactly like he dreamed it, even having a little guesthouse for the bride and groom on the outskirts of a forest.

The wedding is perfect. Every one of our close family and friends helped to prepare something and that’s the biggest gift we could have wished for. Cassandra and Valerie, Megan’s little daughter, are looking so gorgeous in their flowery dresses, throwing red and white rose petals everywhere as we walk down the aisle together, our trembling hands tightly entwined. We take our vows with firm, very determined voices, sealing our promise with a passionate but very tender, loving kiss.

Dancing and laughing, we celebrate for hours and at the end there are only our closest buddies left, sitting with us on the patio, drinking beer and making jokes. Once I and Jared finally get up to go to bed they’re all whistling and cheering, wishing us a fantastic wedding night.

Because Jared can’t lift me up with just one mobile arm it’s my honor to carry my overgrown husband over the threshold, placing him right on the huge bed. As I wanted to have everything perfect for Jared, just like in his dream, I asked Megan and Mackenzie to decorate the room romantically and they did a splendid job, covering furniture, bed and floor in what looks like a million rose petals, lighting countless candles, playing soft music in the background.

Expectantly, Jared is sitting on the bed, moistening his lips more than once as I tenderly undress him. Exposing his perfect upper body, I scatter little kisses all over his skin, even up and down his bad arm, although I know that Jared doesn’t feel my lips brushing it. But I want my husband to know that I’m in love with every bit of his body, even the part he can’t move or feel anymore. While I’m kissing Jared, he tenderly combs his hand through my hair, softly petting the nape of my neck, making me shudder with each simple touch. Noticing it, Jared laughs a sexy, little laugh that turns into a pleasant gasp as I hungrily pull down his dress pants and underwear, carelessly throwing the clothes into the corner of the room. Jared’s remarkable member, framed with dark, curly pubic hair, is right before my eyes, already curling towards me. Gently, I let my finger run down from north to south, from his bellybutton right towards the head of his cock, each moan and whimper passionate and pleading.

Even though I’m already half-hard I take my time, slowly shedding my clothes, each movement made to heighten my husband’s hunger. Watching me, Jared just devours me with his eyes and once I finally stand in front of him, my erect cock pointing upwards, he sighs my name lustfully. My hand is drawn to his like iron is drawn to a magnet and once they touch they connect in an instant, holding and squeezing as Jared pulls me towards him, tugging me onto the soft, comfortable bed.

Making out tenderly, we do all the things we know the other one loves. Like nibbling earlobes, sucking nipples, sprinkling countless little kisses over heated skin, grasping each other’s cocks, petting, licking, and kissing it or massaging the other’s balls.

Finally, after a long, greedy but nonetheless gentle foreplay, I become a part of my husband. First it’s just my fingers, circling the tight ring of muscle, carefully sliding in and out of that damp, tight hole, Jared’s muscles encasing me tightly. Each moan that escapes Jared’s throat is more demanding and pleading, turning me on even more. Eventually, I exchange my finger with my cock, the feeling of finally being inside Jared overwhelming, not only on a sexual level. Holding my husband tight against my chest I gently make love to Jared, relishing this moment: surrounded by candlelight and flower petals, both of our heated whimpers and groans sounding throughout the room, being a part of Jared, so close to him, knowing that a bright future is awaiting us.

Breathing hard once I come inside my better half, we both take our time to calm down, only kissing, touching and looking, quiet and beautiful moments of togetherness, of enjoying just being with the other. Eventually though, Jared’s kisses get more demanding and his touches more passionate and it doesn’t take long until I find myself pinned against the mattress, my husband’s golden form blanketing me, his greedy mouth moving south with every erotic gasp he takes.

Teasing, laughing and kissing, Jared almost takes me over the edge but in the end, he’s finally inside me, tenderly riding me, engrossed expression on his face. Gently, like I always do when Jared is making love to me, I hold on to his paralyzed hand, tightly, almost scared of crushing the bones, just to be connected with my husband in another way, a way that means the world to Jared.

Panting for air and face glowing, Jared slides out of me, leaving his warm load inside me, the feeling of it loved and wanted. Looking at each other with so much love in our eyes I just pull Jared so close, so tight, breathing in his scent of aftershave, the fruity shower gel he still uses, beer and wine, herbs and candy, sweat…just Jared.

Only once the sun is rising in the east and the first rays of sunshine filter through the closed curtains, bathing the room in a golden light, do we stumble into the bathroom, taking a shower together. Soft sponge over our heated bodies, we gently wash each other, lukewarm water cooling us down, hands massaging everything from head to toe. Eventually we leave the stall, stepping into a bathroom full of steam, reverently toweling each other off, sharing kisses, happy glances and joyful little laughs every now and then.

Much later, we’re back in bed, light cover over our naked bodies, cuddled close together, arms wrapped around each other, fingers twined. And while fatigue is slowly dragging us into the land of dreams, I hear my beloved husband whisper a very soft “I love you,” eight little letters that say it all.

## Epilogue

## 2021

Snuggled together, Jared and I are lying in our huge bed, holding hands. We’re tired after the long and exciting night but nevertheless very happy and very satisfied with our lives and what we’ve achieved. Smiling proudly and sort of disbelievingly, both our glances glide over to the chest of drawers again and again where two gold coated statues, commonly known as Oscars, found their place after we returned from the after show party a while ago.

“Congratulations, Mr. Academy Award winner for best original screenplay,” I whisper into Jared’s ear, kissing his earlobe and pecking his cheek. “I’ve never been prouder of you, Jay.”

Jared flashes a wide dimpled smile at me. “Thanks sweetie." Stretching his neck, he leans over to kiss the tip of my nose. "Congratulations yourself, Mr. best actor in a leading role.”

My heart beats faster once Jared mentions the award again and I wonder if it will ever sink in that I really won the most important film award of all. “Thanks love. But you know…" Gently, I poke my index finger into his firm chest. "I’d never have won this award if it hadn’t been for you," another gentle poke, "and your fantastic script.”

Looking at me with shining eyes, Jared slides closer, so close that the tip of his nose is touching my forehead. His mobile arm, now so strong that Jared can deftly handle almost anything he needs to do, possessively pulls me even tighter.

Unluckily Dr. Brown had been right. Although we tried everything, the arm never got better. Jared learned to live with his handicap though, fighting every day, for more independence, for a future and for his dream until he found something he is really good at and loves to do. Against all odds he managed to bring his stories on screen and I gave his male main characters a face, a soul and a heart. And today, without us really expecting it, we were rewarded, with standing ovations, recognition and most of all with dedicating those awards to each other and letting the whole world know how very much in love we are.

“Jen?”

“Mmm?”

“Thanks for supporting me, for believing in me and most of all… for loving me. You made all my wishes and dreams come true, Jen. I love you.” Jared sounds honest and full of love and joy. It’s the voice he only has for me and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Yeah. I know you do. You show me every day, sweetie. And you being happy is the biggest thanks I can ask for. And you know why? Because I love you too.”

I gently stroke my thumb over the back of his hand, petting his soft skin. Our lips touch and we share one of those very intimate, soft and tender kisses that makes my heart beat faster and my temperature rise up a bit.

And while Jared’s falling asleep with his head on my chest and his ear against my heart I realize that we are really living our life’s dream and that the future that awaits us together, all those years that hopefully are still given to us, can only be bright.

**The End**


End file.
